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Advice please.....
Comments
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It's understandable he might be nervous about the relationship especially if this is his first serious relationship after separating from his wife (I haven't read the previous threads by the OP so not sure if this is the case). But if he's waiting for that sudden moment when he knows the relationship will be permanent then he'll be waiting forever. If it was me there would come a time when I'd have to say I'm either a part of your life or I'm not, and he'd have to decide. Family is too important to me to be sidelined from it. What happens at, for example, Christmas? Kids' birthdays? I realise the children are a little older so are doing their own things, but they still want to spend time with their Dad, don't they? I'd be concerned he's either not telling me everything or he's not as committed to the relationship as I am. Or, actually, that his views on family are so different to mine that it would be an ever-increasing tension between us and ultimately be insurmountable.0
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Tenyearstogo wrote: »If I was a teenager and knew my dad had been seeing someone for over a year And I hadn't met them, I'd think that
- There was something wrong with her
- Something wrong with me
- She was imaginary
I don't think this is you moving too fast. He's holding back for some reason.
Whereas a friend of mine whose father is on his fourth long term relationship since his diverse from her mother in her teens has quite serious but quiet self esteem issues which manifest in relationships which her counsellor feels stem from her meeting several ' loves of her fathers life'. ( fwiw, I felt the same which is why she told me her counsellor thinks it too).
I wouldn't want to meet someone's kids before a year in, and I wouldn't think as well of them if they were prepared to risk their children's emotions before our relationship had established. 14 months straight out of a marriage doesn't seem necessary that settled, though hopefully OP feels secure in all other ways. Perhaps the discussion needs to encompass all areas of progression and future not just meeting the children?0 -
lostinrates wrote: »Whereas a friend of mine whose father is on his fourth long term relationship since his diverse from her mother in her teens has quite serious but quiet self esteem issues which manifest in relationships which her counsellor feels stem from her meeting several ' loves of her fathers life'. ( fwiw, I felt the same which is why she told me her counsellor thinks it too).
I wouldn't want to meet someone's kids before a year in, and I wouldn't think as well of them if they were prepared to risk their children's emotions before our relationship had established. 14 months straight out of a marriage doesn't seem necessary that settled, though hopefully OP feels secure in all other ways. Perhaps the discussion needs to encompass all areas of progression and future not just meeting the children?
It's 14 months into this relationship and over 3 years out of the marriage, not 14 months out of the marriage. But you're right that children shouldn't meet new partners too soon and then only if the relationship is stable. Your friends dad sounds like he doesn't quite understand this.
I do think the OP's partner isn't quite as committed as the OP.
I met my DH two months after my first marriage ended. I wasn't looking for a relationship but it quickly developed into a serious relationship. My son was 4 and he only met DH after we'd been together 6 months and had discussed it a lot. He was introduced as a friend, no big presentation thing. He was just one of mummy's friends but as he was so young he didn't understand relationships.0 -
Tenyearstogo wrote: »It's 14 months into this relationship and over 3 years out of the marriage, not 14 months out of the marriagevodkachick68 wrote: »I have been with my boyfriend for 14 months now and we love each other to bits. He has been separated for 3 and a half years and I came out of my marriage in April 2012.
Thanks
OP herself just came out of her marriage about fourteen months ago. (I think, i might have read or calculated in incorrectly!)
That's a lot of emotional change in not a long time frame and little or no time between to 'pause for contemplation'. I'm really with her partner in this that considered.0 -
My Dad left when I was 12 as he got caught having an affair, and he introduced us (me and sister) to her and her 4 children within a month of leaving. I can't even tell you how horrendous it felt. It was a horrible thing to go through and I've never really forgiven him for the way he handled it. We don't even talk now.
Your parents divorcing/seperating is a HUGE adjustment and he is more than entitled (and I think correct) in giving his children a decent chunk of time to experience him as a "single" parent and establish a new kind of relationship with him away from their mother and away from anyone he may be dating.First home purchased 09/08/2013
New job start date 24/03/2014
Life is slowly slotting into place :beer:0 -
lostinrates wrote: »OP herself just came out of her marriage about fourteen months ago. (I think, i might have read or calculated in incorrectly!)
That's a lot of emotional change in not a long time frame and little or no time between to 'pause for contemplation'. I'm really with her partner in this that considered.
Oh yes, sorry. I was looking at the OP partners time frame.0 -
From what I can remember from her otherthreads tho, there were other issues apart from just the OP meeting his children. He didn’t want to get to know her children, or introduce her to other family members.0
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I actually agree, you came straight out of your marriage to be with this person. Youve made other posts saying you want to move things forward quicker and hes more cautious, people are different.
Your relationship is your relationship, it wont move any more quickly if you meet his extended family, in fact if you mention it more, he might just get to think this isnt worth the bother its causing.
Id always respect someones wishes to tread carefully where their kids are concerned.0 -
Thankyou all so much for your replies:) its quite interesting to read the reactions from you all. I do take on board and appreciate that some posters might think this situation is unusual and it may come across that he isn't as committed as I am but obviously I am in the relationship and this doesn't seem the case.
Just to clarify he doesn't even speak to his ex-wife so that's not an issue and yes I do know that he is very cautious and protective over his kids. The breakup of their marriage hit them really hard.
I also know that his ex-wife has someone else and she also hasn't introduced them to her new partner either.
I suppose I have got to come to terms with the fact that I will meet them one day in the future and just try and enjoy each others company,and not get too het up about the subject. I cannot force him to do this,hes the only one who can decide when it happens.0 -
Unusual ? It happens all the time , do you think people with children from previous relationships don't go and date again and form new relationships ? I have not read your other threads so can not comment on your present relationship , I can tell though that if people who were in a relationship always knew who is invested to which extent there would be no broken hearts , you saying you know better because you are one in relationship is extremely naive. It's mot the issue with children per se as he might be right in his approach , its the fact you are insecure about it, reasons for this insecurity probably lay elsewhere in your relationship , despite you insisting you "love each other to bits". No amount of logical reasoning with yourself will change the fact you feeling shortchanged and usually if one feels shortchanged there are either good reasons for it or hang ups in the head and heart of him/her , both options are not good.The word "dilemma" comes from Greek where "di" means two and "lemma" means premise. Refers usually to difficult choice between two undesirable options.
Often people seem to use this word mistakenly where "quandary" would fit better.0
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