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Help - How where and when to say goodbye.

My daughter is off to uni and it hurts so much that when I cry I can hardly draw breath, at the moment I am crying a lot (sometime she sees and gives me a big hug and a huge smile.. She understands that I truly want her to go. I want her to have a fantastic fullfilling time at Uni I really really do. We are so close and have always spent a lot of time at least an hour a day after school just chilling and talking together about life the universe and everything.

She is going a long way from home 5 1/2 hours by train.

When we take her there I do not want to make a fool of myself in front of her new flat mates but I do want to take her there. So if you've been through this how where and when should I say goodbye to her.

She is my eldest I have a son 16 (and have started thinking about him leaving too) I also have a lovely understanding and loving husband.
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Comments

  • MortgageMamma
    MortgageMamma Posts: 6,686 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    I really feel for you and don't know what to suggest

    I would say the best thing to do is spend as much quality time with her as you can before she goes and have a sending off party the day before

    On the day she goes spend a nice morning alone, perhaps a light breakfast and a nice walk in the park and say your goodbyes then.

    I know you feel bad but you will get used to her being away eventually and you will see her in the holidays etc

    Best of luck to you both, what will she be studying?
    I am a Mortgage Adviser

    You should note that this site doesn't check my status as a mortgage adviser, so you need to take my word for it. This signature is here as I follow MSE's Mortgage Adviser Code of Conduct. Any posts on here are for information and discussion purposes only and shouldn't be seen as financial advice.
  • Errata
    Errata Posts: 38,230 Forumite
    10,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    If you cry, you won't be the only mum that does, and she won't feel let out of the conversation in the union bar along the lines of 'Oh god, you should have heard my mum blubbing, soooooooo embarrassing'.
    Time flies, talk to her regularly on the phone so you can both swop news, and I promise you'll want to cry again when she brings a whole term's washing home. Congrats on having such a clever daughter, and well done you for wearing your heart on your sleeve.
    .................:)....I'm smiling because I have no idea what's going on ...:)
  • Nicki
    Nicki Posts: 8,166 Forumite
    My children are too young to be thinking about this from a parents perspective but having had problems with my parents when I went off to uni, and also having seen others drop out of uni early on because they feel guilty about the pain they are causing their parents by leaving, I think you need to look hard at your behaviour now.

    I appreciate that you are sad about your daughter leaving home, but that is all she is doing. She is not dying, nor is she cutting you off forever, she is simply going to another part of the country for a relatively short period university terms are short so she will be back with you within 10 weeks of leaving for a protracted period) If you really can't get a perspective on this, then you at least need to keep your crying for a time when your daughter is not around (off load on your husband or a therapist NOT your son who will also be doing this soon) and to your daughter you need to be telling her how glad you are that she is having this wonderful opportunity.

    As to when and how to say goodbye, if you can't trust yourself not to blub, then you should not go with her to university. I'm sorry but its all me, me, me with you, and this isn't a question of you making a fool of yourself in front of her mates, its you giving her flat mates the first impression of her as a weak childish person still tied to mummy's apron strings. Anyway, why should she be responsible for looking after you on the first day of her new and exciting life.

    This sounds tough, and it is meant to be. When I left home to go to university 20 years ago, my mum did the whole thing about needing me around to keep her sane in an unhappy marital relationship. I was constantly being told that she could not cope without me and couldn't wait for me to come home again. She even at one point left my father on the basis I hadn't been home often enough to keep them together, though funnily enough 20 years on they are back together again and I live nowhere near them.

    Your daughter is your daughter, and you are her mother. This is a special relationship and it brings roles and responsibilities, which you are abrogating at the moment. You may love her to bits, but you aren't friends, nor should you be. Get your own friends your own age to talk about life and let your daughter do the same.

    To quote the really cheesy line from the movie "If you love her, set her free. If she loves you, she'll come back to you. If she doesn't she never truly loved you in the first place.
  • cotsvale
    cotsvale Posts: 397 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 100 Posts Combo Breaker
    I really feel for you and don't know what to suggest

    I would say the best thing to do is spend as much quality time with her as you can before she goes and have a sending off party the day before

    On the day she goes spend a nice morning alone, perhaps a light breakfast and a nice walk in the park and say your goodbyes then.

    I know you feel bad but you will get used to her being away eventually and you will see her in the holidays etc

    Best of luck to you both, what will she be studying?

    Thank you for your reply.
    She has chosen Medicine. I am very proud of her but wish she hadn't chosen such a hard path but perhaps it has chosen her...for her there is nothing else that she would consider.
  • Savvy_Sue
    Savvy_Sue Posts: 47,477 Forumite
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    You could ask her where she'd rather say goodbye. Presumably you want to take her, give her room the once over, and reassure yourself that those around her look quite normal. Once you've got the car unloaded, maybe the three of you can go for a coffee or a meal and say goodbye there, a bit more anonymous than the kitchen of her residence ...

    Held onto it (just) when dropping DS1 off a year and a half ago... But I still miss him, and we didn't really spend any quality time together! :rotfl:
    Signature removed for peace of mind
  • skint_spice
    skint_spice Posts: 13,547 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    Congrats - you sound like you have a great relationship with your daughter and she'll miss you too. I'm glad I've another ten years or so before I reach this moment.
    My son sees his dad a lot but we split up about 3 years ago, he loves him to bits but doesn't like doing the big hug goodbye if he's being dropped off at footie or a club so they say goodbye in the car and do the soppy stuff then and just say a quick bye later in front of folks.
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  • wokkies
    wokkies Posts: 8,468 Forumite
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    well done op to your daughter and to you for bringing her up, you obviously are proud of her and of course will be upset to see her go away, but remember she will be back:A and yes you can cry when you say goodbye on the first day at uni:A
    to be updated:;)
  • Errata
    Errata Posts: 38,230 Forumite
    10,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    OP - it's a natural reaction to feel sad when a chick flies the nest. Just remember you gave her the strength to use her wings. And what a high flyer you've got!
    .................:)....I'm smiling because I have no idea what's going on ...:)
  • vaio
    vaio Posts: 12,287 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    take her, say goodbye when you leave her, if you cry so be it.

    I'd be very surprise if you weren’t in the majority, we’ve had three kids leave home and my OH still produced tears when we dropped the youngest off at university (and he’d been away at boarding school since age 11)
  • Lillibet_2
    Lillibet_2 Posts: 3,364 Forumite
    1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    Nicki wrote: »
    Your daughter is your daughter, and you are her mother. This is a special relationship and it brings roles and responsibilities, which you are abrogating at the moment. You may love her to bits, but you aren't friends, nor should you be. Get your own friends your own age to talk about life and let your daughter do the same.

    I am so glad you aren't my mother, who with the exception of my husband, is my best friend in the world despite our 32 year age gap, and has been since my teenage years. Stop off loading your own insecurities onto us normal people please!
    Post Natal Depression is the worst part of giving birth:p

    In England we have Mothering Sunday & Father Christmas, Mothers day & Santa Clause are American merchandising tricks:mad: Demonstrate pride in your heirtage by getting it right please people!
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