Some days I feel enormously broody...

kloana

...and then, within minutes, I think "oh hell no!".

No to the pain and changes in my body, no to the nappies/sick/sleepless nights, no to the (possible) career disruptions, no to the financial constraints, etc.

I know that the above probably sounds like an immature and uninformed assessment of the complete picture of motherhood/parenthood (and to some extent, it is).

But I'm 28, and reaching that point where I'll have to decide one way or another whether I'd like to have child(ren). Although I personally have a few more baby-making years left in me, my (long-term, stable) partner is aged 40.

He'd have more children in a heartbeat (he has a young-adult son). But he was 22 when his son was born, he was full of life, and his parents were still alive. Although he was fully involved in his son's early years upbringing (he didn't split from his son's mother until son was approaching his teens), it's a different story when you're quite a bit older and are now an 'orphan'. Not that we'd expect his now late parents to have been relied upon, no way at all, but it's still a massive change, as far as I can see. This is just my perception anyway - my own mum is alive and kicking. My dad has been absent since day one, but my much-loved stepdad is still very much present. Perhaps in my own mind, I'm making too much of an issue of OH's lack of parents.

The answer, for me, is currently 'no' overall, and it has been since a very young age. But these last 5 years or so, unexpected 'yeses' have been creeping into my thoughts. And they're getting more frequent, and more insistent.

How do you know when it's 'right'?

a51_ufo

I can't offer any advice but I know exactly how you feel ... I go from yes to hell no a lot! I'm 29, in a long term relationship (12years!) and we are doing well financially. I also worry we need to make a decision soon ...

mrcow

Well it's not a decision for you on your own.

The way you make the decision is to speak with your partner and agree on what it is you both want.

ineed

I've never had a desire to have children myself (I'm 25, luckily my long term partner feels the same), but I think it's natural for some to get the desires every now and then. You've got time yet, I've heard you just know when it's right for you. My OH sister didn't have children until she was in her thirties.

kloana

mrcow wrote: »

Well it's not a decision for you on your own.

The way you make the decision is to speak with your partner and agree on what it is you both want.

He wants (the reservations I have above are mine, not his, and he thinks I'm daft). However, he doesn't 'want' to the point where it'd be a condition of us staying together (not that I'd tolerate that, of course!).

mrcow

kloana wrote: »

He wants (the reservations I have above are mine, not his, and he thinks I'm daft). However, he doesn't 'want' to the point where it'd be a condition of us staying together (not that I'd tolerate that, of course!).

Talk to him about the logistics of it if that's what worrying you.


I have three of my own (would have been five but we lost two pregnancies). I would love to have more and get very broody but there are complications in place. I've had to come to that whole "there aren't going to be any more babies" reality myself and have found the broodiness very hard at times.

Speaking with my partner about it has really helped though (even though I sometimes think men don't really "get it") as it's helped to clarify my feelings on it.

One thing that did really help is that I set myself a date to have the "conversation". We agreed that we'd discuss it properly in the new year after several months had passed to give us time to think about how we really felt about it. That way, I took the pressure of the decision away and actually, by the time New Year rolled around, I was much clearer about what I wanted.

(Does that make ANY sense at all?!)

balletshoes

when i was 28 i felt the same way OP.
I was 32 when I became pregnant (one month after deciding we'd go for it), 33 when my DD was born. I never was especially broody, either before she was born, or afterwards. Its life-changing, becoming a mum. No doubt about it .

You don't have to decide now.

eta - one set of grandparents around (plus extended family like cousins etc) are great, and much more than some kids get the benefit of these days.

mrcow

And PS. My first was born when I was 28. You're still a young-un!

anderson8

The way I would look at it is, if I'm having these feelings of broodiness now what will I feel like in 5 years.
If there's a niggle now, do you feel that if you don't have kids that you will regret it?

lilymay1

Just don't wait 10 years and then decide you want children. Having a 50 year old parent is neither fun nor fair - I speak from experience. Also don't assume it'll happen immediately. Fertility problems haunt young and old.

You might end up waiting a long time if you wait for 'the right time' but from what you've said, you have more reasons not to have a family than to have one. Your feelings change when you're pregnant and then give birth but I know atleast 1 parent who had a baby at 33 because she felt her time was running out, then put him in nursery 5 days a week at 6 weeks old because she wanted (not needed) to go back to work. I would have said she wasn't quite ready for the sacrifices of parenthood.

Lola888

I had my first when I was 31 and I'm now pregnant with my second I will be 32. So you still have a bit of time, but like other posters have said don't wait too long. My uncle and aunt didn't meet until they were in their late 30's and have been trying for the last 6-7 yrs, she can get pregnant just can't carry to term she has experienced numerous miscarriages and I think she has given up now so think long and hard because if the choice is taken away from you it is heartbreaking.