Advice

superpennycounter

Hi Guys

I need some advice. I have been with my OH for 13 years, married for 7 years. Thing is I really don't like my husband but I do love him - does that make sense.

I am a very relaxed, positive person, takes a lot to get me angry and just like to go with the flow but I am not a push over. However OH is constantly blowing up over the stupidest of things and it really upsets me to the point of causing me to vomit. When I am stressed my stomach turns hence throwing up or having to run very quickly to the bathroom. I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells.

We had a big blow up just after Christmas - we were going to his parents and he was basically driving like a complete idiot and had scared me. I managed to hold it in until we arrived at his parents and let rip - I basically told him that I was very close to getting a taxi to the station and going home and when he got there I and the cats (they are my babies as I can't have children) would be gone. He got very upset and said he was sorry. But the thing is it keeps happening. I would point out he has never ever been violent towards me - it would be the last thing he ever did if he was.

I am just so tired of it all and don't have the energy to carry on. I feel like he is sucking the lifeforce out of me. Thing is I am worried that if I leave him, would he be alright? I know that sounds silly but I do care about him. In fact I am crying whilst I am writing this. I am lucky in the fact that if I need to I can move home to my parents (even though I'm 37). It just feels all so complicated.

I know that no one can make this decision for me but I just needed to talk to someone

Thanks for listening. x

tayforth

Read the first few posts... is this similar to you and your OH?

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4538789

xx

victory

Are you scared of him?

Dogger69

Have you tried talking to him about it?

valk_scot

Does he know you do this? Have you discussed it with him? It sounds like one of these automatic fight-or-flight responses that has got out of control tbh, you might find some CBH or hypnosis helps with turning off the association.

AS WELL as him toning things down, of course, it's ridiculous that anyone should be yelling loud enough to scare another person into vomiting, even if it isn't directed at you. If he knows but isn't doing anything to help, I would say that you've got every right to get utterly peed off about it. Though perhaps leaving him and going home to your parents is more of a last resort than a first one. Make a real effort to talk to him about it.

(The nasty side of me also thinks you should puke over him next time rather than running genteely off to the bathroom to do it, but I'm not the subtle type tbh.)

superpennycounter

victory wrote: »

Are you scared of him?

No, definitely not. He is all bluster and noise. He has never threatened me and I feel safe with him. I know everyone is probably thinking that I am delusional but I have never been scared of him.

superpennycounter

tayforth wrote: »

Read the first few posts... is this similar to you and your OH?

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4538789

xx

Hey Tayforth - I have been following your thread - you have come so far it is amazing, a real inspiration.

I read the 10 points as well and they don't apply to him - he is very caring and loving. I think he just needs to learn to chill out more.

superpennycounter

valk_scot wrote: »

Does he know you do this? Have you discussed it with him? It sounds like one of these automatic fight-or-flight responses that has got out of control tbh, you might find some CBH or hypnosis helps with turning off the association.

AS WELL as him toning things down, of course, it's ridiculous that anyone should be yelling loud enough to scare another person into vomiting, even if it isn't directed at you. If he knows but isn't doing anything to help, I would say that you've got every right to get utterly peed off about it. Though perhaps leaving him and going home to your parents is more of a last resort than a first one. Make a real effort to talk to him about it.

Perhaps I need to remind him how much it upsets me. I think it is a case of fight/flight.

valk_scot wrote: »

(The nasty side of me also thinks you should puke over him next time rather than running genteely off to the bathroom to do it, but I'm not the subtle type tbh.)

This made me laugh out loud.


It doesn't happen every day or week - just every so often - I just don't understand why he gets so annoyed/angry/upset over things - they aren't even important things.

tayforth

superpennycounter wrote: »

Hey Tayforth - I have been following your thread - you have come so far it is amazing, a real inspiration.

I read the 10 points as well and they don't apply to him - he is very caring and loving. I think he just needs to learn to chill out more.

OK. It's just that some of what you said rang a loud bell with me.

Re the 10 signs of a sociopath, that's extreme behaviour IMHO. Your OH may not be that bad, but he is being absolutely horrid to you. The dangerous driving must have been particularly scary.

I'm sorry that he upsets you to the extent that you throw up.

Thank you for the kind words btw xxx

fluffnutter

Why did you marry him? Has he always been like this?

marisco_2

I would suggest sitting down and having a frank and open discusion with your husband. Explain to him how his outbursts are making you feel. It is not good to be so on edge around someone, that you end up walking on eggshells and vomiting. Hopefully he loves, values and respects you enough to take on board how his actions are adversely effecting you and will make a concerted effort to calm down.