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Struggling with Dad after his stroke- long post!
Giraffodill
Posts: 28 Forumite
Hi everyone,
My 64 year old Dad had a stroke at the beginning of March. He was lucky to have no physical symptoms at all, but lost his memory for a short while and is now having great difficulty with speech and understanding. He is also unable to drive. It has been very frustrating for him as he knows what he wants to say, but cannot get the words out, and sometimes ends up speaking absolute gibberish! He also has a tendency to focus on certain topics and get very fixated on them, especially when they upset or annoy him.
In the last couple of weeks he has become much more aggressive than usual. He is refusing to do his speech exercises a lot of the time and gets very angry when we try to help him. He has starting getting very irate with family members and the tendency to fixate on things is really not helping with this. He has said to my husband that he doesn't want to do his speech exercises any more and is sick of trying to get better. We had hoped that as he cannot understand the television any more, he might find something else to do- like helping out around the house or a more active hobby, but instead he seems to be watching TV anyway and sleeping for most of the day.
To give a brief background:
My Dad is a retired tradesman- he retired early due to musculoskeletal problems. Since retiring he has struggled with depression, but has shown no willingness to try out a hobby or something else to keep himself occupied.
My Mum is 18 years younger than my Dad, and is out of the house for 12 hours a day at work. Her work were incredibly understanding whilst my Dad was in hospital, and she had a lot of flexibility, but she now needs to focus on being in work and getting her job done. This is her second marriage- my 'real father' was very emotionally abusive, and they divorced when I was around 5 years old.
I am 21, and recently married- we were actually on honeymoon when my Dad had his stroke. I am also 32 weeks pregnant. We live an hours bus journey from my parents and don't currently drive (although my husband is shortly taking his test). I have struggled with very bad gynecological health problems in the last couple of years and the whole family have been very supportive. I am currently signed off work sick as I am struggling a lot with breathing at the moment- and as I work in a call centre, would find it very difficult to do my job. My GP recently offered to sign me off work until maternity leave, but I refused and said I would prefer to reassess things every couple of weeks.
One of the most recent things my Dad has become fixated on is my Mum's driving- if she looks like she is going to do something wrong or my Dad thinks she is, he starts shouting and swearing. Several times she has had to ask him to get out of the car if they were close to home, so distracting has he been. I understand that this is probably related to him not being able to drive- he has 2 classic cars which are his passion, and I know it must be very frustrating for him. He is still spending a lot of money of modifying his cars even though he can't drive them, and I know that this is difficult for my Mum to watch- they do have money saved to be able to do this, but she feels as though this is making things worse.
The other fixation has been my time off work. I had a lot of time of work last year with various operations and significant problems managing pain. Even though my Dad can see that I am struggling with breathlessness, he does not see this as a reason for me not to be working, and constantly tells me that other women have to go through the same. I do understand this, but it's incredibly annoying for me- I want to be back in work desperately- it helps my mood levels, and we could certainly do with the money, but work have said that there is nothing I can do, other than my job role, and I simply can't manage talking non stop for 8-12 hours. I can't speak in full sentences after only a couple of minutes on the phone! I know that my Dad is worried about us having enough money for the new baby, but as much as I try to reassure him, he won't listen. He is also worrying about the effect that my being off work is having on my husband and thinks that he is going to get fed up. In actual fact, my husband is very supportive, as he was throughout my illness previously and we have great communication and honesty in our relationship. What is upsetting my husband more than anything is seeing my Dad constantly berating me and making me feel guilty.
My Dad and I had an argument on Wednesday, when he was due to come to our house for tea and to go to a meditation class with my husband. He called me mid afternoon and said he was going for a half hour nap, and he would call me back then as I needed to make sure he got on the right bus. After 2 hours, I hadn't heard from him and called him quite a few times trying to make sure he was okay- he was in the house on his own and since coming out of hospital has had another mini-stroke which caused a significant relapse. He finally rang me back after 2 and a half hours and started shouting at me for ringing so many times- he had clearly just been lying in bed listening to the phone ring. I tried to explain that I was only concerned about him and trying to help- he knows that I have suffered from anxiety whilst being pregnant, and situations like this are hard for me.
