Have I said too much?

benood

I agree with Paddy's mum - really this is your mum's problem with your sister and if I were you I'd be inclined to just offer support to my mum but otherwise keep out of it (not mentioning that it's unfair on you for instance - that's just putting more pressure on your poor mum!) - not worth a big feud - you could easily end up with your sister and your mum against you even though you were only trying to help!

RibAd

I agree with Paddy's Mum about the bit about money becoming tighter. It may help, but could hinder too.
Part of what OP's sister feels could be in relation to staking her claim for the family home - and may have the perception that as it's the family home, why should she pay more, families are families and all that.

I do think, though, it's ultimately up to OP's mother on what to do and has the final say, and she may be at a point where she doesnt want to cause a rift. However, OP's mother's partner should also voice concerns and both sit down and talk together and work it out - sister has probably put loads of money into husband's business and maybe has already considered upping the rent herself when all goes well, but perhaps thinks that if mother doesn't have a problem with the rent then why should sister?
The only role that OP can do is to offer support to mother and partner or help sister (upon request) finding alternative accomdation.

paddy's_mum

I have been mulling this one over. It occurs to me to wonder what OP meant when she said/implied that sister has been paying £138 per month while she has been abroad. Have I understood this correctly?

If sister has indeed been paying that sum per month to mother, over several years, does your sister feel that she has in effect "got a lot of money in the account" and is now calling on it? If the money was paid to your mother as some sort of holding fee for her place in your mother's home when it became needed, I would suggest that the situation is substantially altered and that perhaps your sister is not being quite so grasping or unreasonable as I originally perceived.

However, I would repeat my advice that, so far as you can, you try to stay out of it and let your mother and sister sort it out between them. Good luck with it and I hope it all works out to everyone's satisfaction.

plane_boy2000

As I understand it your sister has paid this amount weather she is there or not? If so how long has she been away for? Has it just been odd nights, or weeks / months?

It sounds to me like your sister maybe does not realise what it costs to run a house - like most of us when we get our first place all the bills come as a shock, gas / elec is more than you thought, insurance is something you forgot, and of course you can buy a weeks groceries for £10!

Maybe you could wright down for your sister what all the bills are so she can see how easy she has it, and then explain that Mum cant keep subsidising her lifestyle, so something has to change

Broken_hearted

Families are complicated the best thing to do is stay out of it. Listen to your mother but if she wants to change the situation then she will have to talk to your sister.

Queenie

Taking emotion out of the equation ...

£138 per month from an income of £700 per month is a meagre 19.71%!!!!

Now, in the *real* world, would your sister and her partner expect to have just over 80% of their monthly income as "pocket money"? No, of course not!!!

If they were dead lucky, they could rent somewhere for £138 per WEEK!

So what if your sister paid that amount while she was out of the Country? In the real world, if I left the Country for x amount of time but still wanted to secure a place to live while I was away, I would also have to pay basic rent/mortage whether I was in the Country or not! Simple fact! And has your sister conveniently forgotten that simply "money-makes-the-world-go-around" expense called ... inflation????

Now, your 2nd post is far more revealing. The bottom line appears to be not that your sister is taking the p!ss, but that there's an element of feeling that it's the partner (non English speaking) who is manipulating your sister both financially and emotionally which is having a knock on affect upon your Mum's financial (and emotional!) status.

Neither Mum nor her partner want to upset your sis? Why not? Do they fear her? Or, are they fearful *for* her?

I don't quite get the relevance of sister's husband not speaking English He may well not, but if he wants to run a business in *this* Country, sooner or later he'll need to learn the lingo By the same token, what language he speaks is irrelevant - living costs are living costs not matter *what* language you speak

Maybe an alternative would be for *you* to offer your mum and her partner lodgings at *your* place - for a basic rent, plus shared utility bills/food - and leave the sister to fund her own living expenses and she how long they can cope at only £138 per month?

How awful that your mum and her partner feel intimidated to the point where they won't raise the issue with your sister - that is incredibly sad!

No wonder your sister felt angry with you bringing up the subject! She *knows* she's on to a good deal and doesn't *want* anyone to rock the boat!!! Her husband may well claim to speak no English, but is he also claiming he has no concept of real life?? And this is the guy who wants to take on the responsibility of running a business?????

Sorry for my cynical post, but, in truth? *someone* is taking the wee-wee at your parents expense .. it isn't YOU!!

lil_me

Queenies right they're taking advantage and I wouldn't have been able to button it about it either, saying that you were probably much more tactful than I would have been, don't do subtle well.

sahmx5

Alot can change in 24 hours!

My mum rang me from her mobile today. She had a big row with my sister last night. She was feeling unwell and went to bed at 9.45. My sister had been turning out the spare room. She had put all my mother's belongings on her bed. My mum lost her temper, it appears she is preparing the room for another person to move in (again non-english speaking). The long and short of it is that she has told them to leave. I suspect she will relent, she is coming over to see me tomorrow so we will talk some more.

Sister's husband has been in the UK for 4 years. They were originally introduced because he wanted to learn English. He speaks v. basic pidgin english. My 14 month old has a better vocabulary and understanding than him. Having said that he understands more than he lets on. I have told my sister to sort his English out but she claims he has "learing difficulties".

Unfortunately my mum moving in with me is not an option. I don't live near her and she is a lollipop lady at a local school, she loves "her kids" and turns out every day to see them across the road.

With regards to the £138 paid whilst abroad - my sister was earning a huge salary £40K tax free, I've always had beef about the amount paid.

I am concerned the husband is a moneygrabbing so and so but she is obsessed with his success. He is not aquisitive and doesn't spend the money on himself it has all been ploughed into the business which incidentally will never get off the ground if he doesn't learn the lingo!

I'll continue to support my mum, keeping my lip buttoned about the unfairness of it all! I'll post an update after I've seen her tomorrow.

Queenie

sahmx5 wrote: »

...
I am concerned the husband is a moneygrabbing so and so ... .

Hearing you LOUD and clear, sister!!! :beer: Methinks your mum is hearing the same

Difficulty for "mum's" is ... they know they risk losing a child until the child realises the same truth; that only comes from experience - which your sister doesn't have yet

Sending posi vibes to you all - hoping your mum finds the courage to stick to her guns; that you find the strength to be a support without rocking the boat in a detrimental way .. but ultimately, that your sister see's beyond lust and longing and see's the wood for the tree's!

(sorry to any fella's out there - it's not about men vs women, more about men who manipulate women )

sahmx5

Things have been quiet for a few days.

My mum now reports that they are rowing (sister and bro-in-law). He has smashed up her car in temper and it will cost £300 to fix.

I'm more than a tad annoyed with my mum now. I've raised the subject that she is too scared to raise (the housekeeping money). She has now dropped the batton and has told me that my sister says that I've got my bossy personna hat on.... best to ignore me while I get it out of my system. Apparantly I'm jealous because I have to pay a mortgage and stand on my own two feet.......

I am seriously wishing I kept my mouth shut in the first place.... Next time my mum moans I will tell her to button it unless she backs me up when I speak up on her behalf.

Families who needs them!!!