My Sister - Help Please

MrsPudding

Good Morning, I really don't know where to go with a problem that has surfaced over the last week so I'm hoping someone here can advise me on what to do next.

My sister is clawing her way out of an abusive marriage and this week has found loads of debt letters in her house from debt recovery agencies and bailiffs. She knew there was 2 ccj's in her name that as are yet unsatisfied, or so we can gather, but the letter she has now found and quite simply horrendous and would indicate personal debt of about 9k. She is claiming not to know anything about it and did, I do admit, look about ready to keel over when it came to light. She found the letters hidden about her home after her husband went to work, they were well hidden and some of them weren't even open. She works and leaves the house before then postman comes.

My sister isn't a physically abused woman, but she is in other ways and Womens Aid are involved. Her salary goes into her husbands account as do the WTC, child benefit and anything else they would be entitled to. She gets about 5 pounds a week to spend and we see to clothes and days out for her. I know it sounds horrendous but up to know it would have taken the work of one of those 'de-programming type' groups to get her away from her husband and all we've been able to do is wait and hope and help her when we could even if it was just with verbal support and love. She met her husband when she was a very young teenager and a lifetime later things have come to a head. Her husband had her mind from the time she was a girl and we have battled it ever since. Its been a long and hard road but we just couldn't make her see sense. Anyway now she has and what is coming to light is just a big awful mess, he is up to his ears in debt and even this last month has been getting even more, someone checked the history on his computer for us. Not my sister.

Its me and my dad who are now doing most of the groundwork for what is going to follow because my brother in law knows something isn't right and my sister is being watched virtually around the clock apart from when she is at work. Her female boss is being very supportive and is part of the next process with regards to some of the practicalities necessary.

So here it is and I feel awful for asking - is it true my sister could not have possibly known about the loans, that her husband who is up to his eyes in debts could have taken them out on line in her name. And what about the 2ccj's that are apparently unsatisfied according to the website, how would they get more credit for her if she already has ccj's.

This is all completely new to me and to be quite frank I don't have a clue as to what is what and what to believe or not. We will do everything to help her but we cannot help her properly until we know the absolute truth about things.

thanks for any help anyone can give me.

MrsPudding

Just to add she is seeing the CAB next week, and Womens Aid are involved but as yet she is still living at home.

Slowdown

Hello Mrs Pudding,
I have just read your tale and couldn't leave without saying something.

I cannot be of much help where the debts are concerned but I would like comment on your sister's likelyhood of knowing about the debts.

There is the possibility that she didn't know. It seems obvious that her husband is unstable. 'Normal' relationships do not include: a partner who is controlling to the point of having all the money in their account, drip feeding enough to keep the other person on a leash, watching the other person like a hawk to check up on them, hiding correspondence etc etc. This is serious abuse of a person's rights. With that in mind it is quite possible he took loans out in her name. It can be done over the internet with unscrupulous and sometimes more reputable companies, and if you read a few of the threads on here you find many people to whom it has happened. He can control her further if she is up to her eyeballs in debt. Its another link in the chain of the leash he has her on.

Even if she did know about the loans and refuses to acknowledge it now, does it really matter? This person has been controlled and bullied and may well not remember consenting to things in the past. Or she may be so feeling embarassed/ashamed of her situation that she simply cannot bring herself to admit it. It doesn't matter at this point. What does matter is getting her away from this man with your help. Then maybe she can straighten a few things out.

I have no experience of this but surely she can request her wages are paid into a different account. It may set her OH off, but she has a right to her own wages, as stipulated by the UN Declaration of Human Rights.

Good Luck and Kind regards
Slowdown:)

fatbelly

For the moment it's just data collection as far as the debts are concerned. She needs to get her own accommodation sorted and control of her income.

Then look at the numbers. It may be a case for a Debt Relief Order and a fresh start, though getting the (new) address withheld from the register is a bit of a pain.

Anyway it's one step at a time and the debts are not the most important thing here.

MrsPudding

Hello there and thank you for your reply. Im on my phone and have fat fingers so I will say - her salary will not be showing up in his account as of this month. Its been taken care of. And yes it does matter about her knowing about the debts or not, but only because we wonder if she can go to the police or not about it because surely it must be illegal. These kind of things are coming up and we are having to find out what we can so we can report back to her.