He then asked me how my GP appointment went and I told him that the GP had offered me a sick note until mat leave, but that I had preferred to take it a couple of weeks at a time, hoping that I might be able to get back to work, thinking that he would be pleased with this. Instead, he started laughing at me and then shouting, so I ended the call. I would never do this normally, but could feel my stress levels creeping up and ended up in tears for a long time.
I have not spoken to him since then, but spoke to my Mum this morning. She has said that he is in a very bad mood, is shouting at anyone and everyone and being generally aggressive and defensive. She has advised me not to speak to him, as she thinks he will only upset me more, and he doesn't appear to have any concern for anyone else's feelings at the moment. He has a GP appointment this afternoon, but they have never been great at doing anything about his mood previously.
Has anyone ever coped with this kind of situation before, or have any advice at all? I am trying to take a step back, for the sake of my stress levels and worrying about the impact on the baby, but desperately want to help. I'm really concerned about the effect this is having on my Mum's well being as well. She sounds constantly tired and I can tell she is really struggling to cope and to know how best to help him. She knew when she married him that at some point his age would impact on their relationship and his health would deteriorate, but I don't think she expected it this early. Caring for him and working long hours seems to be really taking its toll, and she doesn't seem to have any time to relax these days.
Sorry to those of you who are still reading for the length of this post, but boy does it feel good to get it all out!
My 64 year old Dad had a stroke at the beginning of March. He was lucky to have no physical symptoms at all, but lost his memory for a short while and is now having great difficulty with speech and understanding. He is also unable to drive. It has been very frustrating for him as he knows what he wants to say, but cannot get the words out, and sometimes ends up speaking absolute gibberish! He also has a tendency to focus on certain topics and get very fixated on them, especially when they upset or annoy him.
In the last couple of weeks he has become much more aggressive than usual. He is refusing to do his speech exercises a lot of the time and gets very angry when we try to help him. He has starting getting very irate with family members and the tendency to fixate on things is really not helping with this. He has said to my husband that he doesn't want to do his speech exercises any more and is sick of trying to get better. We had hoped that as he cannot understand the television any more, he might find something else to do- like helping out around the house or a more active hobby, but instead he seems to be watching TV anyway and sleeping for most of the day.
To give a brief background:
My Dad is a retired tradesman- he retired early due to musculoskeletal problems. Since retiring he has struggled with depression, but has shown no willingness to try out a hobby or something else to keep himself occupied.
My Mum is 18 years younger than my Dad, and is out of the house for 12 hours a day at work. Her work were incredibly understanding whilst my Dad was in hospital, and she had a lot of flexibility, but she now needs to focus on being in work and getting her job done. This is her second marriage- my 'real father' was very emotionally abusive, and they divorced when I was around 5 years old.
I am 21, and recently married- we were actually on honeymoon when my Dad had his stroke. I am also 32 weeks pregnant. We live an hours bus journey from my parents and don't currently drive (although my husband is shortly taking his test). I have struggled with very bad gynecological health problems in the last couple of years and the whole family have been very supportive. I am currently signed off work sick as I am struggling a lot with breathing at the moment- and as I work in a call centre, would find it very difficult to do my job. My GP recently offered to sign me off work until maternity leave, but I refused and said I would prefer to reassess things every couple of weeks.
One of the most recent things my Dad has become fixated on is my Mum's driving- if she looks like she is going to do something wrong or my Dad thinks she is, he starts shouting and swearing. Several times she has had to ask him to get out of the car if they were close to home, so distracting has he been. I understand that this is probably related to him not being able to drive- he has 2 classic cars which are his passion, and I know it must be very frustrating for him. He is still spending a lot of money of modifying his cars even though he can't drive them, and I know that this is difficult for my Mum to watch- they do have money saved to be able to do this, but she feels as though this is making things worse.
