paying expenses for your other half

thetope

haven't been in this position yet and up to now i wasn't sure how i'd behave, but the possibilty is about to rear its head for me as well.

I earn a decent enough salary and own my own home (with a mortgage). My O/H is self employed and is still in the set up stages of his business so has a lot of capital expenditure and not so much income (yet - hopefully this will change over the next couple of years!).

There's a possibility that i may move in with him later in the year in which case i'd rent out my house. The rent will cover my mortgage expenses with contingencies, and his house is owned outright so i would not have to contribute to his rent. So i would be left with proabably close to £500 a month more than i have at the moment. I have pretty much decided that i don't mind covering all the living expenses (insurance, electricity, food etc) and that will take a bit of the pressure off him. At the end of the day it's not money i'd miss if it's a straight swap from one set of bills to another, though it would be nice to have savings. And i know he won't take advantage. I think it's easier on his ego to have "shared" things paid for like food, i know if the shoe were on the other foot i'd find it very hard to accept someone else paying my way.

But I've only really considered this because i know it's the "right" person - i can see myself settling with my OH in which case i'd be perfectly happy to share all of my income with him even if the business is still not generating huge profits. Up to now i've not met anyone who i'd have been happy to share my money with!

Mark7799

We've had situations in our time together where it's varied who's been the higher earner. We know what HAS to be paid and we pool our resources to ensure that gets done. The rest (after savings) is 'fun' money which is usually done jointly. We each have our own accounts and split the bills. TBH, I've never worried if it's 50/50, that's not what marriage is all about.

Denise61

I was married for 22 years and we put everything into joint accounts at the start, but as he earned more than me (especially after the children arrived) we eventually set up individual accounts. However, all earnings still went into the joint account with a standing order from it transferring an agreed monthly amount into our own private accounts.

I still think the theory is right to pool resources to pay for the big joint stuff like mortgages, food, holidays, cars etc and then have separate money to fund the drink-after-work-with-colleagues, essential-new-shoes, birthday-pressies-for-each-other situations etc.

However, where it failed with me was that one party (me) was expected to manage all the finances (and keep things on an even keel), but the other party (him) never wanted to know about any difficulties we were having.

If this system is to work, then both parties have to take an interest in and responsibility for what's happening to both joint and personal finances, treat each others personal spending decisions with respect (I think new shoes are essentials and he strangley felt the same about his golf!) and keep an emotional distance if problems arise, so that you can deal with them together objectively and honestly.

I'm now divorced (since 2003 and not caused by money issues) and have total financial responsibility for myself. From the financial perspective I didn't find it too traumatic as I'd been dealing with banks and building societies all my life - apart from the fact that there was now a lot less in the pot!, but my ex had a tough time due to his financial inexperience. If he'd taken more interest in things when we were married it wouldn't have been so hard for him. In fact he found himself in the situation many women find themselves in after divorce or bereavement! And he was lucky that I didn't take him to the cleaners when we split up! lol

Smashing

Am I correct in thinking you are not living together?
If so, I don't think you're helping your partner in the long-term by constantly giving them money - if they cannot afford their expenses on a regular basis then they are evidently living beyond their means and would be far better learning to manage their money than constantly being bailed out.

halia

We've always had an income gap, before we lived together that meant we generally didn't go on holidays etc or need to buy expensive household things.
the earning partner did tend to pick up the bills for social stuff though - not food or general day to day living expenses but if we went out whoever had the cash paid - the theory being that we wanted to go out together and if poorX had to try and come up with the cash we'd never go out! The earning partner might also choose to treat the poorer partner - ie new clothes, a book, a decent haircut.

Mind you we never did expensive stuff, so you are talking a couple of pints or a fiver for a cinema ticket, and clothes as a treat I remember a winter coat in the sale for £80 being the most expensive piece of clothing I'd ever had at that point!

now we live together its just all household money - not really a partnership if its not joint.

Psykicpup

we pool the bills & then if he earns more or I do it doesnt matter. We get to treat the other...
Sorry that wasnt very clear.. we have an account which all bills (nearly lol) come from. We both put an equal share in to it from our own bank accounts.anything is 'our own acounts' is ours to spoil oh's or not.........

ThriftyT

My and my oh have always had a joint account and it has gone in swings and round abouts who is earning more, its just 'our' money. Tricky when not living together though. My gut feeling is go with what feels comfortable, if you don't feel comfortable talk about it or dont' do it!!

absolutebounder

I thought most men were used to supporting their OH whoever earns the most

MortgageMamma

I have always been a high earner and therefore been in a couple of relationships which were more about the lifestyle I had the potential to provide than actually liking me as a person

I am still the high earner now I am married, and I am also the main childcarer, housewife, cook etc. Sometimes I wish my DH earned a bit more to take the pressure off and found himself a job like mine that he could really excel at and enjoy as well as make money, but he is just not that way inclined. I don't think any less of him for it, he just isnt made the same way as me and likes the easy life. I'm happy with it, I dont mind paying for everything because I LOVE HIM and at the end of the day thats what a relationship is about, not who's got what etc etc. You can't take it with you when you go, so if you have to spend a bit of cash to make life nicer for you both or to make your OH happy then in my opinion its cash well spent.

AB - doesnt work like that anymore chuck, many women like me are strong minded, self sustaining and too independent let a man support them, however on the flip side of the coin there have been times when I have crawled into my bed exhausted and lonely and wished there was a man who looked after me for a change

MM x

choccyface2006

Well my bf (We don't live together) earns nearly triple my income but I always pay my way. I let him treat me to a takeaway every fortnight but I cook for him several nights a week, apart from that its 50/50 on everything else we do together.

If we go for a meal I insist on paying my half. The only exception to this is when its my birthday when he pays, but I pay when its his birthday.

I was worried when he first suggested a holiday with our children two years ago because I couldn't see how I could afford it but I saved like crazy and paid my half, we went away last year too and are going away this year and its much more of a struggle for me to afford it but I couldn't have him help me out, if want to go its up to me to find the money.



Sarah