feel like i need the world to stop turning

Loulou2010

i'm not really after advice or sympathy. just need space to put some thoughts. and the feeling that someone is listening.

i'm lou and im 31. i have to boys aged 4yrs and 7months. i'm currently seperated from my husband. mainly down to the anxiety i had after the youngest and intereference from his mother. she doesnt like me and no one is ever going to be good enough for her precious son. even though she hasnt brought him up (nan and granddad did). i suffer with clinical depression, PTSD and also have Aspergers. i have a history of alcohol abuse, self harming and eating disorders.

going to try and keep this short. i suffered abuse from my stepfather from about the age of my oldest boy until about 18. this was kept secret (well in the family) until a few yrs ago. he was an alcoholic.

my mother had mental health problems and was a binge drinker. she was labelled with bipolar but i think it was more narcissitic personaility...

my brother and sister led fairly normal (as could be) lives. i was the youngest and took the brunt of it from out parents. i also happen to deaf which i think made them hate me more.

i left home at 16 and went from one abusive home to another. the boyf was a drug addict and handy with his fists. my hustbnad (now) was just a friend at the time and got me out of that relationship. in time we fell in love. he never knew the true extend of the abuse suffered with the parents. he believed it was just beatings and not sexual. i wished that was the case so much, i led him to believe it was just beatings.

we got married and had our first child. things fell apart drastically. it was a trigger for all the abuse that i had buried and it all came flooding back. nightmares. flashbacks. panic attacks. i bureid myself in drink. walked away from them. left my husband to bring our boy up. self harmed. starved myself. several attempts to OD. eventually ended up under the mental health team who seem to let me down time and time again. to get anything out of them is a constant battle. cbt didnt work. stays in hospital and therapy didnt work. counselling didnt work.

things just went on and seemed to get easier. i stopped drinking. i got more support from friends (on here and one in real life) and my husband. i just plodded on i guess.

after several miscarriages i had my now 7month old but suffered with anxiety afterwards. i wouldnt let my husband help at all. i didnt sleep in case something happened to my baby. my husband left when baby was 3months old. he is still supportive and is currently paying for me to see a counsellor (which i dont feel is working).

i have left loads of infromation out because there is so much cRap that has happened in my life. i feel i am constantly relieving it. i get on an even par and then get knocked down again. i love my boys but feel i am ruining their lives. my 4 yr olds behaviour is horrendous at the moment because of our relationship. i cant get him the attention he wants.

i am just stuck of living life like this. its easy for everyone to sit here and say stick with the counselling, things will get better, ask for more help but noone sees how tired i am of this. yesterday i drunk myself silly because i didnt want to feel anything. i wanted to be numb. i have self harmed and starved myself again because they feel familar and safe. im struggling to change things and tbh i dont see what the point is anymore. why build myself up just to be knocked down again.

i just feel like someone needs to take my boys away and leave me rot in a hole somewhere. but what will is in just over half an hour i will have to put my shoes on and go off and pick the eldest up from nursery and then pretend everything is fine. right now i want it all to stop. i want him to stay at nursery and want the youngest to stay asleep. just want the world around me to stop

torbrex

Hi Lou
Sorry to hear that you are still so low, I have often thought about you and wondered how you were coping.
I won't try to talk you out of anything, just to let you know that I hear you.

Orlando_Virgin

Whenever I think my life is tough, I need to read something like this. I wouldn't possibly know where to start in advising you anyway but I hope you're ok xx

harrys_nan

Oh sweetheart,
Please please go and see the doctor and tell him everything you have said on here, Life can be truly awful sometimes and you deserve a good future as do your children but with you, nothing will ever be better for your kids than you.
You are probally at your lowest right now so things can get better, but you do need some help.
Phone and speak to the samaritans, they are very good people to speak to and go and see the doctor, asap
Sending you lots of ((((((hugs ))))) and good thoughts
xxx

Bitsy_Beans

Lou since you've heard much from me already I shall keep it brief.
Counselling is not a quick fix. 3 sessions isn't suddenly going to have you feeling on top of the world. It's a long term thing. You didn't get this way overnight and you're not going unpick some very complex emotions and issues in 3 sessions.
You have got to remember the AS side of you is going to resist change, even if that change is good for you.

So yeah I am asking you to hang in there xx

Gigglepig

It sounds like tou have a lot on your plate. Is it a possibility that the children stay with their dad, with regular visits to you? Or 50-50? May give you some more time to focus on yourself and to try to heal.

Please ask your GP for help. Just because one counsellor did not seem to help, does not mean it will never help. It may take some time and you may need to try many different things. But you have had a lot to deal with so there is a lot to untangle.

When you are ready, perhaps it may also lift a weight off your shoulders to tell you ex about what really happened. It must be absolutely infuriating and devastatingly sad that your family let you down and covered up the abuse, instead of protecting you.

heartbreak_star

Please go and see your doctor, OP. You need some professional help with getting through all this.

Lots of love and hugs.

HBS x

BJV

No-one can know how it feels to be you. The conditions that you have are not going to make it any easier too.

But before you do anything you need to get help. The fact that you took the time to write it down means that you know that you need help.

So please contact someone, anyone, your doctor, a friend. I know that it is easy for me to say as it it not me going through this but you have to do something not only for you but for the children as well.

Children are very clever and they see things that you think they don't and they do not want to see mummy unhappy.

Please go see someone. I know someone who had a terrible upbringing not too different from yours and it takes years. The counselling takes years and the problems do not go away you just become stronger and able to cope better.

Just think of your children and talk to someone. Please! Then in years from now you will look back and think what an achievement, what a difference.

365days

Is there anyway you can get a break and 'stop the world'.

Would hubby move into your house and take over for a week while you escape somewhere?

I know a week isn't going to cut it but with such small children it must be impossible for you to get quality time to stop, think, regroup, plan, relax ...... all that.

In the depths of my depression I sent my son away for a week (to his Nan's). It was probably the least selfish thing I ever did.

Be very, very gentle with yourself.

redruby

Oh Lou Love I wish with all my heart that I could do something to help you, please carry on with the counselling sessions, its early days yet, and yes I agree that your hubbie could take the children for a while to give you a break.

Sending lots of love hun xx

Molly41

Lou - so sorry - I did not realise that you were separated from kid's dad. I have been through a period of separation with my husband and we did work it out together and it became better.

Life with a baby is a roller coaster on its own so be very kind to yourself as you are a great Mum.

I have been having counselling for nearly two years and am only just beginning to come to terms with the stuff that happened when I was a child and it's implications. It will get better - but you have to invest the time and energy - you are worth that time and energy xx
Why would you expect things to change so quickly when you have lived with these issues for all of your adult life - in my case nearly 30 years!!!