Advice re. split from ex with 11 week old baby

tayforth

Person_one wrote: »

I too thought the inappropriate e-mail to an ex when she was 8 months pregnant was probably a far bigger issue than the Godparent one!

Exactly! That's why I asked what was in the email, seems a far more serious problem than the GP thing.

Mojisola

fluffnutter wrote: »

Perhaps, but I call my services mass too. It's a high Anglican term, not just a Roman Catholic one.

But that aside, my brother and his wife are Catholic and I don't recall them having difficulties with choosing how many godparents they wanted. I don't think it's the case that Rome necessarily dictates 'church law'

Canon Law 873 - There is to be only one male sponsor or one female sponsor or one of each.

https://www.vatican.va/archive/ENG1104/_P2Y.HTM

fawd1

Mojisola wrote: »

As there's a reference to not going to Mass, I assumed they were Roman Catholics. If so, the rules are laid down by Rome. Individual priests have to abide by the church laws.

But there's nothing in Catholic law that says you can't have more than 1 godparent. The only rule is that at least one godparent must be a catholic. I had one of each for my kids, but my brother had 2 godfathers and 2 godmothers for each child, christened within the catholic church.

fawd1

Mojisola wrote: »

Canon Law 873 - There is to be only one male sponsor or one female sponsor or one of each.

www.vatican.va/archive/ENG1104/_P2Y.HTM

but you've missed out the law previous to that which states, in so far as possible.

Like I said previously, my brother had 2 for each child. The only issue might arise with having more than 1 of each catholic godparents, but even then, having spoken to my priest when my children were christened even that wasn't an issue. Genuinly the only thing we were told was that at least 1 of the godparents had to be a baptised catholic.

Mojisola

fawd1 wrote: »

but you've missed out the law previous to that which states, in so far as possible.

Like I said previously, my brother had 2 for each child. The only issue might arise with having more than 1 of each catholic godparents, but even then, having spoken to my priest when my children were christened even that wasn't an issue. Genuinly the only thing we were told was that at least 1 of the godparents had to be a baptised catholic.

The "Insofar as possible" relates to the previous rule, not to the 873.

Can. 872 Insofar as possible, a person to be baptized is to be given a sponsor who assists an adult in Christian initiation or together with the parents presents an infant for baptism. A sponsor also helps the baptized person to lead a Christian life in keeping with baptism and to fulfill faithfully the obligations inherent in it.

Guest101

Right here goes.

Glossing over the issue of the email for the moment - as we dont know what was in the email, and you dont seem to have made it a big deal (which it could be, so by all means correct me).

These are the big issues with fathers and babies, i know because i've been there, exactly where you are but on the father's side.

For 9 months, you have been the centre of his world, you have also been the centre of yours and his family's world, also your and his friends world, in fact I very much doubt anyone in the last 9 months has at any point said, how you coping with this?

Becoming a father is a very distant process these days, nomially left out of discussions about stress, worries etc etc. And then carrying the burden of doubts/ being frightened, he is now responsible, for a little tiny person, literally for everything. (I'm presuming he's young and/or has no other children), that is a daunting thought. If no-one is giving advice to him, no-one looking to let him off the hook for a day and actually discuss things with him, it can really play on his mind. (im sorry but you dont count here, he cant be honest with you about this, everything is telling him to keep quiet to you about all of this, be strong, maintain calm demeanour).

So 9 months go by, you give birth to your son, he is genuinely (i'm assuming abit about his character here, but its a fair judgement if you two were together etc etc) the happiest man alive, trust me, he was. Now he wants to have a 'say' in things, probably stubborn (in fact almost defintely) but he has just put up with 9 months of basically being ignored by the world (again im not judging you, you were probably very loving etc etc, you just dont count in this case).

He want's to feel important again, and making decisions is one way of achieving this. It's not malicious, it's not to cause an argument or prove a point to you. its for his self confidence, for him to be a 'father', not just a sperm donor.

I know for a fact the first and last thing i wanted to do when my son was born was to hold him. I was absolutely and totally 1000% petrified at the idea, because i did not have the first clue what i was doing. Well 15 minutes later im holding him, no problems, and that fear is gone. It's all new, its all exciting and its all absolutely terrifying.

During your pregnancy he was no longer single, even if you had been together for 10 years, he could have still walked away, its a safety barrier, that disappeared very quickly.

The christening was him trying to be a father, the first act of a father in public, so forth. He wanted his way, and you wanted yours, do you think you were both stubborn?

