Should I let sleeping dogs lie?

jason_nevins

I'm really looking for some impartial advice on a somewhat complicated issue. Apologies in advance for the length, it's all a bit of a mess.

Some background:
I was "thrown out" of the parental home at 23. My mother was (is?) a "middle class" alcoholic, and most of my late teens/early twenties were spent patching her up, either literally or figuratively. The trigger (allegedly) was the death of her mother, and then father, however she had been a drinker for many years prior, and had attempted suicide at least once due to her "issues" (basically being an only child).

So, I moved out at 23. Haven't spoken to her, or her 3rd husband since (I'm now 33). Have also not spoken to my sister for the same length of time, or met my nephew, whom she was pregnant with when I was forced out.

I convinced myself that it was better to have no contact with them, as my life was basically hell in the latter stages of living there. I had to give up uni and get a part time job as I was either dealing with incidents or the aftermath of them. My sister had her own place and would turn off her mobile and unplug her house phone so she didn't have to deal with the issues. My mothers husband would stay in the pub so he didn't have to deal with everything going on.

There's plenty more background, and sometimes I think I should see a psychologist, but in all honesty I've been dealing with it all and had reconciled myself to the fact that I'd never see my family again.

but

My girlfriend and I had been trying for a while to start a family of our own, things weren't happening, so we decided to pay for IVF. Fingers crossed, it's early days, but things are looking positive.

If I end up being a father, is it wrong of me to deny my son/daughter any contact with his grandparents/aunt/cousin(s)? It's been 10 years.

My head's all over the place. I can just about deal with never seeing them again - sure, I get drunk every blue moon and bawl my eyes out - but is it wrong to deny my son/daughter the chance to never know them? For all I know she's been clean for 10 years. They've never made any attempt to contact me, nor I them.

Thanks in advance for any advice.

BitterAndTwisted

It's possible for a child to be raised in happiness without having contact with people who have caused so much pain to a parent. It isn't utterly necessary to have the normal quotient of extended family to be part of a happy family.

If I were you I'd be having a think about getting into contact with a support group for families of people with drink-dependence first rather than getting back in contact with your family. After getting some support you might not want to.

Toto

Bless you, that sounds like a horrible situation to be in. To be honest, if you make contact it needs to be for you, because you want to. Your future child won't miss what he or she has never had and to be honest if your family are a nightmare still the child would be better off without them.

But, if you feel you need answers or closure or to see if a relationship is possible then go for it.

notanewuser

jason_nevins wrote: »

I'm really looking for some impartial advice on a somewhat complicated issue. Apologies in advance for the length, it's all a bit of a mess.

Some background:
I was "thrown out" of the parental home at 23. My mother was (is?) a "middle class" alcoholic, and most of my late teens/early twenties were spent patching her up, either literally or figuratively. The trigger (allegedly) was the death of her mother, and then father, however she had been a drinker for many years prior, and had attempted suicide at least once due to her "issues" (basically being an only child).

So, I moved out at 23. Haven't spoken to her, or her 3rd husband since (I'm now 33). Have also not spoken to my sister for the same length of time, or met my nephew, whom she was pregnant with when I was forced out.

I convinced myself that it was better to have no contact with them, as my life was basically hell in the latter stages of living there. I had to give up uni and get a part time job as I was either dealing with incidents or the aftermath of them. My sister had her own place and would turn off her mobile and unplug her house phone so she didn't have to deal with the issues. My mothers husband would stay in the pub so he didn't have to deal with everything going on.

There's plenty more background, and sometimes I think I should see a psychologist, but in all honesty I've been dealing with it all and had reconciled myself to the fact that I'd never see my family again.

but

My girlfriend and I had been trying for a while to start a family of our own, things weren't happening, so we decided to pay for IVF. Fingers crossed, it's early days, but things are looking positive.

If I end up being a father, is it wrong of me to deny my son/daughter any contact with his grandparents/aunt/cousin(s)? It's been 10 years.

My head's all over the place. I can just about deal with never seeing them again - sure, I get drunk every blue moon and bawl my eyes out - but is it wrong to deny my son/daughter the chance to never know them? For all I know she's been clean for 10 years. They've never made any attempt to contact me, nor I them.

Thanks in advance for any advice.

No. My father is the youngest of 3, but was pretty much an only child due to the 17 year age gap between him and his nearest sibling. His parents were both dead within 3 months of me arriving, so my sister and I never had that set of grandparents. Because of the gap between him and his siblings we never had much to do with them, or their families. I doubt I've seen that aunt and uncle more than 10 times in my 35 years, and my cousins on that side I haven't seen for 20 years or more.

Neither my sister nor I have missed out. We have a very loving family on our mother's side, albeit far away.

You would be doing your child/children a disservice involving them with people you don't care for. Blood is not always thicker than water. Surround then with people that will love and nurture them, whether related or not.

