My Sister - Help Please

EchoDelta

LannieDuck wrote: »

I have nothing of much practical help to add, but wanted to say a huge good luck to you and your Dad. I hope you're able to help her make a break sooner rather than later.

This . Wishing her all the best .

MrsPudding

Hello Again, and thank you. I'll just go back to where I left off an touch on things that have been brought up if thats ok.

Fatbelly, there is no new accomodation, we are well and truly up a gum tree with that one. Their home is council property as a joint tenancy and we just know he will refuse to move. There are very obvious signs that he is turning their eldest child against my sister, I think its because deep down inside he has felt for a while the worm is turning and this is how he will now go about keeping her under control. I doubt my sister would leave home without her boy but she has told me she will and then fight it out from a better corner. This is part of the new peson she seems to be underneath her new very calm exterior. She is also adamant that she doesnt want the marital home, that she wants out and on to a new life, that she cant stand being in it. Quite how she will go about that I dont know because I suspect she will be deemed to have made herself intentionally homeless, and Im not sure womens aid will provide a refuge if their is no physical violence. Then there are her debts - she wouldnt pass a credit check for a private rental and where would the upfront money come from - she literally has nothing. For a year I kept my Uk home available to her, I dont live in the uk but was there last week when things opened up, anyway for a year my home was ready for her to walk into to the extent there was always food/milk in the fridge and freezer, tv, internet, and an envelope on the fire place with running away money in it. Enough for quite some months with no bills to pay on top. I had even arranged someone to get her and the boys to school and work everyday, our dad would have picked them up again. This was all waiting for her for a year and though she did have a few practice runs - they amounted to nothing more than a weekend away at her sisters to water the plants so to speak.

As it is this arrangement is no longer available to her in the short term because we couldnt leave the house sitting empty any longer and I now have a tennant in it - my insurance were none to happy with things and neither was I. I would lie awake at night scared someone would break in and squat in it.

There is also now the problem of the debts - I know nothing about how these things work and even if my house were available I would be scared to let her live there in case I got wound up in things via my address. Is that possible? Im also scared to say ok I will handle the debts to get you on a good road to a new life because what if she eventually goes back to him and the whole thing starts all over again. My instinct is telling me to let things happen as bad as they are then about a year from now say to her - ok, now we will sort you out money wise even if its furniture or car or an envelope in the cupboard. Im aware of how horrible some of that sounds.

Our dad has a one man tiny bungalow because its easy for him to keep. I live in a hotel when I visit, which is often.

We have been very much caught on the hop with this turn of events and to say we had nothing planned for the day she would say enough is enough is an understatement.

I dont know what I can do for her without affecting what the 'system' can do for her. I dont want her to be even further up queer street because of somethign I might try to take care of. She will need benefits, her wage isnt enough to keep her. I think she gets about 750 pounds after deductions.

As for the DRO? you mentioned. I found out about this last night and sent the link to my dad, but thank you anyway, its good to know we're understanding some of the ins and outs of this awful situation.

Sorry I have to go but I will be come back to reply later - unexpected visitors.

MrsPudding

ah, I have a few more minutes.

I think the idea of the police regarding the debts which have been taken out in her name is a bit of wishful thinking and us watching too much Lewis. I really dont believe for a minute its as easy as pk, she was at work at that particular time so couldnt have been at home on the computer getting a loan. However we do have access to a discreet policeman officer who would know the ins and outs of these things. My heart is telling me to pay the debts off for her but I really do think that right now its not the right thing to do - that other things have to happen as well.

Re the credit checks, we are on to that, and Im going to do it with them at the end of the phone tomorrow.

LannieDuck

You say you're not sure Women's aid would help much because she's not physically abused. They would certainly help in the case of mental or emotional domestic violence.

From your OP, the only part of his behaviour that you've described is that he controls the family finances, is very mean with the money and is in a lot of debt. Just to get a better idea of your sister's situation, what would be likely to happen if she decided that she wanted to take control of her own money, and diverted her pay into a bank account in her name? How would he react?

Edit: Sorry, didn't mean to imply that financial abuse itself isn't abuse.

tallyhoh

As an aside although she may already know this- make sure all important documents are hidden away at a relatives home or the like. I mean things like birth certs/passports etc (including the childrens). She will need them for a new life.

MrsPudding

Leannie, its mental and emotional abuse but even without those other problems financial issues are classed as abuse. I just didnt touch on the other things that go on. And she is in touch with woman's aid and seeing someone next week. She thinks its going to be a case of them saying go home and get packed and we will take you to a refuge. Im not sure that there are enough refuge places in the world for that to happen when need be.

Its why I'm thinking ahead to just where is she going to live and how do we make it happen with all of these debts and without making things worse whilst trying to make them better.

I was shocked that she had done the paperwork in order to get her salary into her account but she seems sure she will be physically safe. She said to me.......I had to start this ball rolling and now I have. Physical violence is not something he does. He's way cannier than that.

zzzLazyDaisy

There is also such a thing as financial abuse.

Women's aid help all sorts of people to leave all sorts of abusive relationships, they certainly don't restrict their help to women who are being physically abused.

I agree that now is probably not the right time to be wading in paying things for her - it wouldn't help her credit record anyway, as any damage has probably already been done.

You are very close to this situation and you may need to take a step back and play a supporting role and let women's aid and/or other professionals assist your sister for the moment - at the very least, they have contacts who they can call on, and they may even be able to give advice about the loans/debts/credit record problems as they must have come across these issues many times.

Re housing, it used to be the case that women who were being assisted by women's aid to leave abusive relationships were classed as vulnerable adults and had priority for social housing. I really have no idea whether that is still the case, but it is certainly worth finding out if they can assist with re-housing, again, this must be something they see all the time.

Edit cross posted with the above.

MrsPudding

Tallyho, thanks, we have the documents and they dont have passports...she cant even drive.

MrsPudding

Lazydaisy. ...that's it exactly, your first 4 paragraphs. My head is telling me this is the case, that we have to let the genie out of the bottle, but my heart is different. I feel for my dad and want to say ok lets make this go away because you are too old for all of this.

MrsPudding

Thank you do much for all of the replies and good wishes. They are helping a lot. I'm thousands of miles away from the UK but even so I feel we're managing this really well all things considered.

Thank goodness for the internet and kind people.