Now then onto some of the issues closer to the present: the day out on the christening, probably a very impotant day for him, as it was for you. His reaction was wrong, as in turn was yours. He could've calmly explained that the day did not feel appropriate, and likewise you should have accepted his feelings.

As far as money goes, if that is the route you want to go down, do it amicably, because the CSA ruin lives as often as they help. Plus it leaves the door open for reconciliation, if that's what you both want. I'm sure he will offer a better amount then they would get for you too.

Do not 'let' him see his son, instead accept that he is going to be his father forever, and anything you do now to control that relationship will haunt you forever. Not every day, or everytime will be convenient, but you have to let hi build a relationship with the wee man.

My experience, after 2 weeks, me and my partner were fine again, just a stressful time for all concerned, and dealt with badly. Learn from my mistake.

Right now, all he wants is to be with you and your son and be a family, but it isn't that simple, wounds are raw and you will argue, until you both stop being stubborn, and that will happen.

(just a disclaimer, i know that pregnancy and motherhood are even more stressful than this, and thankfully there is a good support network in place for expectant mothers, this is jsut the view point of a father's perspective, based on my experiences, and whilst i do not know this chap, it sounds similar to my own)

coolcait

Skinto123 wrote: »

Also, how often should I let my ex see the baby?

Your son has a right to have a relationship with both his parents. How often will you let him see his father?

Skinto123 wrote: »

I came across an email to his ex which he sent when i was 8 months pregnant, and it was highly inappropriate in content.

In what way was it inappropriate?

His excuse - 'i think it would be inappropriate for us to go out for the day on which our son was to be christened'.

On the face of it, that's a fair point.

This sunday was to be our son's christening, but I had to cancel as we were not getting on,

No. You chose to cancel. Did you discuss it with your son's father first, or did you just go ahead and cancel?

and a christening is spose to be a happy family event.

From the religious point of view, that is not the main point of a baptism.

Our son will be christened, just not yet. So I have decided that counselling will not change the stubborn person that he is... he is not willing to try the way I am.

I wonder if he could write this:

"I have decided that counselling will not change the stubborn person that she is... she is not willing to try the way I am. "

Skinto123 wrote: »

See we had been having issues regarding the godparent too. I have two sisters and I always wanted my oldest sister to be godmother. But he wanted his niece (who, without sounding petty, did not even send us a card when our son was born).

It sounds petty.

I said why would we have his niece when I want my sister.

Why would you have your sister when he wanted his niece? S

He has no men on his side of family, well he has two nephews but said he wouldn't ask them.

Who was going to be godfather?

we could not have gone ahead with christening...

Yes, you could have.

i know he was annoyed that I went and cancelled it but I felt i had no choice.

Of course you had a choice. Of course he was annoyed.

Get your mind off the money, and take a look at how you might have contributed to destroying this relationship too.

I've obviously led a sheltered life, but this is the first time I've come across a baptismzilla.

Guest101

Coolcait i agree with what you've written, to think that compromise would have meant everyone ended happy

coolcait

fluffnutter wrote: »

Perhaps, but I call my services mass too. It's a high Anglican term, not just a Roman Catholic one.

But that aside, my brother and his wife are Catholic and I don't recall them having difficulties with choosing how many godparents they wanted. I don't think it's the case that Rome necessarily dictates 'church law' else why are condoms OK in some countries, yet not in others? Why is abortion legal in some countries yet not in others, etc. etc? Like everything, it's interpretative.

Anyway, we're getting a bit OT. Sorry, OP.

Rome dictates Catholic 'church law'. Under church law, artificial contraception, such as condoms, is not OK (with the exception of the pill 'loophole').

Countries create their own laws. If some ban the use of condoms, that because it's the law of the country. If they allow the use of condoms, that's because it's the law of the country. Seriously OT now - which countries ban the use of condoms?

Same with abortion. It's down to the individual county's law whether or not abortion is allowed.

It's not that Catholic church law is 'interpretative', it's the difference between church law and secular law.

Pixiechic

Could you clarify something? Did you want to choose the godparents yourself? You didn't want your OH's niece, which I'm not criticising but what input did he have or was allowed to have?

It doesn't seem that you have been all that willing to compromise either, unless I have read some things wrong.

Did you discuss cancelling the christening with your OH or did you just go ahead and cancel?

I don't think that I would be able to enjoy a day out on the day that was intended to be the christening that was cancelled due to a big row.

Also, your OH seeing his child is totally seperate to him wanting/not wanting to discuss your relationship.