I dont want to feel sad anymore!

Cookiecat_2

I just wanted to say hello! I have been reading all your inspirational stories for such a long time now, these have given me such comfort, and courage to keep going down the long, long road of debt repayment. I have weekly ups and downs, and feel my whole personality has changed some for the better, some for worse. I feel at best as if I am coping, existing, and having a little taste of life here and there, at worst i feel a total voyeur of other peoples life, as if i don't deserve to have fun or be happy, fulfilled, or self actualizing. I often think life is for other people who have not made so many mistakes as me.

To be honest I no longer think i am depressed, I have been in that horrible place, and never ever want to return there. However I do feel stressed a lot of the time, and find my mood is often flat, not up or down, if that makes sense.

Our story began a long time ago. I had a nice life, did fun things, and loved to study. I did two degrees over 7 years, and racked up a lot of student debt. Somehow from a very early age living in debt became normal, and so it went on. I never seemed to feel i was being extravagant, I never went on exotic holidays, always camping and fun down to earth stuff with friends. However I was never able to budget properly and only ever seemed to stop spending when i hit my card or OD limit. Over the years debt was paid off, usually with a loan or a re mortgage or something big. However quickly debt would escalate again. Our current debt came about after we scrapped our way into a bigger family home from our very small flat in 2006. We thought we would buy somewhere bigger (relatively speaking), and found our current house run down (so a better price than many), but by the sea, and town, and near lovely schools. So we went for it. I think my husband and i were suffering from delusions of grandeur, and thought we were on grand designs! We had to have everything done from central heating, to the wiring to the drains. Luckily insurance covered part of a new kitchen after we discovered a hideous leak which had clearly been leaking for years. However halfway through our makeover recession hit, and our 0% cards started asking for more and more interest. We got to a point where we were only paying the minimum to stand still! To make matters worse i was on maternity leave, and my husband thought it was a good time to retrain for a more vocational job. I believe in 2007 we took home £11,000 between us!!! We did have a large pay out of tax credits, but that was the start of our current fall from grace.

My husband was never able to move to his dream job as recession hit, and we could not afford for him to give up his hospital bank job, which he loathes. He works 5 nights a week, and has done now for 5 years (boy does that take a toll on a marriage) I work days, and we both work for the NHS, so no pay rise for us, and all the while more and more bills.

Eventually after I melted down completely with the stress and fear of our debt situation, and had some time off sick from work I was able to slowly start to make a plan. My sister (who i finally confessed too) put us in touch with CAP two years ago. It was what we needed. However whilst it seemed as if one weight lifted off, as in we now had a plan, and support, another weight seemed to come down ie day to day living on an extremely low budget for a family of four. Rather bizarly our budget left us with considerably less income than I was ever used to managing on as i guess we had been using our credit so liberally. On the day the cards were destroyed two years ago we owed £55,000, and had another £209,000 on our interest only mortgage, we still had £15,000 of credit at our disposal at that time, so we had never really 'gone without'. It was horrifying.

I felt like a baby learning how to budget for the first time in my life at the age of 44.

CAP have been great, but are firm taskmasters. They I think would have liked us to do an IVA, but I have strongly resisted this path. I feel as if I borrowed the cash, and will (hopefully without interest) pay all and every penny back. We have just had another financial review, and at present we owe circa £50,000 (it took a while and up to 30 phonecalls a day which we ignored from the creditors for them to stop the interest)

At present we have 7 years still in front of us. We have only done 2. Life feels so hard sometimes, I don't know how we will get through it. Reading these boards has been my comfort. This is the first time I have ever writen this all down, I would be so glad to share ideas with you all, and to not feel so very alone. Thanks for listening. C

whitewing

Hello cc,

I enjoyed your introduction, although not your circumstance, iykwim.

Are you in your forever home then? Just ruling out a move to somewhere cheaper?...

Cookiecat_2

Hi whitewing

Yes I guess we hope we are in our forever home, although sometimes I hardly dare hope, and think it could be a just for now home, as we might have to one day let it go. In the old and carefree days, we used to think we might have one more move left in us to a bigger family home with a proper garden. Right now that is a pipe dream, and realistically will never happen. If we sold up tomorrow we would cover the mortgage, and costs, but would only have a little equity, maybe £10,000? If we were to rent in our area we would most likely pay more for a smaller property. So although we are on interest only, it would seem that this is for now our best option, renting our own house so to speak. I hope we can continue to stay here at least until the children have left home, they are only 5 and 9 right now. After that who knows? C

dedoledo

good on you, it seems like eternity, but hope you last the course

Cookiecat_2

Hi Dedoledo

The intention is definitely to last the course, but I still want to have a fun and interesting life along the way, I wonder if it can be done? I guess so, but i am still working on that conundrum. No conclusions as yet.

My sister in law who knows about our debt, but I don't think really understands or appreciates what it is like living with it, told me in a rather throw away comment 'oh well its only for another 7 years' as if to say that's no bother at all. (She is not working due to my brother being in a lovely very well paid job, I sometimes think she has lost touch with the real world!! ) I felt initially very upset by this, as i felt it demonstrated a distinct lack of empathy on her part, particularly as i had just tried to sell her some lovely baby clothes which i offered her first choice before i ebayed them, and she took all the best ones and only gave me £10!! (I did tell her i was trying to raise money for the children's new school shoes, £10 will barely scratch the surface!).

