My Sister - Help Please

RAS

Hi

Please see this with regard to financial abuse; widely recognised https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/1276963 by Women's Aid.

Pity she did not take the house when it was free but she appears to be starting to take action in her own time.

Could anyone in the family act as a guarantor if she found a house to rent for 6 months?

The Council may have a policy on supporting Women escaping DV (and this is even if he does not hit her). She needs to ask the WA people and maybe speak to the Council direct.

She needs to do this before she ends the existing tenancy.

Useful things she can check are the Local Housing Allowance for her area (this is the maximum she can get if she takes a private rental). I suggest that she is pessamisitc and assumes the eldest will stay with the father initially. She needs to put her details into www.turn2us.org.uk and she needs to work out whether she would get any CSA; expect her ex to claim CSA for the eldest child if she moves out.

The nother useful link is www.freegle.co.uk or freecycle. She may be able to get things she would need off there for not cost and since work are being helpful, maybe able to get someoen to store for her?

MrsPudding

Doris your sad story sounds very familiar except this has gone on twice as long and whilst my dad thinks there is another family somewhere - I don't. I think its gambling. The man is literally never over the door apart from work. He has a very good work ethic and is what's called a grafter but just where everything goes is anyones guess. He follows my sister from room to room and the reason he doesn't go out is because he has to stay at home to watch every move she makes. I think he gambles online. I cant even mail her because their email is for both of them. Ive told her he has another, that he must have, but all she said was ah well. She will use our dads computer and email to do the credit report when she goes to see him this weekend. I'll talk them through it from this end because they really are quite a pair

MrsPudding

RAS, thank you.

A deposit could be paid for her but is it certain it wouldnt harm her when it comes to future benefits.

RAS

Given the problems that we have just had supporting a family member whose benefits were not paid promptly, my advice would be that if it comes to paying her deposit, you pay that direct to the Landlord or agent, not to her bank account.

That prevents some bright birk at the DWP or Council counting the money from family as income.

zzzLazyDaisy

MrsPudding wrote: »

RAS, thank you.

A deposit could be paid for her but is it certain it wouldnt harm her when it comes to future benefits.

It wouldn't harm her for benefit purposes. In fact if you paid the full 6 months up front, this would not come into the equation for assessment of benefit purposes (though I would suggest paying the landlord/agency direct, rather than paying it into her bank account for her to pay the rent). Assuming she is entitled to LHA, this wouldn't change because the rent had already been paid by a relative. So it is entirely legal for you to pay her rent up front, and her to pay you back each month as she receives her LHA (which is paid to her, not the landlord). But I would still suggest taking a step back and letting her sort herself out with assistance from Women's Aid and CAB unless she hits a brick wall. Because as much as you (understandably) want to protect your loved ones, part of the process is that she needs to *know* that she is capable of managing and standing on her own two feet.

@RAS - SNAP!

MrsPudding

Just to clarify, the eldest boy who is being turned against her isnt actually the eldest, he is the eldest of their second family so to speak. Her eldest is actually a young man of about 23 now who doesnt live at home anymore, and she has about a 16 year gap between the eldest and the middle child (who is the eldest at home), then there is the wee one of under 5.

My sister isnt yet 40.

MrsPudding

RAS and LazyDaisy, thank you so much. Everything you've written is what I hoped to hear.

RAS

In which case if he can keep the 7 year old with him, he can possibly get out of paying CSA. Does he earn more than her?

zzzLazyDaisy is right; the more of this she can do for herself the better.

The priority is to get herself out of the house and in alternative accomodation.

Then she needs the lawyers to fight the custody issues (which may well be very difficult).

Once she is away from him, she can speak to one of the debt charities; CAP do home visits so they may be more supportive for her than Stepchange or NDL who do telephone support.

LannieDuck

MrsPudding wrote: »

Leannie, its mental and emotional abuse but even without those other problems financial issues are classed as abuse. I just didnt touch on the other things that go on. And she is in touch with woman's aid and seeing someone next week. She thinks its going to be a case of them saying go home and get packed and we will take you to a refuge. Im not sure that there are enough refuge places in the world for that to happen when need be.

Its why I'm thinking ahead to just where is she going to live and how do we make it happen with all of these debts and without making things worse whilst trying to make them better.

I was shocked that she had done the paperwork in order to get her salary into her account but she seems sure she will be physically safe. She said to me.......I had to start this ball rolling and now I have. Physical violence is not something he does. He's way cannier than that.

I didn't mean to imply that financial abuse by itself wasn't abuse. I was trying to emphasise that women's aid should take her seriously regardless of the lack of physical abuse. Sorry that didn't come across.

zzzLazyDaisy

Also (and not wanting to jump too far ahead):

In very simple terms:

The childrens' parent with care (PWC) is the parent who they live most of the time with, even if they spend a lot of time with the other parent.
As a baseline, the parent who receives child benefit is the parent deemed to be the PWC in the absence of evidence to the contrary.
So if the CB is in joint names, it might be worth enquiring about changing it to her sole name for both children now (obviously if the CB is already in her sole name, great, and keep quiet)
Worst case scenario - say the residence dispute goes to court - the law says the interests of the children are paramount. Unless there is VERY good reason, the guidelines are that siblings should stay together. This is especially the case where they are not of an age to make their own decisions (the Gillick case put this at 12 yrs, but I suspect it has probably edged closer to 10 yrs now at least for bright children). Whatever, where siblings of 5 and 7 are concerned the courts are most likely to want to keep them together. The preference is also still for young children to stay with their mother, unless there is very good reason to go against this.
So, if she can't take both children with her, she must do her level best to take the youngest, because that is the first consideration - reuniting the children.
Also hope that he fights to keep the eldest but doesn't fight to regain the youngest, as that will go against him.
There is also the issue of who was the primary carer before the split - if she worked and he was a stay at home dad, he would be in a much stronger position. If they both work, but she was the primary carer before and after school, she is in a stronger position.
So if he works long hours and needs help with childcare before and after school, weekends, school holidays, when the child is sick - all the times when the mum might normally be the carer (if this was the case) it is worth her maintaining the status quo as much as she is able to do so
Re maintenance - if the ex keeps the eldest, she will be liable to pay maintenance, and he will be liable to pay maintenance for the youngest. Overnight stays affect the calculation in each case, as do children living with the payer. Look on the CSA website for the calculation. The two may balance each other out but if he is a high earner or has the children overnight significantly less of the time, it may go her way. She might even think it better not to rock the boat for the time being and agree that neither will claim maintenance from the other, but it is still worth having the information.