Someone in my team just got engaged!!! Man I'm jealous!

jackieblack

Torry_Quine wrote: »

We never discussed marriage at all before he proposed. Is that the norm now that you talk about it first?

I don't know about 'the norm', but if you're a couple (past the casual dating stage) isn't it normal to discuss what you both want from the relationship and where you see it going?
Otherwise one party could be wasting their time with someone who doesn't want the same things in their future that the other does (marriage, children, etc)

Torry_Quine

jackieblack wrote: »

I don't know about 'the norm', but if you're a couple (past the casual dating stage) isn't it normal to discuss what you both want from the relationship and where you see it going?
Otherwise one party could be wasting their time with someone who doesn't want the same things in their future that the other does (marriage, children, etc)

Not in my experience.

Depends of course what is meant by casual dating of course. My proposal was not predictable in any way by having had a previous conversation about marriage. He proposed when he felt that he wanted us to spend our lives together and I immediately accepted without any hesitation and to me that's the point that it stops being casual. If I hadn't wanted marriage then I would have said no to the proposal. Once engaged we did then discuss things about how we saw our marriage developing as regards things like where we would live etc.

It does seenm strange to me that you talk about getting married first.:o

Georgiegirl256

Tropez wrote: »

Nope, generally my first thought when I hear a colleague is getting engaged is a Victor Meldrew-style inner moan hoping I'm not invited to the wedding.

:rotfl: Me too! Our niece has just got engaged and is having a party, and we're trying to think of excuses to get out of it! The MIL says if she's got to go then so have we! We hardly ever see DH's brothers, theyre not close, and tbh I really don't like one of the brothers (the one who's daughter it is), girlfriend.

Lagoon

Torry_Quine wrote: »

It does seenm strange to me that you talk about getting married first.:o

It seems strange to me that you wouldn't!

We talked about our future long, long before we got engaged.

Georgiegirl256

jackieblack wrote: »

Does he know this? Have you discussed getting married at all?
TBH a mutual decision that you want to be married to each other is more important than getting a romantic proposal. Also if you're not 'on the same page' you need to know.

With regards to not asking him because you want him to be one who asks, someone I know played this game with her OH, they'd been together for years, lived together and knew how they both felt but she wanted him to ask and he wanted to do it when she wasn't expecting it. She was like a cat on hot bricks every birthday/Christmas/holiday thinking he was going to propose. Eventually he did, but her Dad passed away before the wedding. If they hadn't played games and just got on with it, she'd have had her Dad at her wedding.

That's so sad Jackie That was one of the reasons why I wanted to get married (obviously the hubby and I love each other and wanted to be married etc, but we don't like a fuss, and I think we built it up into something more scary than it actually was) I wanted my parents there, I would have been devastated if they hadn't have been. Me and the OH really aren't weddingy people at all, hence our low key wedding at Gretna Green, simple but perfect for us We'd been engaged and together for years, and perhaps we did dilly dally and could have done it years ago, especially since my family have been through so many serious health issues throughout the years, but we didn't, and it was something my Aunty said which was the trigger and we just went for it....I even enjoyed wearing my dress, and this comes from someone who always said "I don't do dresses!"

Georgiegirl256

sterl1ng wrote: »

sorry sorry I meant my BF, most times I call him hubby (perhaps wishful thinking!). HOnestly I'm not interested in a rock as quite frankly something so expensive on my finger would be dangerous, especially in London! Something simple really plus a very very low key wedding as I'm not into the big thing in all honesty!

See my above post We had a very low key wedding and it was perfect! If your OH is anything like mine, he's maybe just scared that the wedding would escalate into something huge, and that everyone would just try and give their input and interfere....but, if you want a very low key wedding, it can be done.

Torry_Quine

Lagoon wrote: »

It seems strange to me that you wouldn't!

We talked about our future long, long before we got engaged.

I think that for some (and I've no knowledge of your circumstances) getting engaged follows living together and that in itself would mean discussing how you see your life panning out. Do couples who live together discuss things such as the future before moving in together or afterwards as that is the difference here. When we got engaged that was not a precursor to living together but the time when plans were made.

I personally can't understand having a discussion such that someone knows when they propose that the other person will accept because they've already said so.

jackieblack

Lagoon wrote: »

It seems strange to me that you wouldn't!

We talked about our future long, long before we got engaged.

It seems strange to me too.

Torry_Quine wrote: »

I think that for some (and I've no knowledge of your circumstances) getting engaged follows living together and that in itself would mean discussing how you see your life panning out. Do couples who live together discuss things such as the future before moving in together or afterwards as that is the difference here. When we got engaged that was not a precursor to living together but the time when plans were made.

I personally can't understand having a discussion such that someone knows when they propose that the other person will accept because they've already said so.

Things moved pretty fast in our relationship. We knew more or less after our first few 'dates' that we wanted to be together. 4 weeks after our first date we went away for a weekend and talked about what we both wanted and our future. He moved in with me the day we got back. That went well and 4 months later we told our families we were going to get married (I guess that could be considered getting engaged) and got married 8 months after that. There was no formal proposal as such.

I don't understand why anyone would get engaged (a commitment to marry) without discussing things first. What would you have done if, for example, one of you really wanted children and the other didn't and you could not reconcile that? Or one of you wanted to emigrate and the other wouldn't be prepared to leave friends/family?

I do know that for some people getting engaged seems to be something they do to show they're together (what would have once been called 'going steady' ) with no plan to marry in any foreseeable timeframe, but, to me, that isn't really an engagement (as in 'engaged to be married').

Gloomendoom

I must admit that when I got married the first time, the idea of a big show-off wedding scared me to death so we took the small Scottish registry office option.

Very cheap too.

Lagoon

Torry_Quine wrote: »

I think that for some (and I've no knowledge of your circumstances) getting engaged follows living together and that in itself would mean discussing how you see your life panning out. Do couples who live together discuss things such as the future before moving in together or afterwards as that is the difference here. When we got engaged that was not a precursor to living together but the time when plans were made.

I personally can't understand having a discussion such that someone knows when they propose that the other person will accept because they've already said so.

I can't even answer that one, for you. We were living together BEFORE we became a couple. :eek::p

In our case, we thought it was important that we were on the same page with regards to our future plans. Everything from career and where we'd like to live to whether or not we wanted children. Maybe that's not normal!

So yes, OH knew I wanted to be with him before he proposed. He still said he was terrified I'd say no, but he'd arranged a surprise party so I think he was pretty confident!