MIL interfering and spending money (ours) for party

halia

feeling really upset here, its two weeks to go to our anniversary do and things have been strained for a while with my MIL but this takes the cake.

The reason I'm posting here is not just to let off steam but also because i'm getting very concerend about the financial aspects to this. read through the stuff below but basiclaly I planned and budgeted for a low key party with a top limit of 40 people, because of variuos things MIL has suggested/done we're now doing far more food etc for 70 people! and possible paying of professionals for variuos services.

I've no idea how to manage this so that a) things go smoothly and b) so we dont' end up in debt because of costs MIL has committed us to.

Situation, we’re having the party at MIL/FIL place – they have a large garden and orchard we are using.
Our aim throughout has been to minimise hassle and create a friendly, relaxed, mini chill out festival type vibe.
So we were going for food on big trestle tables, hay bales to sit on, music, bit of dancing and red wine/beer.
I spend 4 years doing events as a large part of my job, plus 3 years doing food related events/workshops/tasting so I knew we/I could rustle up a picnicky type supper for guests given 2 days to work with on site and a bit of preordering.
No fancy food, no big cake my menu was cakes and tea in the afternoon, chicken and sardines grilled on BBQ with salads and potatoes in the evening.

I WAS looking forward to this and then things went form bad to worse;

Initially I set numbers at 40 but then DP said MIL wanted to invite others so numbers rose to 70 – of these I only know 15 people, the others I haven’t met. I kept asking for names and assumed these were relatives as we had said this would be a ‘family gathering’ to help our little boy get to know his whole family. And of these 70 about 30 are ‘just dropping in’ with no idea of times so I’m STILL not certain about who will be there when and for the meal or not.

I finally got names two days ago and half the people are random acquaintances from all over the place – MIL doesn’t even know some of their last names?!?

We described the meal etc and said it would be a simply picnicky/BBQ type supper
Before I knew it MIL had spoken to 3 acquaintances who are professional caterers and was emailing/ringing me with cross questions and saying my food was all wrong and it would cost a lot to cater for etc etc

Neither me or DP asked her to cater, or to buy anything but she has apparently (only just found this out) ordered several large quantities of food and booked a caterer to work on food for the day

I sent her a worked out menu (based on my experience) and carefully put next to items – I will buy/make or DP to buy/make – I just got an email back form her saying she’s gone and bought other stuff and overridden what I asked for

Every time I suggest anything she says its too much hassle but then she goes off and does things which are very expensive and difficult to manage.

For example – we said we would get real ale to serve, I found a good online site that could deliver it in nice sized ‘kegs’ to add to the festival/BBQ feel. They did my home beer – i.e. the local real ale were I grew up and I thought it would be really nice to have that there. Reasonable price as well.

Next thing I know FIL has (quoting her words) “had to have several meetings with the publican you know, and we’re having to put aside room in our garden to store the beer, and the beer will have to settle so we don’t’ think it will be drinkable anyway” – FIL egged on by MIL had gone down the road to their local pub and ordered large quantities (amount unknown) of beer (type unknown) at cost unknown.

This was the final straw today. Her reply to my email was a list of all the things that were wrong with my food AGAIN, plus a list of people who I don’t’ know who are apparently doing various thing s- and no indication of whether these are to be paid for or not.

This is a section of the email
My email:
Vegetarian option – mushroom parcel thingy from tesco as it’s a hassle to make and we only have 2 veggies.
Cups and plates: I will buy plastic ones in bulk from online supplier now I know numbers for the meal.

Her comments:
“many non veggies also enjoy them, I shall make them, I have the tins and don't like Tesco’s”
(she isn’t veggie to start with and both veggies have said to me personally that they DO like these pastry thingies, secondly we had discussed making the flans ourselves but she said it would be too much hassle and did we have any tins because she didn’t?!? – hence decision to buy, thirdly I don’t care if non veggies like them – this is the veggie option for those who have said they don’t’ eat chicken and we’re providing plenty of food for the meat eaters.)

“Y who is a professional caterer is supplying us with GLASS and china, I really don’t;’ think plastic is a good idea. The crocks and cutlery arrive Tuesday, all that tea (and coffee) will need cups and washing up....... don't remember discussing that.