Good luck with the IVF. I have one lovely niece due to IVF, and another that came along afterwards to surprise everybody.

forensiclou

Hi - cant offer any specific advice but..... We have a very similar situation with my husbands mother/family. We made the decision not to instigate contact for our childrens benefit. We felt that contact would not be a good idea for them - husband experienced similar upheavals etc in his unstable childhood, and we stopped contact after a couple of unpleasant events. The family know where we are, if/when they want to make amends, but I doubt it'll ever happen TBH, and I want to protect my children and my husband from that grief.

It's difficult to make that decision, but you have to do what you feel comfortable with.

I'm sure you'll make a great parent when it happens - you just have to ensure your children don't suffer the same way - my husband made it his mission NOT to do things the wrong way - it made him stronger and he's a better person now.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

jason_nevins

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

It's possible for a child to be raised in happiness without having contact with people who have caused so much pain to a parent. It isn't utterly necessary to have the normal quotient of extended family to be part of a happy family.

If I were you I'd be having a think about getting into contact with a support group for families of people with drink-dependence first rather than getting back in contact with your family. After getting some support you might not want to.

I'm not sure there would be much point - it's been so long. What kind of support would they give me?

Toto wrote: »

Bless you, that sounds like a horrible situation to be in. To be honest, if you make contact it needs to be for you, because you want to. Your future child won't miss what he or she has never had and to be honest if your family are a nightmare still the child would be better off without them.

But, if you feel you need answers or closure or to see if a relationship is possible then go for it.

I suppose that's just it - I don't know. She may well have been off the sauce for 10 years for all I know. My worry is that if I were to re-establish contact, then it would hurt the relationship with myself and my gf. The IVF has been hell, a total emotional rollercoaster, and we don't need any more stress.

This will be our first child, and already I'm thinking about how, just how, a parent (especially a mother) could simply never see one of her children again, through choice. I'm "only" a father (just about), but even the thought of it would tear me apart, and I just don't get it.

coolcait

Good advice from the other posters who have replied to you.

For my tuppence worth, I think that the advice I'd give someone in your situation is pretty much ^^ what they said ^^.

However, if you do decide that to make contact with your family again, I'd recommend making it all about you and them reconnecting.

If that reconnection works, then you can move onto introducing your child into that extended family unit.

I think that the worst of all possible worlds would be parachuting a child into a relationship with "grandparents/aunt/cousin(s)", when you haven't a clue what they're like these days.

pearl123

You could trying picking up the phone to see how they are? Some people do mellow as they get older. You might need to harden your heart if they behave badly. My dad was a huge boozer - he mellowed.

jason_nevins

forensiclou wrote: »

Hi - cant offer any specific advice but..... We have a very similar situation with my husbands mother/family. We made the decision not to instigate contact for our childrens benefit. We felt that contact would not be a good idea for them - husband experienced similar upheavals etc in his unstable childhood, and we stopped contact after a couple of unpleasant events. The family know where we are, if/when they want to make amends, but I doubt it'll ever happen TBH, and I want to protect my children and my husband from that grief.

It's difficult to make that decision, but you have to do what you feel comfortable with.

I'm sure you'll make a great parent when it happens - you just have to ensure your children don't suffer the same way - my husband made it his mission NOT to do things the wrong way - it made him stronger and he's a better person now.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

Thanks . You pretty much nailed it with "unstable childhood". I attended no less than 10 different schools in my childhood, maybe 12 houses, had 3 "fathers", not counting the other boyfriends. I'm proud of myself for being not totally messed up!

notanewuser wrote: »

No. My father is the youngest of 3, but was pretty much an only child due to the 17 year age gap between him and his nearest sibling. His parents were both dead within 3 months of me arriving, so my sister and I never had that set of grandparents. Because of the gap between him and his siblings we never had much to do with them, or their families. I doubt I've seen that aunt and uncle more than 10 times in my 35 years, and my cousins on that side I haven't seen for 20 years or more.

Neither my sister nor I have missed out. We have a very loving family on our mother's side, albeit far away.

You would be doing your child/children a disservice involving them with people you don't care for. Blood is not always thicker than water. Surround then with people that will love and nurture them, whether related or not.

Good luck with the IVF. I have one lovely niece due to IVF, and another that came along afterwards to surprise everybody.

I'm not sure I no longer care for them, my mother will be in her sixties now, and, with the famliy medical history, may not be too far away from passing away (if she hasn't already). Even thinking about that upsets me, but I take your point - the whole setup was poisonous, even the night I got "thrown out" was totally unbalanced.

Savvy_Sue

You know, I think you might benefit from some counselling, even if you have been 'dealing with it', and maybe from someone skilled in dealing with those affected by alcoholism.

I wouldn't get in touch without it, tbh.

jason_nevins

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

You know, I think you might benefit from some counselling, even if you have been 'dealing with it', and maybe from someone skilled in dealing with those affected by alcoholism.

I wouldn't get in touch without it, tbh.

Thanks, I've been thinking the same thing for a while. Tried the NHS, but their waiting lists are years long. Fair enough, I guess there's people that need it a lot more than me (people with real problems). Looked at private, but with ivf already on the credit cards, there's no way I can afford it.