The other fixation has been my time off work. I had a lot of time of work last year with various operations and significant problems managing pain. Even though my Dad can see that I am struggling with breathlessness, he does not see this as a reason for me not to be working, and constantly tells me that other women have to go through the same. I do understand this, but it's incredibly annoying for me- I want to be back in work desperately- it helps my mood levels, and we could certainly do with the money, but work have said that there is nothing I can do, other than my job role, and I simply can't manage talking non stop for 8-12 hours. I can't speak in full sentences after only a couple of minutes on the phone! I know that my Dad is worried about us having enough money for the new baby, but as much as I try to reassure him, he won't listen. He is also worrying about the effect that my being off work is having on my husband and thinks that he is going to get fed up. In actual fact, my husband is very supportive, as he was throughout my illness previously and we have great communication and honesty in our relationship. What is upsetting my husband more than anything is seeing my Dad constantly berating me and making me feel guilty.
My Dad and I had an argument on Wednesday, when he was due to come to our house for tea and to go to a meditation class with my husband. He called me mid afternoon and said he was going for a half hour nap, and he would call me back then as I needed to make sure he got on the right bus. After 2 hours, I hadn't heard from him and called him quite a few times trying to make sure he was okay- he was in the house on his own and since coming out of hospital has had another mini-stroke which caused a significant relapse. He finally rang me back after 2 and a half hours and started shouting at me for ringing so many times- he had clearly just been lying in bed listening to the phone ring. I tried to explain that I was only concerned about him and trying to help- he knows that I have suffered from anxiety whilst being pregnant, and situations like this are hard for me.
He then asked me how my GP appointment went and I told him that the GP had offered me a sick note until mat leave, but that I had preferred to take it a couple of weeks at a time, hoping that I might be able to get back to work, thinking that he would be pleased with this. Instead, he started laughing at me and then shouting, so I ended the call. I would never do this normally, but could feel my stress levels creeping up and ended up in tears for a long time.
I have not spoken to him since then, but spoke to my Mum this morning. She has said that he is in a very bad mood, is shouting at anyone and everyone and being generally aggressive and defensive. She has advised me not to speak to him, as she thinks he will only upset me more, and he doesn't appear to have any concern for anyone else's feelings at the moment. He has a GP appointment this afternoon, but they have never been great at doing anything about his mood previously.
Has anyone ever coped with this kind of situation before, or have any advice at all? I am trying to take a step back, for the sake of my stress levels and worrying about the impact on the baby, but desperately want to help. I'm really concerned about the effect this is having on my Mum's well being as well. She sounds constantly tired and I can tell she is really struggling to cope and to know how best to help him. She knew when she married him that at some point his age would impact on their relationship and his health would deteriorate, but I don't think she expected it this early. Caring for him and working long hours seems to be really taking its toll, and she doesn't seem to have any time to relax these days.
Sorry to those of you who are still reading for the length of this post, but boy does it feel good to get it all out!
Expecting our first baby in July 2013 
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Comments
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Hi Giraffoldil.
I'm afraid there are no easy answers to your situation.
Have your parents received any support from the Stroke Association? They really are brilliant and a lot of the staff/volunteers are stroke survivors or relatives/carers of stroke survivors themselves so they have a really good understanding of how tough it can be.
Have a look here, there's a helpline too: http://www.stroke.org.uk
Are you the only child? Is there any other family who can support your mum a bit? Remember to look after yourself, that's what your mum will want you to do as first priority and I'm sure its what your dad would have said too if he was his 'old self'.
Strokes can have an effect on personality if they damage that part of the brain, and people can change and become much less pleasant to be around through no fault of their own. I think this aspect of stroke often gets overlooked but it can be the hardest and saddest thing for family members to cope with afterwards.
Best of luck with it all, and with your baby. X0 -
It's worth contacting a support group - https://www.stroke.org.uk/ - they will have heard it all before and should be able to offer advice. There may be a local group whose members will know what local services your Dad could be getting help from.
It's a very difficult situation and there won't be a quick and easy solution.
(Person_one beat me to it!)0 -
Thank you for your kind replies Person_One and Mojisola. I am indeed an only child and other family members are either very busy or have young children themselves, and like us, are about 40-60 minutes drive away. I had a look at the Stroke Association website earlier in the day, but couldn't really find anything in their area- plenty in my locality though which is typical! I will try and call their helpline later today and see if they know of anywhere else to get some support.Expecting our first baby in July 20130
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Giraffodil, I've just had a little cry reading your post - it could have been me writing it a few years ago.