(who is Y? full name was given btw but don’t’ know her, why not plastic – snooty cow, if she is professional caterer then do we have to pay for this?)
“All of the above has been e-mailed to you since the party was first mooted, I like to be organised well in advance. Years of practise catering for all eventualities, stroppy teenagers, bewildered parents, and those who want to help but need loads of showing how in words of one syllable.”
(no, nothing that was in her comments was emailed to me at any point – I double checked in case I was being stupid. If she liked to be organised well in advance how come she was still adding in additional invites this week? With two weeks to go?)

“now please read this. I get a very strong impression from your e-mails that you are not reading what I send. I won't let myself believe that you are just ignoring them, that would be rude”
??????!!!!!?????????

alwaysonthego_2

Poor you! The problem is because the venue is at your mil place she probably thinks she has a right to interfere.
It is a difficult one, you don't want to create hostility yet you can't let them walk all over you. I suggest you and dh get her and fil aside and explain that you simply cannot afford her suggestion.

p.s I think your idea sounds fab

daisy_doughnut_2

oh wow
firstly congrats on your anniversary
sounds like the interfering MIL
can you not email her againt and tell her how un happy this is making you as its not what you or your partner wanted
tell hertrhat you dont think you can stretch your budget to some of the suggestions or changes that she has made an that you really need to cancell change or compromise on it
or you will have to think about persponing unless she can foot the bill above your budget as most of it is all her ideas an wants not yours

cant you partner as its his mum have a word with her???

i wish you luck but remember at the nd of the day this is YOUR party an you should have it the way you want

if you cant sweet talk her then maybe just be blunt if you hurt her feelings then say sorry but in doing what you have done you hurt mine

DD x

Errata

She's a trout and a control freak !!! Let her order whatever she wants, she'll have to pay for it as you'll be going ahead with the catering arrangements you've decided on, won't you? What's your OH doing about this shambles? It's his ma, so should be his problem. Stick up for yourself, unless you want something from her now or in the future in which case grease around her and keep her happy.

halia

thanks all - I think I'm going to try and chill about it. If she's aranged for caterer or hire of stuff which I havn't ASKED FOR IN WRITING then she can pay for it.

I'll send an email saying this is what we've budgeted for and we don't need any outside help.

Still miffed about her inviting an additional 30 people - that bumps up even our basic bill by quite alot! Not alot I can do about that though as DH thinks its 'nice for her' to be able to invite her friends. (at a cost of about £30/head thats an additional £900 to be 'nice'?!?)

brazilianwax

Why don't you and your OH let her have her party, and you go away for a nice weekend together instead??

That might teach her.

Sagaris

I'm really annoyed on your behalf - poor you! Think I'd be tempted to tell her to shove 'her' party - but then you would miss out as well. And as for her inviting people to your do - that's just plain rude!
I'd nip it in the bud now, or it will be a taste of things to come! Have you had a word with your OH, to see what he says - perhaps he can win her round and have a do that is what you want - and which sounds really lovely, anyway!

pippamannequin

On your way to a mother in law from hell...been there done that..oops..havent seen her in 7 years now..karma!
Congrats on your anniversary, hold your own, try and be strong and sod the lot of them in my opinion and do what the hell it is you want YOUR WAY!
Good luck!

ailuro2

What's your OH half saying about the interfering/helpful old bat?



She may think she is being helpful of course, rather than seeing it as interefering.Just to play Devil's advocate:rolleyes:

Has she said she will pay for any of the xtras?

glenstan

Surely an annivesary is a celebration between you and your husband, the way you celebrate is between yourselves. Do something really meaningfull for each other. Is it a silver annivesary? I ask because out of the blue our daughters arranged and paid for a suprise trip to the Eden project for dh and myself. Annivesary not something they would usually intrude on, however they felt their parents silver wedding was a milestone, they wanted to make special and suprise both mum and dad.

seven-day-weekend

Oh, I would absolutely HATE that!

I would tell her that some of the things are not what you have budgeted for, or want, and therefore thay should be cancelled because you are not going to pay for them. Your husband should tell her this.

If she won't compromise, cancel the whole lot and have a weekend away with your husband.