I wish we had done this..

nuatha

ska_lover wrote: »

There really IS so much more pressure on brides than grooms (in the run up to the big day) - and all of this other unncessary stuff just adding stress

I'm a groom, so I may see things a bit differently, I'm also the one doing most of the organising and all of the catering.
It seems weddings bring out some seriously thoughtless behaviours in others. I've had people complain that I'm catering for various food allergies and dietary preferences (who still expect theirs to be catered for)

I was told by a a family member yesturday that they had invited a further four people - which are friends of theirs- as the family member are worried that they wont know many people at my wedding!! What the heck! When did it become acceptable for guests to invite their own guests then advise you after the fact. My response was, 'wel you better UNinvite them, hadn't you?'.

I uninvited the person who told me she'd invited several colleagues to the wedding - none of whom we know.
Herself's sister who was to be MOH threw a strop because the new boyfriend wasn't on the invite - He didn't exist when I printed the invites and they'd been together a week when she received the invite. Didn't bother asking if he could come just informed everybody that obviously her and her kids weren't welcome, we found out on the grapevine.
Thankfully I only have to bite my tongue for another week, homicidal is a fairly good description.

ska_lover wrote: »

Nevertheless, we are going to stay true to ourselves...and do what we want, for our day, rather than other peoples petty jealousys and trying to overbearingly re-live their own weddings, or whatever reason people have for making sniping comments etc. It totally ruins what should be a happy period in your life, and drives a wedge in there - like I said, if I had known people were going to be like this, we would have handled things very differently indeed and not even told any family or friends until it was all organised. It wouldn't be so pointless if any of them were actually helping with the organising, but all they are doing is sitting back and watching, whilst making judgements over everything from table decorations, to shoes. We really don't give a fig about that stuff, we just want to get married.

Thankfully our friends have been amazingly supportive, most of the negative stuff has come from my future sister in law and those few acquaintances that have given some grief have been told where to get off.

ska_lover

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Timpu

ska_lover wrote: »

H2B has been brill to be honest, hes got quite a list of bits he needs to sort out on his days off

It's such a crying shame, I am absolutely astounded by peoples behaviours to be honest.It's had me in tears a few times.

We have changed a couple of things we had planned to do, such as the family meal the night before the wedding, because if any sarky comments are made the night before, I am likely to murder someone..

What a shame! Sorry to hear you've had to change plans, that must hurt.

Friends have said to me getting married like opening a box you've stored away in the attic and seeing all your friends and family for who they really are. Some people will surprise you by their love and support, while others will leave you questioning why you bothered at all. It's a chance to have a really good clear out I was told.

Family is a tricky one. I'm seeing mine in a new light as they want things their way (though we're paying entirely for a wedding we can afford). We were very honest and shared with both families right at the beginning what is important to us. I've been stunned at how manipulative my family can be - saying 'Oh yes, that's nice/that's fine' only to then try and bully me into going against what is important to my OH and I. (They do this when OH isn't around or on the phone when they know he is not there, which is incredibly calculating and nasty I think. Also dumb, as if I'm to going to mention what they say to the man I'm excited to share the rest of my life with!)

They've actually been very disrespectful of what our wishes are, trying to get us to have a ceremony we don't want, an additional party we don't want (because it suggests our wedding party isn't good enough for everyone), *sigh* the list goes on. I too have also been reduced to tears by their attitude.

I cannot change the nature of my family but it's given me a lot of freedom to say 'stuff you, I may be your daughter but I'm better than you'. We're determined to have a wedding with our guests needs and comforts in mind, as well our own, not just do things because someone says 'it's traditional' or because 'it's the done thing'. It's definitely affected how I deal with them.

...and the hundred and one little snide comments/the endless lectures, I ignore those.

As for guests inviting guests??!! What on earth? Absolutely no way! It's one day, go and make some friends.

Turtle

Husband and I married in Las Vegas recently with just our parents. You've no idea how many people since have told us they wished they'd done the same and not had to cope with all the grief they'd had over various things.

The only stress we had was over the dress (multitude of issues with the shop but thankfully turned out ok in the end) and the MIL who is manipulative and demanding and has in fact walked out of our house in tears this afternoon because I told her she was being unfair about something (which she absolutely was). Good. I hope it means we don't have to see her for the next few days.

I'm sorry you're all having trouble. Please yourselves as you will regret it after if you don't.

ska_lover

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nuatha

ska_lover wrote: »

I am very tempted to do this, but unfortunately the person who has been inviting extra people is my bridesmaid :eek: - unfortunatley there was no tell tale signs beforehand that she was going to behaving unreasonably.

