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Advice re. split from ex with 11 week old baby

Hi all

Just would like a little advice. My ex and I were engaged to be married. Unfortunately it has all ended, his obsession with money and him treating me like a tenant in his house as opposed to a wife to be has been a contributing factor.

I would like a little advice as to how much maintenance he should pay? he earns around £500 per week after tax. Myself and our baby are currently back living with my mum.

Also, how often should I let my ex see the baby? i would like this to be amicable, but of course he has a real attitude about it, insisting he sees our son and he is not making any efforts to resolve our relationship. It is very hard.

I hope someone can advise on this, not sure where else to turn to.

Thanks
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Comments

  • marisco_2
    marisco_2 Posts: 4,261 Forumite
    I am a bit confused as to where you relationship is at. Has it ended or do you want your fiance to resolve the problems within it with you and get it back on track?
    The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own, no apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.
  • Skinto123
    Skinto123 Posts: 20 Forumite
    Well we started to go to counselling as deep down we both want to resolve this... we have been having communication issues, plus I came across an email to his ex which he sent when i was 8 months pregnant, and it was highly inappropriate in content. So this started our row and one thing lead to another, I moved back with my mum. But we were both going to try. THen yesterday I suggested that all 3 of us go out for the day on sunday (to try to build bridges). He refused. His excuse - 'i think it would be inappropriate for us to go out for the day on which our son was to be christened'. This sunday was to be our son's christening, but I had to cancel as we were not getting on, and a christening is spose to be a happy family event. Our son will be christened, just not yet. So I have decided that counselling will not change the stubborn person that he is... he is not willing to try the way I am. That was the most ridiculous excuse, considering he does not go to mass etc. he is just being stubborn. I think splitting is defo for the best, tho my heart is breaking as our son is so young. But I know he is going to have to spend time with him and spend money on him too.... just wondering how much is the norm?
  • silvercar
    silvercar Posts: 48,083 Ambassador
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Academoney Grad Name Dropper
    His excuse - 'i think it would be inappropriate for us to go out for the day on which our son was to be christened'.

    Maybe he was all churned up that you (alone) had made the decision to cancel the christening. To suggest a day out was rubbing salt in the would.

    I would encourage him to spend time with his son. What ever issues you have, you have no right to make things difficult for him to be a good father.

    As for money CSA guidance would be 10% of net pay, paid to you, for you to provide for your son. That includes providing a home. If you are not working at the moment, you may be eligible for benefits as a single mum.
    I'm a Forum Ambassador on the housing, mortgages, student & coronavirus Boards, money saving boards. I volunteer to help get your forum questions answered and keep the forum running smoothly. Forum Ambassadors are not moderators and don't read every post. If you spot an illegal or inappropriate post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com (it's not part of my role to deal with this). Any views are mine and not the official line of MoneySavingExpert.com.
  • Skinto123
    Skinto123 Posts: 20 Forumite
    See we had been having issues regarding the godparent too. I have two sisters and I always wanted my oldest sister to be godmother. But he wanted his niece (who, without sounding petty, did not even send us a card when our son was born). I said why would we have his niece when I want my sister. He has no men on his side of family, well he has two nephews but said he wouldn't ask them. Our church does not allow two godmothers. So we were having major godparent issues too.... we could not have gone ahead with christening... i know he was annoyed that I went and cancelled it but I felt i had no choice.

    Do I need to contact CSA then? Also, I am on maternity leave, due to return to work in january, so do you think I would still be entitled to benefits even though I am receiving maternity pay?
  • marisco_2
    marisco_2 Posts: 4,261 Forumite
    Skinto123 wrote: »
    I think splitting is defo for the best, tho my heart is breaking as our son is so young. But I know he is going to have to spend time with him and spend money on him too.... just wondering how much is the norm?

    It is clearly very hard for you to come to terms with the fact that your relationship has broken down. It is always harder to face this when young children are involved too.

    Yourself and your partner are going to go from being a couple, to having a different relationship whereby you are working together to raise a child between you. It takes a lot of hard work, a willingness to compromise and commitment to meeting the needs of the child from both parties to pull this off successfully. Lots of open and honest communication is required. That way the impact on your child from you two splitting up will be greatly minimalized, which I am sure you would both want to be the case.

