paying expenses for your other half

bargaindoctor

WOW... I am amazed at the number of replies here!

Thanks so much, very insightful too to hear what others have and are going through.

I actually lived with my OH together for a while, our relationship progressed very quickly, I met her in Spain a couple of years back and within a few months and a couple of romantic escapades I have already convinced her to move here to start a new life! She came here with nothing and so moved in with me (too quickly some might even say) but I didn't even worry about money at this time because she wasn't costing me anything more, she got a job etc...

But then because of work I had to change locations, she decided to move with me and since my life has changed so much. We now live separately (her decision). This was however due to logistics, more than problems we had between us.

As for costs - I do like to get them nice things (but as you can tell, at a bargain ) and only on special occasions, so when I say helping her financially I mean only when she is running out. And we never dine in too fancy restaurants. I will also help her with some bills. Far from big money, but certainly not somthing I am accustomed to doing. My previous girlfriend was very wealthy, daughter of an oil tycoon and loved a lavish lifestyle... takin me on holiday to Turkey, drinking Crystal on a normal day, tipping waay too much and just spoiling me.... So this is certainly a bit of a wee change!!

Perhaps I am just feeling discontent with the relationship with mounting issues. I get alot of pressure from my family to find a different long term partner. They feel that socioeconomically we have too much of a gap (me having a british education, a good uni degree, and a career ladder to climb with a decent salary vs her with a foreign degree that is not very useful here, english not being her first language etc) and therefore she is not marriage material.

I still love her and care alot for her and she's a great wonderful girl. I just sometimes find it hard to talk about this and besides finacial issues she also doesn't want to play the typical role of a housewife (cooking/cleaning/washing). So I still do my own laundry (she occasionally helps with the ironing), I still make my own meals and find myself washing up more than she does. And THIS does get to me and I don't know how to raise it, but maybe I shouldn't see it so much as 'I am helping her with money, she could at least help me with other parts of my life'

Just like MM said above I feel not just like the provider but also looking after matters... and in a way I kind of realised how spoilt I have been in some past relationships so it's always something learnt

Anyway I know my OH doesn't really like it when she has to live off my money and she is working 2 jobs right now so things should improve. But last night she got upset because I was about to leave her to her own devices in the kitchen.... arrrgh. I think the motivation for me to write this post is actually because of deeper issues with whether I should carry this relationship on and I think that may be problems beyond finance.... even though a professor in social psychology once told me that most couples break up with a big factor being financial problems, so maybe my parents are right on the money (no pun intended it just came out!)

liney

still love her and care alot for her and she's a great wonderful girl. I just sometimes find it hard to talk about this and besides finacial issues she also doesn't want to play the typical role of a housewife (cooking/cleaning/washing). So I still do my own laundry (she occasionally helps with the ironing), I still make my own meals and find myself washing up more than she does. And THIS does get to me and I don't know how to raise it, but maybe I shouldn't see it so much as 'I am helping her with money, she could at least help me with other parts of my life'

If she isn't a housewife, why would she want to fit into the role of one?

Why not save the money you will no longer be giving your GF as she is now working 2 jobs, and get a cleaner. It certainly isn't your girlfriends job, especially as she doesn't live with you! Cheeky.

Elle00

jon_E_begood wrote: »

We pay 50/50 on all the household bills after which she has very little left (after her cc is paid) as she earns a lot less than me. So I pay for all social activities (meals/drinks/cinema etc). Holiday wise she contributes what she can but i normally provide most of the spending money. Works ok except she sometimes complains that "I always make sure I have enough money for going out with friends" which i do but this is in additon to our stuff which i also fund...so fair enough methinks..

I don't think that's very fair actually, sorry!

I think when you're in a relationship where both parties are earning different salaries but trying to lead the same style of life you need to be paying in an equal PERCENTAGE not AMOUNT. When my then-fiance and I lived together and were both working I was 20yrs old and earning £12,500kpa and he was 31yrs old and earning £23kpa so for household bills: I paid in £480 to his £940 leaving him with around £500 a month and me with around £300 a month; we both agreed that this was a very fair way of doing things as he was still better off than me in return for his higher paid job but not at the expense of bankrupting me in order to maintain our joint lifestyle.

