Childcare / Family Relations Dilemma

Elle00

Hi all, would like to hear opinions on this one please.

I've just accepted a good full-time job that starts 25 June. I am a single Mum and my salary will be £14,500pa so I will be eligble for tax credits and a bit of housing benefit etc including the childcare element of working tax credits.

My little boy is 20m old and I'm in a quandary over his childcare. I think he would be best suited to a childminder if I can find the right one as we have an affectionate relationship and he still needs lots of physical contact and attention throughout the course of the day.

BACKGROUND:

I asked my local Home Start to help orchestrate a meeting with my ex and his parents four weeks ago when I first decided to return to full time work (I know, I got the second job I went for LOL). In this meeting my ex agreed he would have our son overnight two days a week and the paternal grandparents offered to have my son for two days in the week during working hours in place of childcare too which I gratefully accepted. They are retired but very fit and healthy and take a lot of holidays and excursions but assured me they wanted to be there for their grandson and had no more holidays planned. They said while I was looking for work they'd be on hand to have him while I attended interviews and have him on Wednesdays for set hours to give me time to myself too.

Well, thinking I had these Wednesdays free I started a course of dental treatment including a nasty tooth extraction that resulted in infection. Then the grandparents announce they are off on holiday June 2 for a week at ten days notice. The agreement had been if they had any reason to let me down then their son, my son's Father, would step in but he will not take this Wednesday off work and so I now have to take my 20m old to the dentist for my 45 minute appointment this week. I would not have begun these invasive procedures unless I thought I had reliable assistance while doing so; I'd have left it until later in the year or planned ahead regarding alternative childcare.

Also this week just gone, my ex snuck a week off work without telling me. Apparantly raising his child by myself is not working and I should effing well try doing some for a change because I am useless etc. He reacted like this because the only reason I found out about the week's holiday is after I sent him an email on Sunday night - what were the chances I got a flaming holiday response?! Well at the aforementioned meeting we had agreed to share all holidays in future, the good bits and the bad, so why has my ex-husband not taken his son out all week? He says he is doing work in the garden but if I have to build furniture and cook the dinner and multi-task in general whilst caring for our son why can't he?

Our son has two parents and needs to be raised by both; I do not go in for this old fashioned nonsense of women's places being at home with the kids considering it is now socially acceptable to punch said women and abandon them to live off benefits. I need to work too and with that I should also be able to enjoy an element of a social life. With both of us working full time, I still offered to have our son five nights to his two and fail to see how I am unreasonable in this. If he is able to attend the dentist or go out with friends without our son being around then I too should get the opportunities to do so.

THE DILEMMA

Do I risk my wonderful job opportunity by still allowing the grandparents to have my son two days in the week and only book a childminder for three days? Or am I asking for it? I've had a chat with my Dad and he thinks I'd be a fool and that I'd risk having to take days off all the time (which would of course get me fired during probation). I am ten years younger than my ex so naturally my Dad is not yet retired and therefore unable to assist.

I don't think it will cost me considerably more to pay for an extra 2dys childcare considering the way the benefits are all worked out will it? So are we basically talking about paying out an extra £20 a week for peace of mind and reliable childcare?

I'm not going out to work just to earn extra money, it's mainly about having a bit of respect for a change and a career and future to look forwards to.

What would you do?

alwaysonthego_2

I would personally go with the CM and you are not going to be let down. At least you will have peace of mind and if your ex hubby has a strop and refuses to have your son you are not going to be left in the deep end.

Rachie_B

TBH i wouldnt rely on either your ex or his parents !

book your son into the CMs for all the days you are working.at least you know you wont be let down

Jo6673

If I were you- and i was in the same position once. I would avoid relying on others as much as possible.

I took on a full time position in my old job which involved me working Saturdays- 3 out of 4 and it was so stressful, my ex would let me down and I had to rely on my parents who were having him 1 in 4 and lived and hour away.
Then they moved 2 hours away and it became practically impossible- I'd find myself stressing every day about where he was going and when. Let alone pressure from the job and then the added issue of the breakfast club opening at bang on 8, bus due at 8.03 then traffic nightmare and being late in every day, then traffic nightmare on the way home, leaving at 5.15- racing to be home by six or they added charges and rarely making it!

