Dating Game and Being in Debt...

Bolshie

Just wanted to know peoples opinion on this one; been dating someone for a few months now and all is going really well but the one thing that ruins it for me is the fact I'm really struggling financially at the moment (renting property, PDLs, credit cards, salary isn’t great)

We want to do things and go places together; I have a week off work next month (no choice in the matter, have to take it) and he suggested going away for a few days but the closer it gets the more I know I'm not going to be able to afford it.

I'm sick of telling him I can't afford to do this, that or the other and I don't really want to tell him my financial circumstances for fear of him thinking I'm a complete loser and for it to be over before it starts.

When we are out he pays for the biggest bulk of things i.e. dinner, drinks, taxis and I chip in where I can, however he is eventually going to get !!!!!! off with this.

So what do I do? Come clean and admit I’m up to my ears in it and can’t afford a holiday or keep quiet and see how it goes???

So fed up with it all…:mad:

I’d like to hear your thoughts, thanks.

Orlando_Virgin

Are you trying to do anything about your debts? Maybe you could explain your situation to a certain degree, and then tell him what you're trying to do about it.

I know if I was dating someone and they had debt problems I wouldn't just cast them aside as losers, I would see if they were genuinely trying to do something about it, and try to support them, maybe not financially but in other ways.

If I thought they were sponging (which it sounds like you're not, or you wouldn't have said what you have) then that would be a different matter.

A person isn't a loser for having financial troubles.

SandC

I'm sure he will respect you for opening up, that's preferable to getting into any further debt (which I know you are not about to do anyways). You don't have to tell him details, just that you are not on a great salary, have some credit cards to pay off and don't have much to spare to spend on yourself after all your living expenses.

I have in the past always had issues with blokes paying for stuff and things for me but realised that actually if it were the other way around and I was the one who was better off I'm sure I would be more than happy to treat my boyf - the alternative being we don't do anything or go out at all!

Having said that, if I found out someone was in extensive debt early on in the dating I would probably hesitate to take things further unless I knew it was being dealt with and it wasn't borne of a reckless nature in general when it comes to finances - but attitudes to finances can be gleaned just by spending time with someone so that kind of thing tends to become apparent to me early on.

So my advice is fess up and he'll probably reassure you.

marisco_2

Very few people are in a great place financially at the moment. Most are struggling in one way or another to make ends meet. How much you decide to disclose about your situation to this guy is your call. I think it would be more than reasonable to suggest to him that you enjoy doing things together that don't cost so much. There are all kinds of nice activities and ways to spend your time without having to fork out loads of money.

Someone would have to be very shallow to view you as a loser, simply for being open and explaining that you need to cut down on your expenses. I doubt very much that your relationship would be over before it has even begun, if you raised this concern with this guy. If he is as nice as you appear to view him he will respect your honesty.

Errata

Tell him you can't afford it; you don't have to give him the reasons. If he thinks anything of you he'll accept that, if he doesn't he won't.

CH27

Have you got a plan of action for tackling your debts?

SavingPennies_2

He may be able to afford it and would rather pay for you to go for a meal/break/day out that stay at home and do nothing at all. If thats the case then that's his choice let him pay and enjoy yourself.

In return you can do some nice things for him that dont cost as much, cook a nice meal at home with candles, make a picnic and ornganise a day at the park etc.

In the mean time explain you don't have as much money as him and that you are organising a repayment plan (and do it!)

lostinrates

I think I would be more likely to lose interest in a partner who I thought had been 'head in the sand' about debt to keep face with me than I would someone who was making active and concerted effort to pay it off while remaining upbeat and imaginative about ways to spend time together without being 'on the back foot' because of finances.

SuzieSue

It would be best to be honest with him. If he leaves you because of it then he wasn't worth knowing in the first place.

If you aren't honest with him then he will think you have something to hide and won't be able to trust you in the future.

If you've only known him for a few months then there is no need to tell him everything about your financial situation but just enough for him to understand why you can't afford to do things at the moment.

Bolshie

Thanks for the advice folks.

Yes, I have negotiated payments plans with various lenders and after a few months I'll be back on my feet with some surplus income to use for other things (not debt!).

I suppose I'll just need to be honest and let him know the situation, if he's the kind of person I believe he is then he'll understand.


SavingPennies, I do try my best with this, cooking dinners, going for nice walks and going for runs int he car...so I hope he sees these gestures are my way of saying thank you.

Orlando_Virgin

Bolshie wrote: »

Thanks for the advice folks.

Yes, I have negotiated payments plans with various lenders and after a few months I'll be back on my feet with some surplus income to use for other things (not debt!).

I suppose I'll just need to be honest and let him know the situation, if he's the kind of person I believe he is then he'll understand.


SavingPennies, I do try my best with this, cooking dinners, going for nice walks and going for runs int he car...so I hope he sees these gestures are my way of saying thank you.

He'll definitely appreciate those gestures, I would love that! Good for you for tackling your debt. Some may disagree but I would argue he doesn't need the full picture just yet, just explain that you are tackling your debts head on and you will need some time to re-build your finances so anything too expensive is just not realistic for you at this time.

I would admire someone for saying that and appreciate they are trying to improve their situation. You might find he even starts to find more things for you to do that are less costly, and it might even bring you closer than before. Good luck x