If you are suplimenting someone's income so that you can both enjoy the same style of life then it's just part and parcel of being in a relationship where incomes differ regardless of whether you live together or apart. As long as you are getting something out of the relationship, like friendship, affection and pleasure then you shouldn't begrudge spending money on them that you can afford to spend and they can't.

I don't really think that's the issue here anyway, it just sounds to me like you don't think this lady is good enough for you OP and working two jobs just to keep up is probably running the poor thing into the ground. It's as though you think you're superior to her and she should somehow be grateful that you lower yourself to her level.

The point of having a partner is that you share mutual respect and appreciation for the different qualities you bring to one another's lives. Financial gain and status seems a bit of a 1600's way to go about things and even then there were women who were treated with more respect than you're treating this poor lady with. Surely she must bring something to the relationship like kindness, consideration, affection? There's a lot more to what goes into a relationship than individual earnings and social status these days. If you really don't value what she has to bring to the relationship then you should do her a favour and end it. Sorry to be harsh but I feel awful for your girlfriend. She only came to this country for you in the first place and now she's struggling to survive on top of probably feeling very isolated and lonely you begrudge offering her financial assistance and want her to scrub your long johns too! That's not love it's domination.

honeypop

OP do this girl a favour and set her free, you don't deserve someone who moves and gives up everything to be with someone like you who 'convinced her to move here and start a new life', and then begrudges spending money on her because you were used to it being the other way round with your ex.

Why should she act like a housewife for you? She ISN'T a housewife, she's working 2 jobs and doesn't even live with you anymore, do your own laundry and stop whinging about it, you're a grown man aren't you?

As for your family putting pressure on you to find a different long term partner. as they feel that socioeconomically you have too much of a gap and therefore she is not marriage material... get a mind of your own will you. Who decides who you spend your life with, you or them? So what if you have a british education and a decent salary and she 'only' has a foreign degree and english is not her first language... sorry to point out the obvious but I guess you realised these things when you fell for someone from another country?

You say "I still love her and care alot for her and she's a great wonderful girl", but everything else you say suggests you think otherwise tbh. Like elle83 says, you don't think shes good enough for you, I guess because you have delusions that you think you are better than her in many ways.

If you had given everything up you had and moved to be with her in another country because she wanted you to, and then you didn't earn as much money and she helped you out now and then financially think how you would feel if you found out she begrudged giving you help because even though you worked 2 jobs and lived seperately, you still didn't clean for her and do her washing etc. You'd feel like a right mug and probably be very unhappy. This is how you are probably making her feel.

I earn more than my OH, but I want us to be able to stay together and do the things we enjoy doing, this means helping out financially and I don't think for one moment that he owes me anything in return. As far as we're concerned, we are together long-term and treat ourselves like a 'unit' rather than 2 seperate people, money is just a means to having things we want, where it comes from within our 'unit' doesn't matter.

You clearly have other issues with her and don't sound at all like you are with her for the long-term future (probably because mummy says she isn't good enough for you). You can't even talk to her about how you feel, what kind of relationship is that? You seriously need to think about what it actually is that is bothering you about this whole situation (if it's just the money then shame on you) and discuss it properly with her to find a way forward, either together or apart.

Sorry if any of this sounds harsh but I'm considering her feelings here, it's all a lot more complicated as she's moved somewhere new and it's not ideal to just turn round and say sorry I don't want to be with you anymore.

Unknown1234_2

I pay more than my fiancee at the moment, I pay the mortgage he pays the bills. But i earn more than him.

To be honest we are a couple and view the money as ours, so no-one really pays more than th eother, its our money anyway : )

halia

Have to agree with those who say you need to look at how you treat this woman. And btw she is a woman not a 'girl'.

