Dealing with my demons!

busybumblebee

Hi to those who read this and thank you for taking an interest in what I have to say, share and admit

First of all, this is going to be my dirty little secret, I've read quite a few of these diaries who have the same confession, so I feel ok about it!

I've been reading this forums for about 6 weeks now and I cannot believe how much I've learnt already, I'm sure many people say this, but I really wish I'd have discovered this forum many years ago. I've been swept away by people's stories, situations and most of all successes. The amount of money that people have managed to repay is truly amazing.

I wasn't going to write a diary because I'm hoping that with some hard work over the next few months, I should hopefully clear my debt quite quickly. However, I've actually realised that paying off the debt isn't all of the answer, I really need to deal with the cause of the problem and deal with my demons!!

So here I am, ready to bare all and share with anyone who cares to join me :rotfl:

A little about me. Being in debt has never really bothered me that much, it feels like something that most people do and in some cases, how some people survive. There was a time when I was in about £15k of debt and it did feel like a massive weight on my shoulders and I sorted myself out and managed to clear the majority of it. However, now I'm looking at things with new eyes, I've realised that I've actually spent most of my adult life in debt and that's what I need to sort out.... my attitude towards and respect for money!

I got into debt years ago because I was with an ex who earnt double what I did and I tried to live the same. I was also young and foolish and organised all the holidays, paying upfront on my CC, either to not get all the money back or get it back in dribs and drabs and not pay it straight off and fritter it away on something useless.

When we split up I was living with my parents and had small outgoings and I bought lots of nice things to cheer me up. My best friends either lived away or had OH's that I didn't really want to do stuff with, so my parents were my closest friends for quite some time after and they like to spend! We would go shopping somewhere most weekends, share the cost of lunches, drinks etc all the time whilst I could never really afford it.

So, I've got into bad spending habits. It's those habits I need to break and need to focus on budgeting to save instead of budgeting to pay off my continual cycle of debt!

My OH is brilliant with money and he doesn't have debt, I don't even think he has a CC anymore. He has savings and he doesn't worry too much about spending money when he needs/wants to. We have a house together and it needs a new boiler, he's just offered to pay for this out of his own savings and I feel useless and have nothing to offer

It's this feeling that is going to focus my attitude change and also the amazing motivation I've found from joining loads of challenges.

I currently owe £3200 on a CC, which fortunately is 0% until next March, so it will be clear by then. However, this amount is weighing more down on my shoulders than any of the other money ever did and I think it's because I've finally seen the light and the error of my ways. I want to use my new found skills and focus to save instead of spend. I want to be the one saying I can pay for us to go on holiday or get a new carpet and not feel ashamed of my shocking inability to say no to buying things!!!!

If you're still with me, thank you... I really can ramble on I just needed to get this all out and I feel slightly better than I did at the start of this post.

See you later diary

jackieblack

Congratulation on your LBM :T
Once you're debt free you'll be amazed how differently you feel.
Do you have a 'plan of attack'?

HeadAboveWater

Hello busybumblebee :hello:

Yay for stepping up and facing things! Sounds like most of your debt was just spending for the sake of spending. Unfortunately a very easy habit to get into. But thankfully it's easy to get a new habit of not spending!

Will subscribe to follow your progress, and hopefully encourage you along the way!

busybumblebee

Thanks both. I can't believe how liberating it is just to admit it and talk about it.

I have another admission.... no one know about my debt except this forum!! Not even my OH I know I need to talk to him about it, I just keep chickening out of doing it, I know how utterly disappointed in me he will be!

I have several plans of action...

First is - throw everything at my debt for the next 6 months and clear it through paydays and any little extras I can make. Im lucky that I do have £450 a month, I can pay off, so it will be gone by Christmas either way.

Second is - be honest with my OH and see if he minds if I pay a bit less into our joint account for the next 3 - 4 months, so that I only cover our bills and the account picks up the extras like food shopping. If I did this, then I would have another £200 a month to pay, so I could be clear by September/October

The second option is clearly the best option because then I can focus my energy on saving and providing for our future together, I just need to get the guts to sit down and talk about everything!!!!

The second option is also clearly the best option because it gives me the opportunity to say to him, 'well actually I can't really afford to do 'that' this month' - whereas at the moment I just go with the flow and then worry about the consequences afterwards.

I know what you're thinking... I am too... what am I waiting for????

HeadAboveWater

Exactly! Go for it!

What I would suggest, which you've kinda already thought about anyway, is have your 'plan of attack' ready in your head before you speak to your OH. Means that instead of just saying 'I've £x debt', you can say 'Ive £x debt and I'm already in the process of doing/changing x y and z to get rid of it, and I'll be debt free by mm/yy'.

Plus, as you say, your second option will take the pressure of you both doing stuff together if he know exactly how much debt you're in.

jackieblack

busybumblebee wrote: »

i know what you're thinking... I am too... What am i waiting for????

But you know your OH, we don't.

busybumblebee

You're completely right, I do know my OH, and I know there is nothing to be scared of about telling him, I just know he'll be utterly disappointed.

I know I need to tell him though because it'll make it easier in the long run for explaining why I never have spare money (at the minute). This morning he was talking about the next car we should buy, as we'll need to get a bigger family car in the future, and I was siting there thinking that, that's a goal I'd rather be working towards and when it comes to it (it's not an instant plan!) I want to be able to contribute.