However on reflection I thought maybe she has a point, I guess its not forever, and maybe there are life lessons to be learned which will make me a better person along the way. I hope so. C

angelpye

Didn't want to read and run. For me it's going to take 24 months of pain to repay what I owe and although I definately have down slumps and feelings of letting my kids down I try to see this as retraining time, again (yup, I had a relapse)!
I know that I have got into some seriously bad habits and ok my debt isn't more than my yearly income, just, but I was still trying to live just that bit over my means. Some of my debt was accrued on break up of relationship overspending but also meeting needs, but some was just poor judgement. Last time I had to pay off debt I did learn from it, values around money changed and also values around what is important to me. This time I am trying to understand my issues around emotional spending and needing certain things around me like enough food to feed us for a month at any one time.

I don't know if that helps, certainly not meant to be patronising or flippant (it's late so my tone in writing can be lost and apologies if so) but you seem to be doing well and to be going through similar emotional cycles to me. I too am around others who don't count the pounds never mind the pennies and it can get quite lonely - that's why I hang out here

wannabee_in_credit

Hi CC
I'm just over 3 years into my DFW journey, with another 2 years in front of me. Our debt came about as a combination of debt from my student days, maternity leave and my husband having an extended period of sick leave from work.
When I originally admitted defeat and contacted Stepchange I was given a DFD of just over 7 years. I've been able to take time off this during my DMP thanks to a couple of payrises and changes in childcare costs (I work for the government too so am now on a pay freeze and my husband hasn't had a pay rise in 7 years - now almost working minimum wage). Your circumstances may improve and you may find that you are able to reduce your 7 years.
I don't think that people who are not in debt (or not dealing with it) fully understand how hard it is, budgeting and making every last penny count. I was saying to my sister a few weeks ago that I really wished I could get an ipad, and she just came out with 'I have an ipad'. They have a combined income of less than £15000 a year - so I have no idea how she can afford it. But as my mother says, if you're not in debt then you can afford to do things like that.
7 years feels like for ever. It did when I started my dmp - but I am now over half way, and am starting to see hope in the not too distant future. And looking forward to the day I can start putting the extra money into things like holiday funds/home improvements/mortgage overpayments instead of someone elses pocket, paying for mistakes I made between 5 and 20 years ago.
This site is a godsend, and the number of gifts I buy using vouchers/from ebay etc is amazing. Helps me to treat myself and others at a rate I can afford.
I wish you lots of luck - keep posting on here. It will really help to get you through. :T

gallygirl

On a practical note, can I suggest you have a look on the Up Your Income board, you could do some mystery shopping to bring in some extra cash? Sign up for survey sites and Consumer Pulse - the odd voucher makes a nice treat. Also try the Freebie board and Low Spend board. The Grabbit board has great deals and look for magazine subscriptions for a treat, often with a free gift (remember to go through a cashback site if possible - will often work out cash neutral - and cancel the DD after the 1st payment). You live by the sea so make the most of it with picnics etc.

On a less practical note, the only advice I can see is to try to change your mindset. You are obviously stubborn and determined (I mean that as a compliment :rotfl:) as you're choosing to go down this route rather than an IVA, so you need to see it as being in control. YOU have chosen your path and that is empowering :T. Every month is a step towards freedom :j. Yes, 7 years is a long time, but do you know what? It's going to pass anyway, regardless of whether you spend it paying off debt or finding a way to get more credit and ending up in a worse position than you are now.

Try to visualise 7 years from now. You log onto your on-line banking and see the final payment has gone out. How will you feel? What will you say? How will you celebrate? What will your plans be for the house? Stop reading now, sit for a minute and picture how good it will feel . Now picture how you will feel if you let things slip. Picture the hell of the phonecalls starting again etc. Which route are you going to choose?

Chin up .

jo91

gallygirl, what a brilliant, positive and supportive post. Excellent suggestions and a terrific image for the op to focus on to help her through her tough times. You star !
All the very best op, you are most definitely not alone.
x

Bevan12

Just joined this forum and your situation is virtually identical to ours...
Don't be hard on yourself; remember there has been a whole multi billion pound industry placing little messages in your head saying 'you need this, you can afford this, you can have it now etc'.

Even the last government (I don't vote for any of the main 3) was trying to get us to spend more at one time!

As a result there are thousands of us.

We've just had our genuine light bulb moment. I say genuine because we have been in this situation before but just made the mistake of re mortgage and debt consolidation and as a result did not address the real problems.

Like you I would never have considered our life extravagant but its all relative at the end of the day and if the money is spent on 'liabilities' and not 'assets' then depreciation and interest will always win in the end...

Our wake up moment came when we almost sold our house to deal with our debts but we have now chosen another road; total strict budget.

Like you it will take us years but I think it will get easier as we will get used to how it used to be for us when we were just starting out....before we became eligible for credit.

I wish you the best of luck and like others have said, keep visualising that day when the debts have gone but don't forget that before then there WILL be a day when you realise that things are not as bad as they once were - you don't have to wait until total debt free day to start feeling better.

angelpye

Oh, galley girl I did the visualisation and it is a very happy place my DFD will come in time to take dd1 away on a nice fun family holiday before she sets off for college. Apart from a night staying at a spa drinking champagne on my own to celebrate, the holiday will be my way of celebrating with my girls. My dfd is officially 24 months away, I am determined it will be 15 months so I can fully support dd1's voyage into college as the course she has chosen will mean many extra costs that a part time job won't cover.

OP have you tried to visualise? It has really lifted my spirits!