Dating Game and Being in Debt...

JimmyTheWig

Errata wrote: »

Is it? I'd be very wary of a bloke I'd dated for a few months who wanted to know the far end of my financial situation.
"I can't afford x,y,z at the moment because I'm paying a few bills" is all that needs to be said.

To me that runs the risk of sounding like you're not really bothered about seeing the other person.
I doubt that he'd ask. Probably wouldn't get that far.

If it can at least be explained by a temorary debt issue then I think that is better than leaving it unexplained.

viscachaz

I was unemployed on JSA, sanctioned, and being paid a reduced amount when not sanctioned when I met my boyfriend. He literally paid for EVERYTHING.. I sat him down adfter the first few trips out (where he insisted he paid for anything despite me being able to chip in a little) and explained how bad I felt, that I was happy to do things that didn't involve him paying, but he said he pays because he enjoys my company and spending time with me, and enjoys treating me to things, but assured me if he wasn't happy paying, he would say something about it.
8 months later and he's still completely fine with it, I do check it's still alright, and try to avoid getting in situations/suggesting things that i feel would be unfair for him to pay, and generally let him suggest things unless he specifically asks me.

Admittedly we're on a more even footing now, but I don't feel he ever thought badly of me for it, and if anything, was glad I did say something and explain about it so he could make an informed decision!

Takeaway_Addict

Errata wrote: »

Is it? I'd be very wary of a bloke I'd dated for a few months who wanted to know the far end of my financial situation.
"I can't afford x,y,z at the moment because I'm paying a few bills" is all that needs to be said.

I would be wary of a woman I was dating who couldn't be honest with me...

Errata

Takeaway_Addict wrote: »

I would be wary of a woman I was dating who couldn't be honest with me...

What's dishonest about what I posted?

[Deleted User]

I think what matters is the CHARACTER of a person and it doesn't mean you are a dubious character if you get into debt as it is very easily done and we all learn to be more disciplined and avoid credit ( I hate credit! lol )

Anyway - I agree with the others , if the person had a serious gambling problem etc or were a dodgy character in general that would be a deal breaker for most people but a lovely person can still get into debt and it wouldn't put me off at all as long as the person was doing something about it

We all struggle at times and at other times have more or 'extra' money but that is not usually a reflection on our character and he obviously likes you as a person which is what counts and am sure he will understand x

( I don't see anything wrong in saying you are strapped for cash at the moment but all is going to be resolved soon as personally I don't think I would be comfortable going into my debt situation with someone other than sort it out myself )

Bolshie

viscachaz wrote: »

I was unemployed on JSA, sanctioned, and being paid a reduced amount when not sanctioned when I met my boyfriend. He literally paid for EVERYTHING.. I sat him down adfter the first few trips out (where he insisted he paid for anything despite me being able to chip in a little) and explained how bad I felt, that I was happy to do things that didn't involve him paying, but he said he pays because he enjoys my company and spending time with me, and enjoys treating me to things, but assured me if he wasn't happy paying, he would say something about it.
8 months later and he's still completely fine with it, I do check it's still alright, and try to avoid getting in situations/suggesting things that i feel would be unfair for him to pay, and generally let him suggest things unless he specifically asks me.

Admittedly we're on a more even footing now, but I don't feel he ever thought badly of me for it, and if anything, was glad I did say something and explain about it so he could make an informed decision!

viscacha, this is exactly how it is for me at the moment. He is a lawyer in the city so I have no doubt his income is considerably higher than mine and he has said that he is happy to pay for dinner and things which is nice on the first couple of dates but down the line it starting to make me feel bad.
The last guy I was seeing made a big deal about the fact he paid for some things we did together and since then it's always stuck with me incase the new guy might think the same.

Anyway's we are off out this weekend so once we are relaxed I'll bring it up and try and judge his reaction which I hope is good as I really like him

Admittedly we're on a more even footing now, but I don't feel he ever thought badly of me for it, and if anything, was glad I did say something and explain about it so he could make an informed decision![/QUOTE]

viscacha, this is excatly how it is for me at the moment. He is a lawyer in the city so I have no doubt his income is considerable higher than mine and he has said that he is happy to pay for dinner and things which is nice on the first date but down the line it starts to make me feel bad.
The last guy I was seeing made a big deal about the fact he paid for some things we did together and since then it's always stuck with me incase the new guy might think the same.

Anyway's we are off out this weekend so once we are relaxed I'll bring it up and try and judge his reaction which I hope is good as I really like him

lostinrates

Bolshie wrote: »

Anyway's we are off out this weekend so once we are relaxed I'll bring it up and try and judge his reaction which I hope is good as I really like him

Good luck. . My dh is the same profession and he's fabulous enough for me to have married while as a group they have terrible reputations I genuinely have me some lovely, genuine men in that field of work, with wonderful diverse interests, great education and a cosmopolitan outlook. I hope it works well for you. .

viscachaz

Are you sure we're not the same person?! My ex used to insist on paying for everything and buying me surprise presents and then blamimg me that he was skint and now wouldn't even be able to afford to eat for a month..

Is also why I started feeling so bad, but once me and the current guy had talked it through, it was all sorted out in a matter of minutes, and I think he wished I'd said how I was feeling sooner!

Good luck with everything, and have a great weekend, remember, if he likes you and wants to spend time with you, it's solely because of you and WHO you are, not what money or possessions you do or don't have!

Primrose

Well if you're really serious about this relationship you need to start being totally honest about your financial situation now and I think you also have to tell your boyfriend the specific steps you are taking to get yourself out of debt and get your finances back on track. If you don't do this you will build up a level of distrust that will be difficult to unravel and he will think he's just being used. If he's really keen on you he will support you in your efforts and not suggest expensive outings and holidays you can't afford. But if you continue to pull the wool over his eyes about your finances he's going to start feeling rather wary of having you as a long term partner when he eventually finds out.

Bolshie

Hi,

Just want to give you quick update after the great advice you gave me last week.
So after a few glasses of wine while we were out having dinner I explained that after leaving my last relationship and moving in to my own place I found myself in a bit of financial bother and was taking steps to tackle it which is currently leaving money a bit tight at the moment and I won't be able to afford a holiday in July like we planned.

He was great about it, said he kinda guessed that I was in that situation and understood and no he did not think I was a loser...!

So that's one problem sorted and I've been on the phone to my credit card and PDL companies to sort out repayment plans so hopefully I'll be back on my feet in no time.

Thanks again for all your honest advice.