My Partner said she has lost her feelings for me - what can I do?

DiiFMaritime

My partner and I have been together for over 6 years now. I felt that she is increasingly distant of late and when I tried to make a move on her a few days ago, she said she was uneasy and refused. Alarm bells started ringing and we had a long chat and I finally realised the problem - for the past 2 years we have only had sex a handful times. She cried as she said why have I just realised the problem. She felt I was no longer attracted to her and didn't love her anymore. She said she has lost her feelings for me and felt distant.

It broke my heart to hear it as I had no idea I neglected her and the damaged I had done. I love her very much and I want to make amends but she said she need some time.

I know I can't push her into accepting me as I can imagine it had been very hard for her and it is completely my fault that our relationship gets to this stage. What can I do that won't alienate her but will help repair the relationship?

Your advise / experience will be much appreciated

balletshoes

This sounds like it can be fixed - go back to basics , go out on dates, surprise her with little treats, thank her for the chores she does around the house, ask her how she is when you/she gets in from work, and hug her (without expecting it to go further).

Its really easy to get in a rut when you live together and have done for a long time. Show her and tell her you appreciate her.

Remember how you felt about her when you were just starting out together, how you wanted to please her etc? Bring some of that back into your relationship now.

kwmlondon

Go and see a professional relationship counsellor. There are people who are trained and capable professionals who can support you and your partner.

Good luck.

Nottoobadyet

I think you can fix this - like ballet shoes says, turn on all the taps that you would if you were courting a new partner. Be romantic, do things, remind her why she fell in love with you in the first place.

Im in the same boat - my boyfriend could go months without and wouldn't think twice about it. Many women are programmed by our culture to think that the only reason their partner wouldnt want to have sex with them is because they must be a hag, and are made to feel ashamed of having a higher sex drive. You'll need a lot of positive re-enforcement to overcome this, but you can do it if you really put your mind to it Im sure.

DiiFMaritime

Nottoobadyet wrote: »

I think you can fix this - like ballet shoes says, turn on all the taps that you would if you were courting a new partner. Be romantic, do things, remind her why she fell in love with you in the first place.

Thanks for the replies so far. I have already arranged a few things to do together - Badminton tonight, Bowling on Saturday, Shopping trip next Thursday - hopefully this will improve things:)

Im in the same boat - my boyfriend could go months without and wouldn't think twice about it. Many women are programmed by our culture to think that the only reason their partner wouldnt want to have sex with them is because they must be a hag, and are made to feel ashamed of having a higher sex drive. You'll need a lot of positive re-enforcement to overcome this, but you can do it if you really put your mind to it Im sure.

Don't feel ashamed, everyone is different and be proud of who you are:). Ssometimes men go without because lives are now too busy as was in my case (I used to work 37 hours a week but for the past few months that has increased to 50 hours a week out of choice:()

That is not to say he doesn't love you anymore by any means, only you will know whether his feelings for you has changed. In any case, speak to him about your concerns and be open about them - I wish my partner had sat me down and spoke to me about her concerns rather than for me to discover myself

InsideInsurance

DiiFMaritime wrote: »

I used to work 37 hours a week but for the past few months that has increased to 50 hours a week out of choice

That may explain the last few months but doesnt explain all of the 2 years. Whilst things naturally do calm down -v- how they were when you first met it may be worth chatting to the dr to see if there is any underlying reason for you lack of interest in your partner.


Outside that I'd agree with others, its a case of winning her back and reproving that despite your lack of sex drive you are still interested in her. Personally I would avoid the one thing that I've seen suggested elsewhere of effectively diarying a slot every day/ week/ month which you always use for sex as to me needing to put it in a diary and force yourself to do it is just as bad as not doing it at all and not realising it.

tea_lover

InsideInsurance wrote: »

Personally I would avoid the one thing that I've seen suggested elsewhere of effectively diarying a slot every day/ week/ month which you always use for sex as to me needing to put it in a diary and force yourself to do it is just as bad as not doing it at all and not realising it.

I think the logic behind that suggestion is that once you get back into the habit, you remember how much fun it was in the first place. It's often said that the more sex you're having, the more sex you're likely to want. So a short-term diary system (for a few weeks) could work, as it may help kickstart things again. A bit like dragging yourself to the gym after a long break and then remembering you really enjoy it when you're there!

But it's not for everyone, I'd certainly agree with that.

DiiFMaritime

InsideInsurance wrote: »

That may explain the last few months but doesnt explain all of the 2 years. Whilst things naturally do calm down -v- how they were when you first met it may be worth chatting to the dr to see if there is any underlying reason for you lack of interest in your partner.


Outside that I'd agree with others, its a case of winning her back and reproving that despite your lack of sex drive you are still interested in her. Personally I would avoid the one thing that I've seen suggested elsewhere of effectively diarying a slot every day/ week/ month which you always use for sex as to me needing to put it in a diary and force yourself to do it is just as bad as not doing it at all and not realising it.

I definitely don't want to make sex a "routine and needs to be done" type of thing but rather to get it back on the table as something that is done between us as and when it naturally happens

Pollycat

You sound like a nice guy, I hope you can sort this out.

Re this:

DiiFMaritime wrote: »

Thanks for the replies so far. I have already arranged a few things to do together - Badminton tonight, Bowling on Saturday, Shopping trip next Thursday - hopefully this will improve things:)

Don't fall into the trap of thinking that you always need to be doing 'things' together.

A hug when you come home from work and making a cup of coffee without being asked etc etc will show her that you are thinking of her.

Good luck.

DiiFMaritime

Pollycat wrote: »

You sound like a nice guy, I hope you can sort this out.

Re this:

Don't fall into the trap of thinking that you always need to be doing 'things' together.

A hug when you come home from work and making a cup of coffee without being asked etc etc will show her that you are thinking of her.

Good luck.

Thank you so much:)

I do those little things that you mention and she knows it - that's why I hadn't notice the problem because she was behaving all the same. But we haven't really been away on holiday for a while and I just wanted to do something a bit different

marisco_2

More than anything I think you both need to work on your communication with each other. It appears that your partner has been getting more and more dissatisfied within your relationship over quite a period of time. Rather than approach you, to have an open and honest chat with you in an attempt to solve any issues and get back on track, she withdrew from you and became distant. Then she seems to have resented the fact that you didn't pick up on all that she is feeling. You are not a mind reader though.

My advice to you is to make lots of time to talk to each other. It doesn't have to be about anything heavy. Just taking an interest in each others days, sharing a laugh and a joke, offering support or advice if one or other of you is facing a dilemma or work issue, being proud of one another when you achieve something. Make the effort to emotionally reconnect with each other and get that real deep closeness back that you once had. Enjoy going out and doing things together but also enjoy the small day to day stuff like cooking up a meal, going for a country walk, snuggling up to watch a movie.

It can be fun to rekindle the romance in a relationship when you have both got bogged down with daily life and taken each other for granted. Once you feel happier and closer again all the rest will fall into place naturally. Hope you manage to work it out, deep down it sounds as if that is what you would both like to happen