Help - How where and when to say goodbye.

chika

I think Nikkis words were a tad harsh but she has a point. When we go off to university we have enough to worry about without adding our parents tears onto it. I now understand why my mum never comes to Uni with me on the first day of term.

Also I think some of the people on here don't remeber being 18. I would be mortified at having a crying mother on my doorstep on the first day of uni.

Actually when I moved into my current university halls last September one of the first things we had a laugh about were the rivers of tears that some mother's produced. Coincidentally these are the people who didn't cope with being away from home and all except one has left (the other is reloacating to a rubbish university to be nearer her mum).

gingercordial

Aw, OP, my mum and I are really close and we both cried buckets when my family dropped me off at uni! That didn't surprise me - what did surprise me was that my dad and brother cried too!

Was I embarrassed? No. About 90% of the other girls being dropped off were crying, or their mums were, or both!

Once they left, I had a bit of a cry myself for about 10 mins then calmed down, thinking I couldn't possibly cry in public, and went to find my new hallmates. And lots of them were sat in the kitchen area openly crying! Then we cracked open the alcohol that some of us had thought to bring, and we were all fine after that. Not sure how long it took mum to calm down on the drive home though!

Just accept that you probably will cry - even if you try not to, the atmosphere at the uni will be very emotionally charged and you probably won't be able to help it. And no-one will care because they will all be going through the same thing, so you won't be embarrassing yourself or your daughter.

Make sure she has phone credit to be able to call you, and enough funds to come home to visit. And get her a bottle of wine and some chocolate to take with her, it's a great icebreaker with her new hallmates when they all need cheering up!

RibAd

The best place to say goodbye is waving them off in the car at the front door. When I left home for Uni 6 years ago, it was my own journey, as it was a gruelling 4 hour bus ride to a city I'd never been before. Yes, I had wanted my parents there, but it was easier to deal with the whole moving aspect knowing that it was me leaving them (in a short term) rather than the other way round. Anytime they do visit, we have chillout time together when they're up here, and I do go home every few months.

cotsvale

Nicki wrote: »

Hang on a minute here. Have people actually read the OP? This isn't a question of someone feeling sad about a child leaving but behaving appropriately and fairly to the child. The OP is becoming frequently hysterical in the presence of a 17 year old child to the extent she says where she is crying so hard she is unable to breathe, and where the child is having to comfort the mother. If she really gets into such a state why is she not doing so in the privacy of her own room well out of sight of the child?

This isn't about a death or a major illness. Its about a young adult being allowed to live her own life away from home for, as I say about 10 weeks, before returning to the home if she wants to do so and the relationship is as strong as OP thinks, to spend about 5-6 weeks at home.

Does everyone except me genuinely feel that this is fair to the 17 year old girl? How do people who think I have been harsh to OP think the 17 year old is feeling when she sees her mother regularly in this state because she is going away. For heavens sake she is only a child! How do you all feel when your mothers even now phone you and put pressure on you to spend every Christmas with them, have children to make them grandparents, visit every weekend, etc, etc, and sob as though their hearts are breaking if you don't. If your parents don't do that to you, then I hazard to guess you don't have any idea how it feels to be in that situation, and so you shouldn't all be so quick to jump down my throat for saying what it can be like to be on the receiving end. I know that I felt terribly guilty about causing my mother such pain, and under pressure to abandon my studies to prop her up. I also know others in my year who gave up their courses for this very reason. If you are correct in saying that your daughter is very close to you, how can she not be distressed by your very obvious distress about this?

This isn't about me having unresolved issues with my mother. I don't live near her because while at university, living my own independent life, I met my husband who lives in a different country to my parents and I chose to make a life with him, as is the natural order of things.

As for the comment about not wanting me as a mother, words fail me! I love both my children to bits and of course I will be sad when they leave home but I hope I will be able to deal with it in a way that doesn't put this kind of pressure on them. I would want my children to leave home feeling that they have been loved and will be missed and that there will always be a place there for them, but not believing that the family will fall apart without them and that either I or their father will be sobbing hysterically on a daily basis because they are gone. What I meant by not treating your child as a friend was that there are issues which it is not appropriate to share with your children and burdens which should not be placed on their shoulders at such a young age.

