MIL interfering and spending money (ours) for party

daisy_doughnut_2

wow 30 pounds a head is expencive make sure u also tell her that you will struggle to make up the rest to pay for her friends

filigree_2

I'm feeling evil and I know it won't help much, but you could try:

MIL "I've been to the pub and they're providing five kegs of beer"
Halia "Well I've already arranged for a delivery of real ale, but it's kind of you to pay for a few extra"

MIL "My posh mate is providing glasses"
Halia "Brilliant, that will save me the expense of buying plastic"

MIL "30 people you've never met might drop by"
Halia "I'm only making enough food for 40, perhaps you could lay on some Twiglets for the drop-in crowd"

etc etc

Being serious I think you all need an emergency meeting and not by email. It's supposed to be a celebration and you don't want bad feeling to spoil the big day. If she is going to invite loads of freeloaders and bump up the cost of the catering, I think you're perfectly entitled to demand that she makes up the difference in expenses.

It sounds like she's quite a domineering personality and if you don't tackle it early on she'll behave like this for ever more. You need to set some ground rules for who is in charge when a family event is organised or you'll be having this problem every time there's a Christmas/christening/wedding to organise. Been there, bought the T-shirt...

Doozergirl

What was organising the wedding like?!

I agree she's getting too involved, but she loves her son blah, blah

As far as I am concerned, our wedding anniversary is quite personal and solemn (in the true sense of the word). If I did invite people, it probably wouldn't be a mini wedding which this is turning out to be.

I'm not helping with that though, but in all honesty I'd just let her carry on, putting aside what she is providing to her budget and congratulate yourself that you don't have to pay for it! Once you've been through the wedding, you realise how trivial most of it is, why bother getting so stressed a second time around?

Don't sweat the small stuff!

changkra

brazilianwax wrote: »

Why don't you and your OH let her have her party, and you go away for a nice weekend together instead??

That might teach her.

i think thats a brilliant idea, leave her to it and sneak off with your son too.

ben500

Fvck the bad feeling! This is something you need to deal with now or for the rest of your relationship, pull your mil aside and let her know that you appreciate your other half comes with some "baggage" but that you don't take in the "Old" only the light.

Justie

I would phone her in tears (;)) and say you're really stressed with the whole thing, you'd planned a small party that you knew you could afford and now it's turned into a runaway train. It may be that she's lonely/bored and actually enjoying planning the event and would be quite happy to pay for the extras - in which case at least you can relax on that point. It's reached the point where you need to know where you stand on the finances and everything else will slot into place on the day. If tears aren't your thing I'd still phone her - emails are all very well but it's so easy to ignore things. You're not asking her to pay for the extra but you just need to be clear who is paying for it and does she realise that her extras have cost X amount more...

try to relax about it or you'll never enjoy the party.

Savvy_Sue

I agree you can't resolve this by email. do they live near enough that you and your DH can go and see her? A phone call is the next best thing, and maybe from DH would initially be best as long as he won't let her railroad him.

wendym

How about:

Delete all emails, read and unread. "Goodness knows what my computer is playing at!".

Write out the arrangements you want/are kind of OK with, then print and send as a letter. "I thought I'd just clarify what's going to be happening", accompanied by a phone call if you're feeling brave enough.

Been there, done that, got the WRONG SORT of T-shirt, whatever was I thinking buying that one, it makes me look fat and won't wash properly........

The thought of my MIL with access to email makes my blood run cold. I do feel for you.

halia

OKay I sent an email back - unfortunatly they don't live anywhere near close enough for a visit and any attempt at me talking to her on the phone ends up going even more badly wrong.
I'm trying to believe that she is (as someone suggested) a bit bored and that she is intending to pay for these extras / additional guests.

I'm still narked mind you - I wouldn't ever dream of inviting people to someone elses party - if they were relatives or friends of DH I wouldn't mind but its the people who neither of us knows at all that bug me. FWIW the wedding was very small (18 guests) and due to fmaily arguments only MIL and FIL attended from DH side of family - I had 6 family members.

But wedding was gorgoeus, I organised it all myself - didn't use any professionals except the chef at the hotel although I suggested menu options. Flowers bought in bulk and arranged, rooms and tables decoarted by me and two friends, invites were homemade, and it all went relaly smoothly and everyone enjoyed it.

This on the other hand is turning out to be a nightmare, I can't get my head around why she feels I am so incapable of organsing the damn thing myself?

As for the money - its £30 a head partly due to the extra food and beer she says we need. Problem is DH thinks its all fine and wants to pay for it all - *sighs*

I can't believe i agonised over spending £60 on a new outfit for it when MIL is committing us to organic, hand carved, herb crusted whole hams etc (ie expensive)
tbh right now i'll just be glad when its over with and I can start working on how to reduce the debt from it.

Obviuosly other people have different ideas to me about what is 'reasonable to spend'

emilyt

brazilianwax wrote: »

Why don't you and your OH let her have her party, and you go away for a nice weekend together instead??

That might teach her.

Exactly what i was thinking.