Should I let sleeping dogs lie?

Treevo

I wouldn't bother. I'd maybe look them up to see if they're alive but that's about it.

I don't have time for people who put their kids through hell.

marisco_2

It sounds to me like you have been through hell and back OP. I have seen friends cope with an alcoholic parent and it is not something I would wish on anyone. You did your very best from a young age to try and help your mum. No doubt at huge cost emotionally and otherwise to yourself. She exposed you to situations that no young person should have to deal with or handle. I expect that your decision to cut contact was an extremely difficult one and something you gave a great deal of thought to. This still cuts you up doesn't it. Going on what you have divulged here I think you were wise to make that decision though.

You are clearly a family orientated guy. Deciding to try for a family of your own has naturally made you think about the status quo with your parents and sibling. I was very fortunate to be raised in a happy, secure and loving home. I had my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc around me. I valued having the love, attention and support of those people as I grew up. That is what we all aim for isn't it and when you haven't experienced that, you can crave it for your own children even more. So it is completely natural that you want this for your own child when it comes along.

As you say it has been ten years since you last had contact. I would hope for your mums sake and that of those around her that she has sort help for her problems and pulled through. I question though why she has not tried to contact a son who did so much for her, in all that time. If you decide you want to try and enable your family to be part of your life and that of your future families life, I would contact them now and test the water. See how things lie and see if they could be a positive part of your future. Your gut instinct will tell you all you need to know.

forensiclou

jason_nevins wrote: »

Thanks . You pretty much nailed it with "unstable childhood". I attended no less than 10 different schools in my childhood, maybe 12 houses, had 3 "fathers", not counting the other boyfriends. I'm proud of myself for being not totally messed up!

Multiple schools and houses? You could be my husband talking! Don't let the past define you - be proud that you're not messed up - and promise yourself to do things DESPITE of your upbringing. My husband was bordering on being messed up when I met him as a 19yr old - 15 years later he's an amazing husband, father and holds down an amazing job in the emergency services despite barely any qualifications, plus a lovely house and a dreaded mortgage. He has all of this because of his/my desire to fight back against the easy route of going off the rails.

I'm not sure I no longer care for them, my mother will be in her sixties now, and, with the famliy medical history, may not be too far away from passing away (if she hasn't already). Even thinking about that upsets me, but I take your point - the whole setup was poisonous, even the night I got "thrown out" was totally unbalanced.

Don't think about it - it's not worth being upset over - gain strength from it and leave them to it!

Addiscomber

jason_nevins wrote: »

The IVF has been hell, a total emotional rollercoaster, and we don't need any more stress.

I think you have your own answer right here.

I don't see any reason to complicate matters at this point in your lives together. Deciding whether and when to contact your family to see how things are can wait until later. If the IVF is successful the baby won't have have any clue about what grandparents are until at least a couple of years from now, by which time you and your girl friend will likely have settled your emotions to a state where you can contemplate seeing how the land lies.

Mojisola

jason_nevins wrote: »

Have also not spoken to my sister for the same length of time, or met my nephew, whom she was pregnant with when I was forced out.

My sister had her own place and would turn off her mobile and unplug her house phone so she didn't have to deal with the issues. My mothers husband would stay in the pub so he didn't have to deal with everything going on.

Addiscomber wrote: »

I don't see any reason to complicate matters at this point in your lives together. Deciding whether and when to contact your family to see how things are can wait until later. If the IVF is successful the baby won't have have any clue about what grandparents are until at least a couple of years from now, by which time you and your girl friend will likely have settled your emotions to a state where you can contemplate seeing how the land lies.

If you decide to make contact, I would follow Addi's advice and leave it until life is more settled for you and your GF.

I would then start by contacting your sister. It sounds as if she has a stronger sense of self-preservation than you - if she's willing to link up with you again, learn from her and the way she handles your destructive mother.

If there's any chance that bringing your mother back into your life will damage the relationship you have with your GF, don't risk it! You have the chance to make a normal family - look to the future.

Calfuray

Speaking as the child from your scenario - my mother placed no restrictions on us seeing family members she did not speak to - and we very quickly (as in within 3 visits) realised exactly why they didn't speak and that we weren't interested either.

HTH

sillysid

I think you are hurting. You have all this hope and love for this wee new one - congrats - hope all is going well - and it brings back all the pain, loss, anger of your own upbringing.

Given the love you feel for your own, you can't imagine how your own mother could hurt you the way she has. Maybe you feel lonely, alone, or thinking - why can't you have a family to support you, care for you?

I haven't seen my mother for over 40 years, she's still alive, she once tried to contact me, and I couldn't forgive her. 2 decades later I spoke to her by phone - she was a stranger, and couldn't ever give me back what I'd lost (normality!!) But I think she lost so much more, she must've only been in her late 20's/early 30's at the time.
Now she's an old lady. It gave me closure. I had no desire to speak to or see her again. And I certainly don't want my children dragged into it.

Bad things happen, and they do have a lasting effect, I am over sensitive to people's feelings, I don't have a 'normal' to gauge from, so tend to overeact to stressful situations and blame myself for everything...hey ho, that's life, I'm sure half the population have something from there past that bothers them.

You are still very young, got plenty of time to make decisions or mistakes, we all do...And at some point you realise, you can no longer blame the past for your future, it's yours, not your mum's/sister's.

just enjoy what you have right now, over the next few years you'll be able to rewrite your childhood by doing all the great things with your own wee one. good luck

Any

You were unhappy with them, it destroyed part of your life, what the hell makes you think that it is soooo important that another young innocent child gets that forced onto them as well??

I just don't get this... people who have misserable existences due to third parties suddenly believe they MUST allow an innocent child to quite possibly, if not surely to go through the same.

Sorry for the rant. But that is how I feel.
OP if they never contacted you, I am 99% sure that she is not sober and/or does not believe that she is the problem.

geoffky

You need fixing....End of important message..

Bella73

As someone who is not in contact with my parents for similar issues as you I would say run for the hills with your new family (hoping if works for you). At least you feel brave enough to try for a child, my parents are one of reasons I don't want to have children. I was always terrified I might end up like them.

I know in my situation I wouldn't even let them know I had a child. I'll be moving house soon (yey) but won't be passing on my address, for the record I have two siblings and none of us are in contact with our parents and one of my siblings has children who are thriving beautifully without grandparent input. They never knew them so don't miss them.