You may disagree with me, which is your prerogative, but I stand by the comment that your behaviour is similar to what I experienced from the other side, and I know how that feels. You have had lots of supportive comments from other mums who say they will be crying too, and that is fine (though I wonder whether they mean they will be weeping discreetly into their hankies, which is socially acceptable and acceptable to children, or indulging in great flamboyant sobbing such that they cannot breathe, which will cause your daughter as much distress as it does you). It is entirely up to you whether you choose to take your daughter's feelings into account or not, however, I don't think there is any need to jump down my throat for telling you what it feels like from her perspective

Nicki
My daughter is 18 and a half not 17.
Perhaps in my original post I should have said that "sometimes" when I cry....because I certainly don't cry hysterically in front of her frequently as you have suggested in fact I don't think I cry hysterically at all - I am very quiet about it I don't rant or rave or demand attention - I cry mainly in my own bedroom - I don't call out to her "hey i'm going in my room for a cry now come comfort me" but if she happens to want me for something and comes in at that moment - she sees me. There are no locked doors or no go areas in my home.
I wasn't asking anyone for their comments on who I am for it would be impossible for you to know me through a post on MSE. You have a picture in your mind that bears no relation to what happens and you are wrong. If all you are interested in is making comments on who you think I am and how you think I should behave then please don't bother to post. My question was How, Where and When to say goodbye in other people's experiences of taking their young adults to uni. As you have said your children are too young the only experience you have is of your own family and your own departure, You don't have experience of taking your own children - I am sorry that it was so hard for you. Please don't project your feelings onto me or my daughter.
I wish you well.

Nicki

Cotsvale

I'm sorry if I've upset you. I accept and acknowledge that you are feeling very sad about your daughter going to university. However, the way that you are dealing with your grief is helping neither you nor your daughter. I said in my first post that I was deliberately being tough, and this was to try to shake you into seeing things from your daughter's perspective not just your own. The first few other posts were very sympathetic to you and told you in essence to go ahead and keep crying. Did they help you solve your problem or give you any other perspective on what is going on here, or did they just keep you stuck in the bad place you are now?

I have looked again at my two posts, and i just can't see where I have made any assumptions about who or what you are, except that I have asked you on a few occasions to consider how your behaviour is affecting your child, and not just to consider your own feelings at this time. You say that my life experiences have nothing to do with you. You are right in that the circumstances may not be identical. However, they are relevant in that I am able to tell you from first hand experience how it feels to be a child taking on the burden of an upset parent. In all honesty, do you want your child, whether she is 17 or 18 and a half, to take this on? Do you want to run the risk of your child being sad at the beginning of her new life, or giving up this wonderful opportunity because she feels she has to?

I am really not projecting any of my own feelings onto you. However I do feel that you are perhaps projecting some of your own feelings onto me! You said that you also left home to work abroad at your daughter's age. Can you remember how your mother reacted when you did this? If she reacted in a way which made you feel happy and supported, could you try and copy her behaviour, even if it is not how you are feeling, for your daughter's sake. if you weren't happy with how she dealt with it, could you look at what made it hard for you, and resolve to do things differently yourself?

You may when you posted have only wanted to hear from other parents who feel and behave as you do. However, this very sad situation affects not just you but your daughter too. If you do not care to think about how your actions may affect your daughter, then ignore my posts and the other posts from those who remember their student days and agree with me that you should try to exercise some self control. If you do care about your daughter in the way that you say though, please do try to get some help with how you are feeling. You are wrong when you say that this is a heart felt thing and that there is nothing you can do about it - all emotional reactions are caused by a cognitive process, and can be changed if you are prepared to look at your thoughts about this, though perhaps you may need some professional help with this if you are so distraught. You could consider speaking to your GP for advice.

