Have I said too much?

sahmx5

My mother and her partner are pensioners. My mother has a modest rental income from a second house. Her partner just has the basic state pension.

My sister and her husband live with my mother. They pay rent of £138 per month (for the two of them). This is based on the amount my sister used to pay when she lived at home 8 years ago. They are not saving money for a place of their own but are trying to launch a business based on what he does.

My mum has been confiding in me how financially draining it is having them in the house. She of course will not ask for more money. I feel more than a tad jealous that my sister is getting a huge financial subsidy from my mum and have told my mother this.

I have tried to tactfully say to my sister that she and her husband should split the bills for the house 50/50. She has reacted very angrily to this and is now refusing to speak to me.

Am I in the wrong? I'm trying to help my mum who is terrified of upsetting my sister.

sarahmoon_2

I don't think your wrong. Why shouldn't they pay 50/50 on all the bills, I'm sure their getting the use of everything, I take it they are both working?

Bean_Counter

sahmx5 wrote: »

Am I in the wrong? I'm trying to help my mum who is terrified of upsetting my sister.

I don't think you are in the wrong. Families and money!

Your sister and husband are living for less than £16 each per week. That is not the real world.

If your mother is feeling the pinch, which I assume she is she might need to start cutting back on a few things, such as things that might demonstrably affect sister. Things such as cable TV, internet connection etc, things they might use more than her.

Alternatively, get her to make a list of just what it costs to run the house and have a discussion with sister. I think she is being selfish if she is presented with that type of info and does not dig deeper to help out.

Older people often need others to look out for them; you're doing the right thing.

Justie

£138 a month :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: and not paying bills that's just taking the p!ss

Your mum should charge them the going rate for a room and half the bills - she's doing no one any favours in the long run

Psykicpup

I have to say I agree with you that a 50/50 split between your sister & hubby and your mum & partner is actually the fairest way but it maybe that your sis just cant afford that much esp if there is a large mortage or rent on the property. That wouldnt be any less if your sister wasnt there, I assume, so maybe just splitting utilities & food bills would be more accecptable. I think it needs to be mentioned to your sister that mum is subsidising her as she isnt paying her own way.......
What does your mum's partner feel about the situaltion.

daisy_doughnut_2

hi there

i dont think you were wrong
i kinda had a similar problem my sis still lives with mum and was paying 25 pounds per week
she seemed to think this was ok as he job ment that she very rarely ate at the house used electic ect
her wage tho was almost double my mums an she was having to pay all the bills still with just the 25 per week help from my sis

i like you sat my sis down an explained mum was worried ect an made her realise just what the costs are to run a house she was quiet shocked at how much mum paid out an upped her rent off her own back

your sis tho seems to have taken what you have said in the wrong way so maybe she knows what a good deal she is getting still living at home an paying very little an is worried by you saying something will rock the boat an your mum will ask for more

try wrighting her a letter saying you didnt mean to offend her but your worried about your parents finacially as xyz is the cost of running the home which they cant afford but if they wernt there it would only cost abc
hope you understood what i said

try an spell out the cost if they had a place of there own like i did and how even 50% isnt as much as they think

good luck

sahmx5

No mortgage and she does pay for the internet connection but that is it. Her husband is foreign and doesn't speak english. My sister is fluent so is helping him set up his business as he is unable to do it himself. She has spent an absolute fortune on him and cannot see that he is taking her for a ride. He makes about £700 per month and she can't claim any benefits because she has not paid enough NIC being abroad all the time.

She has spent alot of time abroad and has always paid the £138. She thinks that it's payback time for all the time she was overseas. Until recently she had a very well paid job but she has jacked it in to support her husband. Very easy to do when your mother is supporting you!

Until recently my mum's partner was working but he has retired and their income has dropped considerably. He is also terrified of upsetting my sister so keeps out of it. The house is owned by my mum.

conradmum

Sounds like your sis is a bit of dragon if everyone's terrified of upsetting her. She needs someone to stand up to her. What's she going to do - leave home?:rotfl:

paddy's_mum

It can be very difficult for other family members to interfere in a rather fraught situation like this one. Family rifts can occur over what a sister perceives as OP's interference.

Might a way out be for your mother to let your sister know that money is becoming extremely tight and that she proposes to sell the 'family' home and downsize "you'll have to find somewhere of your own, dear"?

Your sister sounds extremely inconsiderate and selfish and I'm afraid I wouldn't accept any explanation along the lines of not knowing how much it costs to run a home. Do you know why your mother so afraid of upsetting her? Might it be because sister is the secret favourite - does your mother feel that life has been unkind to your sister - is she afraid of 'losing' your sister to foreign parts again if mother doesn't offer a carrot to keep her here?

Your mother and her partner need to think this all through very carefully because if all spare money has gone to your sister, and disaster threatens, your mother could easily find herself in somewhat dire straits. Is your sister hoping that she may be offered the tenancy of the rental house?

If, in the end, your mother prefers not to risk rocking the boat, there is a case to be put that you might be better off keeping out of it rather than risk a family feud that may take years to heal and cause a lot of unhappiness. Good luck.

pinkshoes

Could you not tell your mum to explain to your sister that they struggling with money, so would they mind paying half for all bills as well?

If your sister kicks up a fuss, then i'm afraid your mum will have to stand up for herself and say that if they can't help with the bills, then she can't afford to have them as lodgers any more.

Some people are too generous for their own good, but if your sister is a good person, she'll contribute. If she doesn't, then maybe you should step in and help your mum stand up to her, because it's no way for your mum and parter to enjoy their retirement!!!

ps - i hope your sister's partner is learning english!

liney

As your mom has already told you the problem, perhaps you could offer to be around when she speaks to your sister as moral support.

I dont blame your step dad for wanting to steer clear of the confrontation with his step daughter, but it isn't fair for him to be subsidising them either, so he should be around too.

Your sister is indeed extracting the urine. She knows this as she has reacted so angrily.

As your BiL is from another country, has he actually any idea how little they are contributing financially, in comparison to the cost of things? I suppose this would be difficult to explain or drop subtle hints about though as he doesn't speak English .. hmm.