My Sister - Help Please

MrsPudding

LazyDaisy, your last post has really hit home. Its made this mans madness or badness all the more obvious. He has systematically built a no escape route round my sister even via the CB. So much has now fallen into place with regards to what is going on with my nephew and the mind games his father is embarking on, its chilling, it really is. I don't think she realizes the financial implications behind what's happening, she thought the little boy was 'just being used' by his father as part of his fathers control of her as in you will never think of leaving one day if you think your son hates you, you will stay to make him love you again. My nephew is part of the mans financial situation as well, he is being used to get money for him. It all makes sense now and of course he wouldn't do anything with the little one because he couldn't in a month of Sundays look after him because of work, plus a little one that age would be too hard to 'work on' with regards to thoughts about mummy. Dear God, what a mess.

Re the CB - her husband gets it or so I've been told, but this is puzzling me because I thought CB was paid to mothers, that it was the Governments way of ensuring mums always had money to get things for the child. Well that's what we were told way back in the 70's when I first claimed it. Is it different now. Or does my dad just mean the CB is paid into her husbands account - is there not a book you go to the post office with anymore? I've had a quick look at the CB website and it doesn't answer my question, in fact its just adding to my confusion. Could she have it changed back into her name or would she need her husbands permission?

My sister is saying she will leave without my nephew if it comes to it because she says to stay and let things continue will seriously affect her son in the long term. I've told her that so will leaving without him but she says - it wont be for long, I'll get him back and we'll get better together. Seeing that in print is so upsetting, it makes it all the more real. The wee one being wanted by his father isn't possible for practical reasons so her having to leave him behind just doesn't come into it.

Who is the main carer? My sister. Her work hours match school hours down to the last minute of the school holidays. She is never without her children and she's a lovely mum, a really good mum. Her husband works long hours and does shifts at times. I've hardly seen him in years. My sister is allowed out with me when I'm in the UK so we make the most of our time together and I don't think I've even had a cuppa in her house for years let alone spent time with her husband apart from Hello when I pick her and the children up.

As for her paying maintenance and him paying it to her, I really don't see how that would work. I have a sneaking suspicion debts are paid out of his wages at source. I know what should go into the house monthly, a combined total of about 2.4k, and I suspect debts from years ago that he ignored are now taken out of his salary with the result that even on pay day they are very short of money - but to commit fraud and take loans out in my sisters name isn't on. She is so frugal and can make a meal out of nothing, she doesn't know what it is to go to the hairdressers or just buy a new dress on a whim, a pair of tights even, and it matters not a bit that she gets those things in other ways - it just shouldn't be like this for her. Its the same with the children, she has never known whats its like to buy a pair of character PJ's for example on a whim just to see the wee ones face when they go to bed at night. Everything is planned because there is no way we could ever give her cash in hand for things - he'd take it.

Anyway, thank you for so much help. I have a far better understanding of things now and don't feel so much out of my depth. My sister really is kind of clueless, its what happens to these women, so its down to me and my dad to be one step ahead of her so we can explain things to her, as well as understand things she tells us. There's been quite a few times when I've said....are you sure that's right, are you sure that's what you've been told.

Once again, thank you.

zzzLazyDaisy

MrsPudding wrote: »

Re the CB - her husband gets it or so I've been told, but this is puzzling me because I thought CB was paid to mothers, that it was the Governments way of ensuring mums always had money to get things for the child. Well that's what we were told way back in the 70's when I first claimed it. Is it different now. Or does my dad just mean the CB is paid into her husbands account - is there not a book you go to the post office with anymore? I've had a quick look at the CB website and it doesn't answer my question, in fact its just adding to my confusion. Could she have it changed back into her name or would she need her husbands permission?

My sister is saying she will leave without my nephew if it comes to it because she says to stay and let things continue will seriously affect her son in the long term. I've told her that so will leaving without him but she says - it wont be for long, I'll get him back and we'll get better together.

Who is the main carer? My sister. Her work hours match school hours down to the last minute of the school holidays. She is never without her children and she's a lovely mum, a really good mum. Her husband works long hours and does shifts at times. I've hardly seen him in years.

As for her paying maintenance and him paying it to her, I really don't see how that would work.

Hi Mrs P

I suggest you post your question about CB on the benefits board, as you'll get accurate info there.

But as far as I know there is no book these days, it is paid directly into the account. Even back in the 70's it was possible to have the book in joint names. She could have the name changed without her husbands permission, but I think she is probably best waiting until she moves out and is clearly the single parent with care of the child.

From what you say, I don't understand how her OH will be able to care for the 7yr old if he is working long hours and shifts. I also don't really see how he can stop her taking BOTH children (the elder child might have a strop, but is not of an age to make those decisions for himself) and unless OH gives up his job, he is going to be very dependent on your sister still doing the main caring, isn't he? I think in her shoes, I'd wait for a time when he is at work and with the help of womens aid I'd take both children and then come to an arrangement with him for the eldest child to stay with him as often as he wishes/is practical, but making sure he only has 3 overnight stays with the father (so she is still the parent with care).

Re maintenance - sorry, I should have been clearer - I don't think it works that she pays to him and he pays to her, but rather that is how maintenance is worked out, and then if they don't balance each other out, then the difference is paid to the one who is short. Does that make sense? But actually, CSA only step in if the PWC makes an application to CSA, so it might be that they agree to just each look after the child they have kept (unless she does in fact take both children with her and come to a contact arrangement with him, in which case the above comments about are irrelevant as she would be PWC of both children and entitled to maintenance should she choose to claim it).

atrixblue.-MFR-.

i can answer the CB query. in essence mum or dad can legally claim CB child benefit is paid to a claimant, if he put his name as claimant, and his bank details for payment thats is fine with CB.

it will take time to transfure names as he will have to relinquish the claim himself, CB gives upto IRC 6 weeks and numerous letter to respond to transfure of payments and the mum can then claim, during this period WTC CTC maybe on stop because in essence to claim such benefit you have to be in receipt of CB although with allot of fuss involvement of agencies WTC CTC can pay these benfits on balance of probabilities youll be entitled to the benefit.

as for housing, Housing associations often have sheltered properties, as do the council have access to shelterted properties and charity run refuge.

if her employer is willing to help in anyway they may also offer to help with getting her to and from her place of refuge either by hiring a taxi and pay for it using different pick up and drop off routs as so he cant follow from place of work, or grant leave with pay untill things are sorted out.

LannieDuck

CB can be claimed by either partner depending on who puts in the claim. I can confirm it takes ages to get it changed to the other partner (in my case we're trying to change it from me to my husband who's a SAHD so he can get pension credit).

zzzLazyDaisy

LannieDuck wrote: »

CB can be claimed by either partner depending on who puts in the claim. I can confirm it takes ages to get it changed to the other partner (in my case we're trying to change it from me to my husband who's a SAHD so he can get pension credit).

Yes I've heard this. That's why I suggested that she waits till she's left and can clearly show that she is the parent with care of the child - and also so as not to cross her controlling husband while she is still living with him. But I do wonder why it takes so long when both parents are in agreement.... surely it should just be a simple admin exercise?

Edit: OP I don't want to worry you, but this is the sort of thing that can happen in your sister's situation, if steps are not taken to address the issue

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4652731