paying expenses for your other half

bargaindoctor

how do you guys feel about paying expenses for your other half in a long term relationship or giving them money to help them out.... we're not talking BIG money but still a significant amount over a time period. we're not talking about buying gifts or clothes but taking out for a cheap meal say £15 a couple of times a week, groceries, transport, help them pay their rent once in a while and the occasional £20 to help the other through, the couple of holidays....

would you expect the money back? should you? would you have even helped the other in the first place or find yourself completely wussed to be doing the above?

as of note, the financial circumstnaces are also very different between the 2 which is the point of the above, assumption is that if it was reversed it would be the same.

victoriajayne1987

i helped out my fiancee when we first got together, as he wasnt earning much then, and needed the money for transport and food and stuf. now its turned the other way, and i admit hes helped me a lot more than i ever helped in, but we're a team, whats mine is his and whats his is mine. if you are giving your partner the money you should just joke about it and say remember this when the tables turn and stuff lol. but dont say, i want this back mind! will put extra pressure into the situaion! hope this helps!

lynzpower

I dont know how i feel about it.

I do this and he certrainly doesnt like it, as TBH I dont really either.

absolutebounder

lynzpower wrote: »

I dont know how i feel about it.

I do this and he certrainly doesnt like it, as TBH I dont really either.

Woman talk at its best no wonder blokes get confused:rotfl:

Its like when a bloke asks a woman how she is and gets the answer FINE you know she is anything but FINE but havent a clue what you did to upset her

liney

Well it depends.. is he paying for the £15 meal because he wants to go out and she can't afford to? If that's the case then he should treat her.

As for basic bills, then she should budget accordingly and ensure she can pay these on her own. Same token though, are his high earnings forcing her to try and 'keep up' as far as socialising goes and therefore spend money she really can't afford?

Holidays; again if she cant afford it, but he wants her company then why not pay for her.

Huge salary differences will always be abit awkward, but unless he is prepared to live a lower budget life style then of course he will have to pick up the slack.

I say he as the bigger earner because i remenbered one of your previous posts.

daphne_descends

I'm not sure if I've understood right, but if two people in a relationship earn differently then I don't see a problem with one paying more. My OH earns twice as much as me and we pool our money together. I don't take advantage but I don't think of it as 'his' money and 'my' money. It's our money. If I want to spend some of it on myself, then I consult him, but I don't have to beg - more like 'I need to buy some maternity trousers, can we afford it' - I know if we can afford it or not, I just want him to be aware too (as I manage bills etc I think he could go all month without knowing the bank balance and so on).

On the other hand, my OH is a contract worker, if a job ends and he has nothing to go to then we rely on my salary, luckily I earn just enough to cover all the basics (VERY basic mind).

When we went on holiday recently 'we' paid for everything. Usually I am the cardholder and the only thing that bothers me is the odd look from waiters/shop staff as it can appear that I'm paying for everything (so what if I was anyway).

Edit: Just to add, this works for us, I don't suppose it would for everyone. When we kept our money separate we just seemed worse off every month, in spite of OH being as generous then as ever. We never had much left between us at the end of the month before, and now, luckily for us we don't have to count down to payday. Not to imply that we're rolling in it, that's a laugh, but we do better, and that's why we do it this way.

liney

Whilst i agree with everything you said Fac73, i dont think the couple live together.

Kimitatsu

To me if you are in a long term relationship then you obviously care for this lady and you want to make sure she is ok?

For us, we have always pooled our money, but then we have kids, so its always been a case of looking after our family unit and then whatever is left (not usually a great amount lol) goes on the odd evening out or luxury item that one or other of us wants.

If you have given the money freely to help this person out, why would you expect it back? I guess I am an old fashioned girl but my dates have always paid for dinner - equally I do all the cooking at home so I think it balances itself out.

If it is becoming a problem and you are starting to feel resentful that you pay all of these things then maybe you should look at why you feel that way and is there a way to combat it? You say that if the situation was reversed then it would be the same, but is that the way you really feel?

Sorry I think I have given you more questions than answers!!

daphne_descends

liney wrote: »

Whilst i agree with everything you said Fac73, i dont think the couple live together.

:wall: silly me...

in that case - if one person feels they're being taken advantage of, then that's the time to put a stop to it.

It's nice to feel a bit spoilt and be treated to dinner or drinks - but if you can never pay your own way then you shouldn't go out, imho. Stay in instead, don't treat a partner like a cash tree, even if they don't appear to mind.

jon_E_begood

We pay 50/50 on all the household bills after which she has very little left (after her cc is paid) as she earns a lot less than me. So I pay for all social activities (meals/drinks/cinema etc). Holiday wise she contributes what she can but i normally provide most of the spending money. Works ok except she sometimes complains that "I always make sure I have enough money for going out with friends" which i do but this is in additon to our stuff which i also fund...so fair enough methinks..

melancholly

i don't live with OH and as i am a phd student, i have a lot less money than he does with his proper 'grown up' job!

he ends up covering my expenses a little bit - but mroe to do with when he comes to mine i cook a nice dinner, whereas at his we're more likely to go out and he pays.

i *hate* the idea of being paid for! i pay all my own rent, travel expenses, clothes, food etc. the only time he sometimes covers me is for things we do together. he's also pretty understanding that i don't like going out to expensive bars where i can't afford to spend my money - so i guess he has to put up with a more restrained lifestyle than he could afford himself.

i think that by trying not to be a financial burden to him, he doesn't mind taking me out now and again. if i didn't apologise and say how nice it was, and how he didn't have to etc, and acted like i expected him to do it, then it might be different.