I echo what Person_one said - strokes can entirely change someone's personality, and it's heartbreaking to watch the person you used to know become merely snippets in the personality of someone you don't know at all.
My father had two strokes, the first when I was in university and the second about ten years ago. I'm an only child too btw.
He recovered well from the first, but the second was devastating and triggered vascular dementia. He also got aggressive, though not to me really - more to my Mum, once spitting in her face because he didn't want his dinner - and laughed/said inappropriate things at odd times.
Dad also refused to do his speech and physiotherapy exercises - apparently it was too much like hard work. There was nothing we could do - even when we did the exercises with him they were half-hearted.
It is absolutely draining to be with someone who has changed so profoundly due to illness - I cried so much for both of my parents. As your dad still gets around OK and can communicate I'm not sure what to advise - my dad lost a lot of speech and movement in one fell swoop and never really helped himself after that.
Definitely give the Stroke Association a call, and maybe look into day centres for your Dad - mine loved to go on their trips and it gave my mum a bit of a break too. I did what I could but I was working full-time.
Lots of love, positive thoughts and best wishes. Let me know how things go and feel free to PM if you need to. *hugs*
HBS x"I believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another."
"It's easy to know what you're against, quite another to know what you're for."
#Bremainer0 -
Giraffodill wrote: »plenty in my locality though
If you can get to the group meeting in your area, you could pick up a lot of tips to pass on to your Mum.0 -
Strokes change lives more than people realise.
My FIL had a stroke 18 months ago and although he is hugely improved in that time, a lot of his personality has changed and he is unlikely to ever be the same man as he was.
However, that said my FIL has fought back against all the physical symptoms, taught himself to write again, got the all clear for driving, doesn't need his stick to walk now. The mental issues is he very aware of, memory loss, confused thought and things but it has taken him a long time to get to the stage where is recognises that damage has been done.
He still gets tired very easily and can sometimes be a bit short and tactless.
It's still very early days for your Dad and a huge amount of adjustment will have to be made by him and others. Its not like a heart attack type scenario where if you survive, you can just get on with things. we are talking about a brain injury which could be permanent.
My FIL was in hospital for 6 weeks and MIL took 5 months off work to care for him at the beginning. It was a very slow recovery, I was 7 mths pregnant when it happened so sort of similar to yourself and I did take it very badly and was very upset by the changes in him.
Your Dad need to try to help himself tho and if he is prone to depression anyway the tiredness that comes with the recuperation can make that worse.
Make sure he sees his GP if things don't seem to be improving.
Sorry for the babbling on with no real advice, just wanted to say I've been there and it does get better x0 -
Age UK might be able to help too if there aren't any stroke specific services close enough.0
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Thanks for your replies HBS and csh, it makes it easier knowing that other people have been through this. It's just so difficult to see him acting so selfishly and being so angry. In the first couple of weeks after the stroke, he really couldn't hold back his emotions- he cried a few times and got really excited about the baby (he had forgotten I was pregnant), and although it was hard to see, it was also really heartwarming to see his true feelings. Unfortunately this time, we seem to only be seeing heightened emotions in his bad moods
Expecting our first baby in July 20130 -
He'll probably see-saw a lot with moods - with my dad it was like he'd totally forgotten how to control any emotion - whatever he felt got expressed at the time.
HBS x"I believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another."
"It's easy to know what you're against, quite another to know what you're for."
#Bremainer0 -
The Stroke Association could give you some support, as could Age Concern and there are also sometimes locally run groups- for example in Bury there is SpeakEasy and there will be others in different parts of the country I'm sure.
It's also worth asking where the stroke was- frontal lobe damage can cause behavioural issues (mainly around inhibitions and acting inappropriately).
Some TIAs (people can have mini TIAs without even noticing) can also cause Vascular Dementia ( I really don't want to worry you with this, but this can happen) so it might be worth speaking to your father's lead professional- OT or SLT would be able to discuss this, particularly if you feel the behaviour is changing.
I feel for you as it must be heartbreaking to watch this happen to your family. Sorry this is a quick response I could only glance at your post but wanted to reply. x
Edited to add- Stroke recovery happens over a longer period of time, 6- 8 months is the amount of time people are generally recovering for, so can make progress in this time, and indeed after in some cases.0
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