Who, assuming she's doing her job in looking after you, is unlikely to have much time during the day to socialise with her mates.

It does seem to be a reccuring theme, that people think it's cool to invite who they like to a wedding they are attending.

With all of this, it really does seem like you cannot win.

We've had a couple of polite requests for plus ones, they've been granted. If someone decides to turn up with additional guests they'll be turned away.
If we loose a few "friends" then they never really knew or understood us.

I wonder how all this will effect your future relationship with your SIL. My OH has been horrified by what some of the females in my family have been saying and has definately lost a lot of repect for them.

Given that future SIL hasn't spoken to Herself in three months (since she ranted at their mother over new bf not being on the invite), there's not likely to be much of a relationship, her loss. She has relented insomuch that her kids will be at the wedding (so far at least). If she'd bothered speaking to us, new bf would have been invited, instead she staged several scenes when we weren't around, ensuring there was no way we would be changing invites.

ska lover I hope things start to run smoothly for you and that you can enjoy the next couple of months.

ska_lover

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Timpu

ska_lover wrote: »

Thank you for this post, it really helps.

I am getting the same exact thing, in the fact that my female relatives are behaving in this bullying fashion when my OH isn't around, ganging up on me. When he is around, they act all sweetness and supportive, when we all know that they are not. I find they try and undermine my relationship, as if I am going to change our plans to my families, behind my OH back...but an awful lot of it is aimed directly at me, sniping about my dress etc. It's too petty for words - and I need to take a leaf out of your book and ignore.
We too, aren't doing things just because they are traditional. I have never liked that idea in anyway, just doing traditional, its so unimaginative, like having turkey at xmas if you don't like it lol. Each couple is individual and shouldn't feel that they need to ask permission, from those who are supposed to care for us.

I keep reminding myself it's my marriage, not theirs so I have to what's best for us and ignore them. It's hard but I think really important to create the new boundaries otherwise when will it stop?

There's nothing wrong with tradition imho but I agree with you, each couple is individual. It's for them to decide.

Georgiegirl256

OMG ska lover, I was just going to write a thread about this subject and then I came across yours! I couldn't agree more with what you're saying! Me and the OH we're just talking this afternoon after my Mam had said something and then his Mam had phoned up to say something else, and it's like 'what a total ball ache this wedding organising is!'

We are having a small do, just us 2, my parents and his Mam at Gretna Green, simple, laid back and just how we want it. But other people don't seem to think it really is what we want, and that's spoiling things for us having to try and justify ourselves and say "but yes, this IS what we want". My Mam said today, that after the wedding, do we want to go out for a meal for the people we didn't invite, like the OH's brothers (and partners), his nieces, my aunties and uncles and cousin etc, and we were like "no, it's fine, we're not bothered" Tbh, we never see his brothers from one year to the next, and his nieces either,and even though they only live about 5 mins away from the OH's Mam (their Gran), they hardly ever pop in, and I know that upsets her, so I don't really know why she's bothered about them all being there at the wedding? I think it's more a case of the parents bothering about what other people think rather than us who are like 'it's our wedding, and this is the way we want to do it, if anyone doesn't like it then tough!'

My Mam said today, "when you're old and grey, you'll look back and regret that you didn't do it different, bigger etc". I was like I thought you were fine about it and understood but then in the next breath you're saying we'll regret it.

Another thing is that in the last few years the OH has put on quite abit of weight, and when we went suit shopping, he couldn't get one to fit properly, and just didn't feel comfortable, so he said would I mind if he just wore smart pants, smart shirt and a nice tie....I said I wouldn't mind at all....but, of course, his Mam did mind, and even phoned up again today off her holiday to say why doesn't he wear a waistcoat, he told her in no uncertain terms that he didn't want to :rotfl: Now he's doubting himself, this is what happens ehen other people interfere :mad:

I'm glad it's only taking a month to organise, any longer and I think I'd have a breakdown or something! It's already nearly turned me back to smoking today, I'm not joking either, 3 years and a 100 and something days since i quit, and I nearly bought a packet of fags today!

Sorry for the rant, but I just thought I'd share, and say that I totally sympathise!

floss2

ska_lover wrote: »

I am very tempted to do this, but unfortunately the person who has been inviting extra people is my bridesmaid :eek: - unfortunatley there was no tell tale signs beforehand that she was going to behaving unreasonably.....

If I were you, I would be sitting her down and asking for her to pay you up front for the extra 4 people that you will have to feed/entertain, or alternatively tell her to "ring them now to tell them that there is no capacity to increase the numbers so they cannot come" - bridesmaid or not.

That is taking liberties above & beyond her role.