I just never seem to find the right time - I'm just such a wuss!!

Anyway, I'm having another NSD today. I committed to 10 this month and this will be no' 4. This week has been a bit more spendy than I really wanted but it was due to Father's Day and having to buy pressies for that. I had a heavy month in June with lots of birthdays at the end of May. I am slightly back in my OD, which I'm disappointed about because I really wanted to be in credit on payday!!!

I know where it went wrong this month. I had two spendy nights out, which I wouldn't normally do. One of them was sort of planned but the meal ended up being more expensive than I expected and then OH had no cash so I ended up buying a couple of rounds of drinks, £50 later and completely out of budget!! :mad: Then I had a last minute night out with my best mate, we haven't been out in about 6 months and it was needed. We had a voucher for cheap meals and then when we arrived at the restaurant, there was no table free! So, onto another restaurant where it was more than double the price of what we would have paid if we'd have been able to use the voucher.

Payday tomorrow though. Another new month to work on my budgeting skills, which are definitely a million times better than they were were in March before I embarked on this little journey

HeadAboveWater

Ah I know all about being a wuss!! :rotfl: I'm more the type to crawl under the table and hide

It's good to know where you're extra spends have gone. Sometimes life gets in the way and we can't help having to spend that bit extra. It was a one off (well, two off actually!) and you've still managed to make it to payday - that's something to be proud of! You're doing really well!

busybumblebee

Thank you HAW:A I really appreciate the kind words, understanding and support, debt is a lonely place to be.

I've been thinking about my reasons for not telling my OH today and it all boils down to one thing... saying £3k out loud!! :eek: In my head and because I know even without help, I can pay it off in 6 months, it doesn't feel like that much (although I know it is). But for someone who doesn't have debt and has never had debt, it sounds like loads!!! It's just that I know I've been in much worse positions and still come out the other side. I also know that this time, I'm ready to deal with the root cause and look at the reason for it, rather than just the end product, but I'm not sure he'll accept that and I don't know how I'll react if he says something like 'until next time' when I have been putting a hell of a lot of effort in for the last 6 weeks. Anyway..

I have a million reasons for telling him... here goes:
- I want to be honest with him and don't want to hide it
- I want to earn some extra cash by doing some online stuff, but currently don't have an explanation for why I suddenly want to do this (when I don't use my PC that much at home normally!)
- I would like the option of paying it off quicker by paying a bit less into our joint account for a few months, if he's up for that
- I want to be saving rather than paying debt off
- I don't want to be worrying about how much I'm spending/budgeting when we actually do something together (we don't much as we have a small child)
- Most importantly I want to be saving for our future and the things we want in life
- Similar to the last reason, I actually want to contribute to buying the house stuff instead of him offering to use his savings all the time - I cannot tell you how much I want to buy us a new living room carpet!!

Maybe I should write it down and give it to him... :rotfl:

HeadAboveWater

Glad to be of help

OH has never had any debt (not counting his mortgage). His ex wife, on the other hand, did. And a lot of it. He ended up forking out his own money for her debts. He got 40% of the house when they sold it. She also emptied the contents But... he's worked hard to get where he's at today: savings, house, custody of the girls, car, bikes, and so on.
When I met him I was still paying off my last debt (to the bank of mum ), but made it clear from the start where I stood with regards to money. He said at the time if I was loaded with debt he'd have kept his distance. Probably for fear of me taking advantage the same as his ex did. He'd been on dates before with women who expected him to pay for them every time.
Thankfully I'm the opposite to his ex regarding money. To be honest money is of no interest to me. Means to an end basically. From the start of our relationship I insisted on paying my way, or taking turns or whatever, even though I hadn't much to actually spend. Meant we weren't doing things he could afford and I couldn't.
It works for us, but every couple has their own way of sorting finances.

Prevention is better than cure is what I say! If you know what's causing the 'problem' regarding money, you'll find it easier to fix!

I'm sure your OH will be happy that you're being honest with him, you're taking responsibility for your debts, you're on your way out of that hole, and you're looking to your future as a family

jackieblack

busybumblebee wrote: »

- I want to be honest with him and don't want to hide it
- I want to earn some extra cash by doing some online stuff, but currently don't have an explanation for why I suddenly want to do this (when I don't use my PC that much at home normally!)
- I would like the option of paying it off quicker by paying a bit less into our joint account for a few months, if he's up for that
- I want to be saving rather than paying debt off
- I don't want to be worrying about how much I'm spending/budgeting when we actually do something together (we don't much as we have a small child)
- Most importantly I want to be saving for our future and the things we want in life
- Similar to the last reason, I actually want to contribute to buying the house stuff instead of him offering to use his savings all the time - I cannot tell you how much I want to buy us a new living room carpet!!

Maybe I should write it down and give it to him... :rotfl:

Just focus on these positive reasons.
Do you think if you presented the issue to him less as a problem you have and more of a challenge you'd like his support with, and explain your plan of how you're going to tackle it, he'll view it less negatively?

Either way he needs to know. He's making plans in ignorance of the position you're in.

Finally, I know if my DH was keeping something like this from me I'd be more disappointed in the fact he'd kept it a secret than the fact that he was in debt.
How would you feel if the situation were reversed?