Am I being Selfish?

where.do.i.stand

Hi All,

I was wondering if people would be so kind to give a look in from the outside and tell me if I am being selfish here.

I am currently a Carer for my mother. Me my partner and children moved back to the area my mother lives in about 3/4 years ago. She an nanny has formed a strong relationship with our 4 year old daughter. She has also helped us out financially over the last few years for a few thousand which has yet to be repaid.

My partner and I are both on benefits, and previously to moving where we are now (south of England) we were living in Scotland and we really miss it. My partner has been offered a job in Scotland, which with the benefit reforms would be great for us all.

However my mother is none too happy about it all and is not hiding it, she is using emotions to try and keep me here ie if I loved her I wouldn't do it. Its not fair to taker the gran children away from them after we let them get a relationship, also my step dads family side are close with her. My mother also recently lost her mum, and says it will destroy her if we leave etc etc.... Wrong to move our child school when she is about to start infant school and has all her friends there from nursery

Now I know its not ideal. But we just want to be happy, my mum has someone else who can be a carer for her, and we have offered to bring the kids to stay with them in school holidays and even try to drive down for a weekend every few weeks. All I get told is there are closer places, true, but it isn't like we want to move to one bad city to another.

Am I being selfish by considering this?

NervousHomeowner

I don't think that's selfish at all. In this economic climate, you have to take jobs when you get them and if your Husband has been offered a job which will make life better for your family, it would be ridiculous to turn it down.

I can understand that your mother is upset but you have been caring for her for 4 years and yes, maybe she has helped you out financially but the only way you can pay her back is for your husband to take this job.

Lagoon

I don't think you're being selfish at all. I can imagine your mother is worried about feeling lonely, but you have to make your own life and not live for her.

Likewise, she needs to find ways to make HER own life. I don't know how much care she needs, but if she's feeling lonely then I'm sure there are ways for her to meet new people - even if it's just online!

We only get one life. If you spend yours doing what makes other people happy, you'll never be happy yourself. It sounds like you have a great opportunity here, for you and your family, so I think it's time to take that and to promise your mother that you're not abandoning her forever.

Tiddlywinks

I can understand how your mum might be feeling.

She has just lost her mum and is now facing the prospect of losing you as well. Yes, it's only to Scotland but it might as well be a million miles away if she never gets to see you.

You also gave her a reason to believe she could rely on you when you moved closer to take care of her... You raised her expectations.

Is your mum in a position to move location as well?

If not, who is the alternative carer that you mentioned.

Yes, you have a right to live your own lives but I think you do owe it to your mum to look after her needs as well.

where.do.i.stand

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

I can understand how your mum might be feeling.

She has just lost her mum and is now facing the prospect of losing you as well. Yes, it's only to Scotland but it might as well be a million miles away if she never gets to see you.

You also gave her a reason to believe she could rely on you when you moved closer to take care of her... You raised her expectations.

Is your mum in a position to move location as well?

If not, who is the alternative carer that you mentioned.

Yes, you have a right to live your own lives but I think you do owe it to your mum to look after her needs as well.

The new Carer would be my step dads sister. No she is not in a position to move with us, but even if they were they wouldn't want to move that far.

flipper_72

Did you move close to your mum to be her carer? or did becoming her carer happen because you were available and happened to live close by? IMO these are very different scenarios and in the first instance I can understand your mum being upset, however if you didn't move close to be her carer then whilst it is obviously upsetting for her she shouldn't be guilt tripping you like this.

where.do.i.stand

No I never moved here to be her carer, it happened further on down the line.

flipper_72

In that case I would explain to her as you have been doing that for you as a family to progress with your life your husband needs to take this job and you will be moving back to Scotland. Children adapt and to be honest it is better to move now before your child starts school rather than once she is settled.

where.do.i.stand

I just feel awful, she gets really nasty as well, with your not going to fork out money paying to move when you still owe me money. and if you move that's it were done. It feels impossible for me. I get there is jobs closer, she found us one about 3 hours away but it would still be the same situation with the kids really, we really want to go, but I don't want to break my mum or be unfair to the kids, but if we stay here were going to be on Benefits.

She also says my partner should lower there expectations and take a job locally as cleaner or in Asda, so we can stay local. well okay there is a bit of a point there, but why should my partner do that when my partner has a trade and has been offered a job in that trade.

Brighton_belle

where.do.i.stand wrote: »

I just feel awful, she gets really nasty as well, with your not going to fork out money paying to move when you still owe me money. and if you move that's it were done. It feels impossible for me. I get there is jobs closer, she found us one about 3 hours away but it would still be the same situation with the kids really, we really want to go, but I don't want to break my mum or be unfair to the kids, but if we stay here were going to be on Benefits.

She also says my partner should lower there expectations and take a job locally as cleaner or in Asda, so we can stay local. well okay there is a bit of a point there, but why should my partner do that when my partner has a trade and has been offered a job in that trade.

This post says it all - this isn't love speaking sadly. I can understand you mother being upset, but to turn nasty???
And to suggest your husband should be content with a cleaning job in Asda to meet her emotional needs, well....she's should be careful about throwing the word 'selfish' about.

Your husband deserves this chance to get back into a decent job - when you marry/set up home with long term partner, it isn't just all about one side of the family any more, that is the reality to leaving and cleaving.
Also, clearly you hearts in Scotland, and now is an excellent time to move at your daughters age - they soon make new friends.

It will be hard for her losing such regular contact with her GD but perhaps you can look into such things as Skype.
When he's got his new job, prioritise paying her back.
But don't let her unpleasantness hold you back as a family. Anyone who threatened to cut all contact 'if you don't do as I say' in such circumstances, is someone who needs to be shown calmly and clearly you are not available for such blackmail.

spike241

The job market is so competitive now, even if you stayed there's no guarantee your partner would get a job at Asda and most cleaning jobs in my area need experience.

I think your mum is being selfish. She's using emotional blackmail to stop you from moving and that's out of order. You need to do what's best for your family (you, your partner and your children) and if that mean moving away then that's what you should do.