"previous girlfriend was very wealthy, daughter of an oil tycoon and loved a lavish lifestyle... takin me on holiday to Turkey, drinking Crystal on a normal day, tipping waay too much and just spoiling me.... So this is certainly a bit of a wee change!!"
you do realise this comes across as boasting? and also that you are being so very generous now because of course you are attractive enough that you COULD land an oil heiress

"I get alot of pressure from my family to find a different long term partner."
are you an adult or a child, pressure like what? you make your own choices surely - or are they and you hoping for a rich wife/daughter-in-law?

"They feel that socioeconomically we have too much of a gap (me having a british education, a good uni degree, and a career ladder to climb with a decent salary "
again with the boasting, I dont' care about your 'good' degree and decent salary - what matters in a relationship has nothing to do with this.

vs her with a foreign degree that is not very useful here, english not being her first language etc) and therefore she is not marriage material.
oh wow, a foreign degree? and doesn't speak english as a first language, hmmm, and if you went abroad...............


" she also doesn't want to play the typical role of a housewife (cooking/cleaning/washing)."
why the hell should she?

"So I still do my own laundry (she occasionally helps with the ironing), I still make my own meals and find myself washing up more than she does. "
Why shouldn't you do your own stuff? you live apart don't you? why should she be ironing your shirts.

" 'I am helping her with money, she could at least help me with other parts of my life'
NO, this is so wrong, if you want to help her out because you love her and dont' want to see her struggle thats great. But you are not PAYING HER to do your housework for you.
Money / favours between partners should never be an exchange it should be a gift.

I think you need to take a good look at how you are acting in this relationship. Maybe what you really need is to pay for a cleaner and a wh*re and let your 'partner' go her own way to find someone who doesn't patronise her.

bargaindoctor

As shocked as I may be by the past couple of replies, when I went back to read my own comments about 'act like housewife' and 'do my laundry' I am not surprised by the reaction....!

So I do apologise. I was trying to keep things really simple but I guess I learned my lesson about forum posting... to provide as much information as possible to get the big picture!

So let me clarify/respond to some of these late comments fueled with aggression:

1. About how she's not my housewife - I NEVER wanted of her to act more like a housewife nor have I ever delegated roles of a housewife to her. If anything I have been the housewife in this relationship (at least compared to my other ones where the sweethearts may volunteer to give me a massage or cook me a meal.... and before I get flamed again, favour always returned !!!)

When I say that she 'doesn't want to act like a housewife' I mean that she feels very strongly about anything that has any resemblance to role a housewife would play. Not because I want her to be one. But basically she would be avoidant for tasks to do with that, and in some way it makes me wonder if I should be helping her financially because that should obviously make her feel dependent on me. More than anything else in fact I want to help her become independent, whether with me or without me. I want her to have a better life, and that may be without me. So to the above replies that attempted to rip my guts out I have NEVER asked of her to cook, clean, iron, or do my laundry. In fact I don't think I've ever asked a girl (or 'woman', if the terminology really makes a difference to halia) to do any of these tasks for me. So sorry about that potential implication!

2. all the various quotes on comments I made that obviously stirred reactions - I think I shaded quite a bit in my last post out of embarassment of how much a wuss I am probably being in this relationship. That's partly why I brought in my last relationship which I agree was totally irrelevant, purely to point out that I am not always the one who is doing everything head over heels!! So I should clarify, that my post above was a bit reactive probably with some resentment merely because i feel that i am doing alot of these tasks now. my guy friends would say that i'm completely wussed out and am being completely used but I have always defended my relationship (just as I am now, I think) When she comes she tells me to put the food in the oven, or to go get it. So uh pretty much I make the meals. If she leaves the next morning the dishes are usually still lying on the table so I am the one who washes the dishes. As for laundry because she is too uncomfortable in the common areas, I do them, including hers.

