Have I said too much?

ailuro2

You can choose your friends...while sometimes it takes a while for us to realise that some family members want someone to moan at, they may not be asking for our help with a problem.
I discovered that lesson the hard way, and had to distance myself from the family member, I used to get shot down for suggesting solutions to his problems, and accused of wearing rose tinted glasses when I suggested there may in fact, be a way out of seemingly awful predicaments:rolleyes:

I'm a great believer in 'if you're not part of the solution you're part of the problem' and I'm afraid your Mum is somewhat stuck with her own dilemma here, not much you can do to help her without your sister accusing you of interfering,which clouds the argument on your mum's side.

Best of Luck, it's a difficult one, this!

melancholly

I completely understand your position - my older sister lives at home still (not quite 30 so not as old as yours, but still old enough to know better!).... she pays....... wait for it......... £50 a month in housekeeping! now she only works part time, but she gets food cooked, laundry done, taxi service etc and i think it's really really awful. my parents can't retire yet, and mum had to get a temping job she hated last year for the money, but my sister didn't pay a thing.

my parents don't seem to think it's a problem..... but when i have to see the expensive new furniture she's bought (if only i could manage that but i have these little things called rent and bills) or listen to her bragging about how much money she has in savings (well go and rent/buy your own place:mad: ) any more, i will just explode!

some people just don't have the need to pay their own way - and it's horrible. and whatever you say, you'll end up in the wrong (at least that's my experience!). I'm standing back from it - I hate the fact that she is taking advantage of my parents, and as long as no more bragging about savings happens, i should be able to keep my mouth shut otherwise a major rift will occur!

sorry - that won't have helped you at all, but a good old rant does make me feel a bit better!

madmum33

When I first got together with my husband we couldn't afford our own home, so we lived with his elderly parents while we waited for a council house. We paid half of everything. Still my husbands brothers felt we were getting preferential treatment, that we were sponging off their parents

Your parents could be missing out on benefits worth more than your sister and brother in law contribute because the benefits people assume adults living in a house all pay their way!

Offer to sit down with your mum and work out exactly the outgoings for rent/mortgage, council tax, water rates, gas, electricity, insurance, TV licence - everything your sister uses, then show your sister the facts!

It might also be worth using some of the benefit calculators here to work out whether your mum would be entitled to help if it was just her and her partner.

Does your mum also feed them from the £138?

paddy's_mum

My advice to you now is keep right out of it! If your family members are capable of throwing things out of the spare room, rowing about it all, mother threatening daughter and son-in-law that they must leave, hurling insults at one another and smashing up a car, they are well able to resolve the problems between them too.

You will get no brownie points in this for trying to help. It could all so easily backfire and you end up labelled as the cause of all the trouble and lo and behold, you are the one left out in the cold.

They sound like a pack of schoolchildren all squabbling over whose turn it is to be first on the swing. There is no profit here for you and frankly, I would now just let them stew in a juice of their own making. Keep your nose clean and bow out gracefully.

Do you really need all the upset and bad feeling that is likely to come your way? ...... thought not, so now just reassure yourself that you have done all you can to achieve fairness and harmony and leave them to find the solution to their own difficulties. Good luck.

sahmx5

Paddys Mum - you are so right!

My suspicions about the clearing out of the spare room are right...

I received a phone call from my mum the night before last informing me that an aussie had arrived at 10am with my sister having given 12 hours notice that he was moving in. (Would you move a man unknown to your new husband into your home?) Apparently he speaks the husbands language.

Unsurprisingly the aussie now needs to find a job so my mum is now supporting 3 people on £138 per month and yes that includes food.

I'm really annoyed with my mum now. Following that phone call I telephoned my brother and advised him that the United Nations was in operation at mum's house. (My mum looks after my nephew after school a couple of days a week). Following his conversation with our mother he has reported back that mum thinks that I am overacting about "Andy" moving in to my mums house.

My daughter was supposed to be sleeping over at my mum's this weekend as she is babysitting locally. I pointed out that my teenage daughter asleep on the sofa with a strange man in the house is slightly worrying. Never mind the fact that 3 days ago she was sleeping the night in the spare room! c
Comfortable to know that a complete stranger has the bedroom over a grandchild.

I'm going to tell my mum not to tell me her problems if she doesn't want me to act on them.

I obviously did say to much in the first place. My mum's savings are being eaten away (they had ORGANIC fillet steak for dinner on Andy's first day in England). I still care but am going to let them get on with it.

I am so angry......

madmum33

Terrifying! I wouldn't be comfortable allowing my daughter to stay there either, well done for pointing out the reason to your mum! Lucky lodger eating organic fillet steak when he's not even paying his way (or maybe he is, to your new brother-in-law?)

You're probably wise not listening to my advice, I only saw my dad this year after a huge falling out with his wife 6 years ago (it got physical I'm ashamed to say )