Motherhood is very very hard, and often involves doing things for the benefit of the child which cause us as mothers hardship - think of the act of giving birth itself! Grieve if you must, but only please if you think it is helping you to come to terms with this part of your life changing. Don't lose sight however of your love for your daughter and your desire to protect her and make her happy, and ensure in whatever way you are able, that you make this new part of her life special and happy. You do otherwise I am afraid run the real risk of damaging the relationship that you hold so dear.

I too wish you well, and hope that you will accept that I am not posting to rub salt in your wounds or to gratuitously cause you upset, but only to offer the advice which you asked for, and which you are free to accept or ignore.

kr15snw

When we dropped my brother off at uni we got him settled in his room, then took him shopping so my mum could stock him up with proper food (not all the ready meal junk, lol). Then took him for a huge meal so he could eat properly one last time (mums words, not mine!).

We said goodbye at his front door after the meal. He cried, mum cried, dad had a tear in his eye and I cried (my other brother was just happy to be getting his own room eventually, typical boy! hehe). Dont worry about crying, but obviously try to hold it in until you get in the car. One of my friends went off to uni and her parents showed no emotion, she was heartbroken! She thought they didnt miss her, when we all knew they did. Unfortunately her parents always kept a brave face on, so she never saw their true feelings (and wouldnt take our word for it).

Well done to your daughter for going into medicine, must be a clever girl! I wimped out and decided to stay at uni in Plymouth because I didnt want to leave my family (and boyfriend). Plus worked out how much cheaper it would be

Just think about the happy things, like graduations and when she comes home and you get to spoil her rotten Best of luck

Oldernotwiser

When I went to university some 30 odd years ago my parents waved me off at the station and told me to behave myself! I know some people had parents with cars who dropped them off but I don't remember all of this wailing going on! (Although no doubt there were some damp eyes later on when things sunk in.)

What on earth has this society become that this positive and joyous rite of passage has become such an overly emotional event? Anybody would think that they were going off to war, for goodness sake! Honestly, sometimes I despair of people nowadays!

hilstep2000

My daughter moved out in March. I miss her, but she's only 5 minutes away. My 16 year old son is going to college 500 miles away. He will be living with his Dad, but I'm already dreading it. I'll be worried that he's homesick, that he's not being looked after properly (although rationally I know he will be) that he won't like the course....but really, I'm not looking forward to being on my own. Still, I've got to try and look at it in another light. I'll be able to watch what I want on TV, what I want to eat (like granary bread!) and spend more time with my partner (who I don't live with).

Your daughter will always love you, but there are times when we've got to let go.

(((((HUGS))))) to you.

Clive_Woody

My mum sobbed her heart out as she drove off after dropping me off at Uni, you can't imagine how sad this made me feel at first, but once you realise it's only because she loves me so much it does make you feel special. Do go and drop her off if you can otherwise you will worry endlessly about where she is, what her room is like etc etc.....

The meal idea is a good one, take her out and spoil her, and take her to explore her local supermarket and stock up on stuff she will need (including a bottle or two of wine or cider - a great ice-breaker to share with her new flat mates).

Get her a rail card so she can come home and let her know she is always welcome to come home whenever she wants.

melancholly

just one thing to be careful of - when i was dropped off, the year above all turned up to take us to the pub to get us to meet eachother and so all the new students headed off together leaving our parents to go home!!

this was good for me as no doubt there would have been blubbing from both me and my mum, so avoiding a 'final' goodbye can be helpful.

there will be plenty of people who get upset - obviously going too is a bad idea (no-one wants to be known as the girl/boy whose mum cried and wailed as she left!), but you are in no way going to be the only person who finds it tough!

i'd get her a headset so that she can call you for free using the computer - that way you can speak to her lots and she won't worry about spending money.

i would also think about all the things you need to plan rather than spending all summer worrying about her leaving - the more you dwell on it the more likely it is that you will get really upset when it happens! but don't be embarrassed - it's just being a mum who cares and there is no shame in that!