3. Honeypop / Halia - do I think she is NOT good enough for me? ABSOLUTELY not. That is an insult to me and to her. I am with her because I consider her on an equal level with me in many ways, maybe not financially but intellectually and emotionally we are on the same wavelength. As for comments on me 'bragging' about my education - I did not mean for it to come across that way. I mentioned this to point out the s*** my OH has to put up with in order to get an average job in this country - really unfair. And more than anyone else replying regarding what she has to put up with as a foreigner, unless you are a foreigner yourself I don't think you will know better than us since we are both from outside this country and I know what she has to put up with. So please don't take my comparison of our education situations as my chance to 'brag'. there is nothing to brag about my education, i could have done alot better if i made wiser choices and i am far from happy with where i am right now but certainly in a much more stable situation than my OH is. This is the point- and the point my family makes. They are worried that she is using me for this. They play safe. I have chosen to ignore their advice and instead have spent alot of time helping her with interviews, networking, CVs, even answering emails on her behalf and going to job centres for her. All I want for her is to be better, and I realy do feel that I am doing everything in my power to help her.

4. As for her workin 2 jobs - do you think I want her to be doing that? far from it. I work almost the same hours but I tell her to take it easy, if she hates it i said to quit it and i will still support her and help her. i have been paying her rent for her because her work has not yet paid her, and I will continue to help her like I always have. She needed a laptop so I bought her one. I pay for all the groceries whenever we go shopping, and automatically take my wallet out as habit whenever we go eat. I pay for pretty much everything and I am far from rich but I also do this because I want her to save up some money herself. My friends all think it's wrong and I know my family will kill me if they found. So the comment about whether my mind is that of a child or adult - all I can say is that if i really care about what my parents think, my life would be far from what it is now but I am still with her.

5. halia - thanks for your comments above but i hope my points here clear up the circumstances. I think what you said would be completely valid if i really was the arrogant, selfish, misogynistic (see i can't even spell it properly), immature c*ck you seem to think i am (and i perhaps am!) but i certainly would hope otherwise.

Anyway I hope we can get back on topic. My original post was about whether it would be fair for one couple to be doing everything financially, how the outcome usually is - does the other person start to rely on you and expect you to do everything, as i feel like my situation has spiralled into.... or does it usually work out fine. As much as I would like to explore other angles of my relationship to see if it's going to last or if my family/friends hit the nail on the head, I am concerned htis would start getting really off topic as witnessed from the past couple of replies. But I am happy to listen to any thoughts/suggestions/advice.

thanks

melancholly

really nice post there - i was in their with a pitchfork in the lynching party before over your other comments!
sounds like you two really need to sit down and talk. lots of perfectly happy relationships go downhill over 'domestic' arrangements.

i guess you need to work out why she feels so uncomfortable in common areas in your house, and maybe you should ask her to do the ironing if you do the laundry. things have to be shared.

you clearly have concerns and if you don't address them, resentment will build up and may make things impossible. a long chat about your living arrangements and 'roles' may help to get everything out in the open - if she doesn't know that you're uncomfortable then there's a good chance that she may be feeling the same way. in any event, you can only address a problem once it's been identified!

ailuro2

If you resent it then it is a problem- if you are not going to progress to putting all your money into one pot,(living together, kids, marriage,in whatever order you please:p ) then perhaps you should have a big rethink of where you are in the relationship.

Chris_Quartly

My wife and I are in rented accommodation (and probably won't be able to afford buy for some time), she only works part-time at the moment (about £400 a month). It's a real struggle each month, I have been asking her to ask for more hours at work or look into getting a full time job.

At the moment I take £150 a month from her (travel to work for her costs £55 a month), she thinks I am unreasonable, I think I'm too reasonable!

It's also difficult because the burden is on me so much (I don't earn masses of money) and there never seems to be any restbite to save, my wife is American and she's been told by her work that she can only take holiday in August (due to other people already booking holidays), of course the most expensive time to fly to the US and she wants/needs to see her family.

If there was one person who wasn't made to work, it's my wife... I hope deep down she knows she needs to do more though.