It wasnt worth it and made me ill
I took a job 9-5 Monday to Friday in a totally different career- was a make up artist and manager, now an insurance underwriter but so much more relaxed

If i were you i would get full time child care if possible- either in a nursery or with a childminder, far more reliable, failing that could you find a position with less hours?

Elle00

Jo6673 wrote: »

If I were you- and i was in the same position once. I would avoid relying on others as much as possible.

I took on a full time position in my old job which involved me working Saturdays- 3 out of 4 and it was so stressful, my ex would let me down and I had to rely on my parents who were having him 1 in 4 and lived and hour away.
Then they moved 2 hours away and it became practically impossible- I'd find myself stressing every day about where he was going and when. Let alone pressure from the job and then the added issue of the breakfast club opening at bang on 8, bus due at 8.03 then traffic nightmare and being late in every day, then traffic nightmare on the way home, leaving at 5.15- racing to be home by six or they added charges and rarely making it!

It wasnt worth it and made me ill
I took a job 9-5 Monday to Friday in a totally different career- was a make up artist and manager, now an insurance underwriter but so much more relaxed

If i were you i would get full time child care if possible- either in a nursery or with a childminder, far more reliable, failing that could you find a position with less hours?

Great reply thanks Jo. Actually this job with more hours is better than the previous part-time work I did for the sorts of reasons you are saying. I worked two afternoons including a Saturday plus all day Friday and constantly felt stressed and up in arms. I never felt like I had a routine or anything and was constantly fretting about who was supposed to have my son when and what things I was supposed to get done on the other weekdays (like playgroups etc).

This new job is accounts admin for a great company that even said in the interview that they support families and offer flexi-time; they like to reward their employees good work and loyalty by showing them the same commitment. Set hours are Monday - Friday, 9am - 5:30pm and they said that most people take a half hour lunch instead of an hour and leave at 5pm. I would book the childminder until 6pm everyday so that I would be able to pick him early a lot of days and on time others.

They have a nursery onsite even because it's a big research place but the nursery is full at present. Could be worth thinking about in the future though.

There is one childminder I am waiting on a call back from later today to discuss things who I think would be very reliable having known her from a previous situation and knowing she has her own kids to get up and going for every day. And although I could not afford to take regular time off work, one or two days in six months of full-time work doesn't sound like it would be frowned upon by this company as long as employees are committed to their jobs and get their work done.

Elle00

Son just woke up from nap so have to see to him. Please do continue to reply folks and I'll check back when he's gone to bed.

Thanks in advance.

ailuro2

don't rely on family for childcare-it is fraught with problems- yes, by all means let them have access -perhaps go round for tea one night a week?, but ALWAYS ALWAYS organise childcare through a registered CM and you may qualify for tax credits to cover a fair bit of the cost. They might be willing to stand in when the CM is on holidays, or ill? Giving them EMERGENCY status would make them feel they were helping out, without having to do too much, if that makes sense.:D

Also ask your new employer if there is a childcare voucher scheme they operate- this can save on tax.

Janepig

Balls to your ex and his family - your son deserves a bit of stability so stick with the childminder and at least he'll know where he's going to be and what he's going to be doing. Plus he'll probably do much more interesting and varied things with a childminder whereas (sweeping judgement alert) I would imagine your ex and his family would probably just plonk him infront of CBeebees for the majority of the day. Keep them as a back up incase the childminder is ill and unavailable!!!

Jxx

bumpybecky

wot they all said! I'd not rely on your ex and relatives. If they've already gone back on the agreement before you've even started working, there really is no hope! :rolleyes: I think having them as emergency cover in case your childminder is ill is a good plan. It's very unlikely to be needed, but might help them feel they're being useful (wihout having much chance to disrupt things!)

Errata

Go with the CM, this isn't a good start with your OH and outlaws. That puts you in control and you can act responsibly for both yourself and your little one and ensure a stable life for both of you.

daisy_doughnut_2

i agree with all thats been said
the help you get now with child care is so much better it wasnt arround when mine was younger do it all your way an 2 fingers to them

good luck