Have i made a mistake by not thinking?

heretolearn_2

It's his decision about his commute, not yours, so I can see why he is miffed that you didn't ask him. 4 years is quite a long time to be in a relationship without moving it along a bit.

On the other hand, why can't you live together even if you have a lodger? I take it lodger sleeps in a different bedroom to you...lots of couples/families take in lodgers to help with the bills. If it's a one bed place though and your lodgers share with you, then yes, I think you've done something pretty hurtful.

You've got two choices
tell friend you made a mistake and boyfriend will be moving in instead
placate boyfriend as best you can, apologise for assuming he wouldn't want to move there because of commute (do NOT say that you just didn't think about him), and discuss and agree a timescale for his moving in, assuming you want him to at some point. Maybe that he'll come when his contract finishes next Spring? And make it clear to lodger that she'll be moving out then.

But if you've been together four years, you've discussed living together, and he genuinely didn't even cross your mind when the space became free, maybe you need to think about how serious/committed you are. No crime if you find that you aren't, but you need to be fair to him and not pretend you are more serious than you feel.

kiddy_guy

Why can't you find a flat/house half way between your job and your BF job, thus making the commute 30mins for both of you?

marisco_2

You have been with your boyfriend for 4 years and have previously discussed with him about living together at some future point. I think it is understandable that he has been left feeling a bit miffed, because he wasn't the first person you thought of to ask to move in with you, when that opportunity arose today.

To be honest with you in his position I would be wondering why my partner hadn't let me decide if I was prepared to make a difficult commute each day, in order to start living with them and to be moving the relationship forward. It would make me question how committed they were to being with me and how they felt about us in general.

I think you should call your friend and explain the predicament you find yourself in. Hold off on her making any plans to move in with you, until you have talked this through properly with your boyfriend. Find out exactly what he thinks about the situation and go from there. To do that would be considerate and to show respect for his feelings.

tattycath

marisco wrote: »

You have been with your boyfriend for 4 years and have previously discussed with him about living together at some future point. I think it is understandable that he has been left feeling a bit miffed, because he wasn't the first person you thought of to ask to move in with you, when that opportunity arose today.

To be honest with you in his position I would be wondering why my partner hadn't let me decide if I was prepared to make a difficult commute each day, in order to start living with them and to be moving the relationship forward. It would make me question how committed they were to being with me and how they felt about us in general.

I think you should call your friend and explain the predicament you find yourself in. Hold off on her making any plans to move in with you, until you have talked this through properly with your boyfriend. Find out exactly what he thinks about the situation and go from there. To do that would be considerate and to show respect for his feelings.

Totally agree with this.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I certainly wouldn't invite a boyfriend to move into my spare room just because it was there and available.

For love, yes. But not for any other reason.

Person_one

hayley11 wrote: »

Personally I think the fact that it didn't occur to you to ask him perhaps means that you don't actually want to live with him yet. So if that's the case then fair enough, you've done nothing wrong.

Have to agree with this.

Its your home, your decision, and your first instinct wasn't to have him move in. Time for a think, I think!

zzzLazyDaisy

I have to say, I am a bit confused about how these two events hang together.

You and your bf have discussed living together, and the plan is eventually for him to get a job in Manchester. But last month he signed a one year contract for a job where he currently lives an hour north of you. Until now he has not suggested moving in with you and travelling to work from Manchester, and your understanding has been that this will not now happen until the one year contract has expired?

Is this a fair summary of the events to date?

If so, then I don't see why the change of lodger changes the situation with your bf.

When you and your bf are ready to live together (whether this involves him changing jobs or travelling) you can either ask the lodger to leave or the lodger can continue to rent the spare room.

But the decision to live together should come first - and it seems that, from your point of view at any rate, you and your bf haven't had that discussion?

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Southernman wrote: »

My flatmate (lodger) told me earlier he was moving out (after living with me for over 2 years). My friend has been telling me to kick him out for over a year now so she could move in. Previously she lived in a one bedroom flat alone and the bills were extortionate and she struggled to live so moved back to her mum's so travels from Midlands to Manchester each morning.

I asked her to move in two mins after i found out current flatmate was looking to leave...

BUT

i have a long term boyfriend of nearly 4 years. Thing is he lives an hour north of me (by train or car) and the commute would be horrendous each morning in rush hour.

Should i have considered him and asked first because we do plan on eventually living together but he was going to look at a job in Manchester eventually but signed a contract to stay with the company for 12 months after his course (costing £4k) was completed. This was in May.

I do feel a bit bad that i didn't even think about him.

Maybe i'm being silly but he did seem a bit miffed. My friend on the otherhand i lived with for 3 years at uni

How would you feel?

A - I have no idea as I'm not you.
B - why would you move your boyfriend into a spare room anyway?
C - did he discuss the implications of his 1 year contract? He signed it so presumably he wants to stay there another year at least.
D - has he ever said 'if lodger moves out, I'd happily move in and commute'?

thorsoak

In my opinion, no, you did not make a mistake.

Had you been really ready for your boyfriend to move in with you, it would have been uppermost in your mind. The fact that it wasn't says to me that your relationship has not yet reached that stage.

Southernman

So to summarise...

I am 24 and female. Boyfriend has a job an hour away where he is gaining a huge amount of experience in his sector. His current employer has taken a shine to him and is enabling him to develop and progress whereas another company may not be as willing to endorse so much time and energy. Once he's gained the skills he needs he plans to eventually move to manchester where the wage is much higher than the small city he is in now and of course closer to me.

Until then we never discussed moving in being a possibility. When he moves in he wouldn't be in the spare room he'd be with me but i don't know if i could have a lodger at the same time as i'm not sure if it would be fair as it's a two bedroom flat.

I've bought my flat and it's in a good location and i don't want to move half way to Chorley when i'll be far away from my parents (who are extremely close to me) and my boyfriend may not be at his current job long term.

In the meantime i do need to live with someone. One so i'm not lonely and two to help pay my bills!

My friend who i have offered the room to didn't want to flat share with a stranger and didn't enjoy living alone plus the expenses. Her mum (who is a huge part of her life since her dad died) would have worried too, but knows she's safe with me.