    I would urge you to keep things as amicable as possible. Your partner may well be panicking at the moment, about how often he will see his son and feel concerned about there being any limited access. As a parent that worry is understandable. If he can be reassured that contact with your child will be regular and he has nothing to fear, then he may calm right down. In turn he could then become far more approachable and reasonable when discussing important issues with you about how you all move forward from this point.

    If you can sort out maintenance payment arrangements between the two of you, I think long term that would be far better. Involving the CSA often causes upset and discord and they are far from being very helpful or efficient. However if you went onto their website it would give you a clear indication of what you should be receiving in support from your ex. I wish you well and hope you can come through this upsetting time okay.
    The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own, no apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.
  • NYGiants
    NYGiants Posts: 545 Forumite
    The starting point for maintenance from the CSA is 15% of net pay (assuming that he isn't paying for another child in a previous relationship etc..)

    If he earns around £500 after tax then hh should be paying you around £75 per week (assuming that the £500 is all taxable - you only pay maintenance on the taxable element of your wage)
    "The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other people's money"
  • Mrs_Imp
    Mrs_Imp Posts: 1,001 Forumite
    Skinto123 wrote: »
    Our church does not allow two godmothers. So we were having major godparent issues too.... we could not have gone ahead with christening... i know he was annoyed that I went and cancelled it but I felt i had no choice.

    That's easy to resolve. Find a church that will let you have 2. My son has 2 godmothers and 1 godfather.
  • paulineb_2
    paulineb_2 Posts: 6,489 Forumite
    Skinto123 wrote: »
    Well we started to go to counselling as deep down we both want to resolve this... we have been having communication issues, plus I came across an email to his ex which he sent when i was 8 months pregnant, and it was highly inappropriate in content. So this started our row and one thing lead to another, I moved back with my mum. But we were both going to try. THen yesterday I suggested that all 3 of us go out for the day on sunday (to try to build bridges). He refused. His excuse - 'i think it would be inappropriate for us to go out for the day on which our son was to be christened'. This sunday was to be our son's christening, but I had to cancel as we were not getting on, and a christening is spose to be a happy family event. Our son will be christened, just not yet. So I have decided that counselling will not change the stubborn person that he is... he is not willing to try the way I am. That was the most ridiculous excuse, considering he does not go to mass etc. he is just being stubborn. I think splitting is defo for the best, tho my heart is breaking as our son is so young. But I know he is going to have to spend time with him and spend money on him too.... just wondering how much is the norm?


    Ok deep down you both want to resolve this, yet you are saying its over.

    Seriously, part of the reason you are splitting is because you couldnt agree on godparents for a christening?

    My god, you'll probably have 1000 times bigger things to worry and get upset about over the course of a long marriage.

    And your baby is 11 weeks old? Im not suggesting for a single minute that you stay with this person if hes not making you happy, but if there is any love for one another, then I think you should try and move forwards from the he isnt doing this and I dont like this about this, both of you.

    You have a child to consider here and also pregnancy obviously takes its toll on women, it can take a year for the hormones to settle back down after you have given birth, its a massive shock to the system.

    Im not sure that right now is the right time to be making such a massive decision when you've just had a baby.

    Some people are stubborn, but they also have good qualities as well and there must have been some for you to consider marrying this person and having a child.

    However if you are certain it is over, then all I would say is, try and put your differences aside for the child, they are the most important person in this entire issue.
  • tayforth
    tayforth Posts: 1,884 Forumite
    What was in the email to his ex?
    Life is a gift... and I intend to make the most of mine :A

    Never regret something that once made you smile :A
  • fluffnutter
    fluffnutter Posts: 23,179 Forumite
    Skinto123 wrote: »
    Our church does not allow two godmothers.

    I know this isn't the issue but your church sounds intractable and unhelpful. I'm having my son baptised at the end of this month and he's not having any godparents. This is perfectly acceptable. I could have chosen none, or 56. Our choice entirely, although 56 might have meant it was a bit crowded round the font :D

    Seriously, what church dictates this sort of thing??
    "Growth for growth's sake is the ideology of the cancer cell" - Edward Abbey.
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