Personally I think her husband is a secret gambler because to be quite frank there is nothing to show for the debts. Absolutey nothing.

zzzLazyDaisy

Does she have online banking? Does she even know if there is an online bank account in her name? Once online banking is set up, and provided he knows her passwords, then yes, it is possible for him to get a loan in her name. So yes, it is entirely possible that she has debts that she didn't even know about. It is also possible that at some point he has stuck a piece of paper under her nose and told her to sign it and she may not have known what she was signing for, or she has been living in such a state of anxiety that she genuinely doesn't remember.

If you haven't already done so, I suggest that you do some googling about 'gaslighting' and 'narcissistic personality disorder'.

I would suggest that your sister does nothing to upset or trigger her OH at this stage, but just takes photocopies of anything she can lay her hands on (or photos) and puts them back. The worst thing she can do is to accuse him or make him realise he has been rumbled or that the 'worm' is about to turn. Please do not under-estimate him.

EDit - just seen your above post - yes he may have done something illegal, but proving it may be extremely difficult. With evidence of the debts on her phone (or photocopies) you can later contact the lenders and ask for copies of the CCA agreement which should show a signature. It may or may not be hers, or a good forgery of hers, and to be honest in real terms you may have to balance your own perfectly understandable wish to make him pay, against supporting her in making a clean break (that in itself may be very difficult for her, these men can be very addictive and a lot of women go back many times before they break free).

MrsPudding

Hello there, I just want to say thank you and acknowledge the replies. I will reply to them when im homes this evening on a keyboard for fat fingers.

fatbelly

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

EDit - just seen your above post - yes he may have done something illegal, but proving it may be extremely difficult. With evidence of the debts on her phone (or photocopies) you can later contact the lenders and ask for copies of the CCA agreement which should show a signature. It may or may not be hers, or a good forgery of hers, and to be honest in real terms you may have to balance your own perfectly understandable wish to make him pay, against supporting her in making a clean break (that in itself may be very difficult for her, these men can be very addictive and a lot of women go back many times before they break free).

I agree with this. By all means discuss this aspect with the police. They should have experience of this as it's very common, and they will be able to tell you the pros and cons here.

Bear in mind that the Consumer Credit Act 2006 came in in April 2007 and there is no requirement for a signature for an agreement to be enforceable. If credit was taken out in her name, electronically, by him, it will be impossible in practice to prove that it was not her.

That's why I suggested earlier that you need to find out what debts are in her name but concentrate on the accommodation and income protection for now.

In the new situation, a CAB debt adviser should be able to run through the options and also get a Experian credit report (on the understanding that a DRO is being considered) without any paperwork going to her home address.

I think I'm right in saying that she could get the Equifax and Call Credit versions of her credit report electronically without anything being sent to the home address.

Out,_Vile_Jelly

There will no doubt be lots of bureaucratic untangling to sort out in future (the CAB will probably advise contact with one of the free debt charities to clarify what's what and how to approach it).

In the meantime, please concentrate on helping your sister to emotionally detach herself from this manipulative man, as that will no doubt be the hardest part. It sounds like he has controlled every part of her life for a long time. Perhaps you could get her put on the electoral register for her new address, or take out a library card in her name as small steps towards independence?

Wishing you all the best.

LannieDuck

I have nothing of much practical help to add, but wanted to say a huge good luck to you and your Dad. I hope you're able to help her make a break sooner rather than later.

Doris65_2

Hi
I couldn't read and run, I was in a very abusive marriage for a lot of years and it is quite possible for your sister not to have known, I didn't know that he hadn't paid the rent for 6 months until they turned up to evict us, Luckily they didn't, but I then found out that he hadn't been paying any thing, and there was nothing to show for it, his vice was other women, and keeping his wife and children below the poverty line, it took me 13 years before I came to see him for what he was and to escape from him, your support for your sister is the most vital thing right now, I am sure that having you and your dad supporting her is life line, I know my family were amazing when I finialy got out, I could not have done it with out them.

Good Luck with it all
Dx