Help - How where and when to say goodbye.

wageslave

I faced exactly the same thing last year. Like you I very much wanted my daughter to go to uni but I am not ashamed to admit I cried for weeks.
I felt a very really grief and I think a great many mothers experience the same feelings.
I got her father to take her there because I knew I'd make an absolute fool of myself. She was coming home a few weeks later for a weekend, I went up the day before and she came home with me. That made it much easier.
I know exactly what your going through.

cotsvale

Nicki wrote: »

My children are too young to be thinking about this from a parents perspective but having had problems with my parents when I went off to uni, and also having seen others drop out of uni early on because they feel guilty about the pain they are causing their parents by leaving, I think you need to look hard at your behaviour now.

Yes I am looking at my behaviour now hence the post. I think that you are identifying me with your parents and truthfully I am nothing like your description of your mother. My daughter does not feel guilty she knows I want her to go and that I am happy for her to go..very happy and very proud of her. Incidently I left home at 18 and went to live in Thailand for 4 years - I did feel guilty about that but I was working with refugees.

I appreciate that you are sad about your daughter leaving home, but that is all she is doing. She is not dying, nor is she cutting you off forever, she is simply going to another part of the country for a relatively short period university terms are short so she will be back with you within 10 weeks of leaving for a protracted period)

I agree, I know that. I have no logical explanation for my tears.

If you really can't get a perspective on this, then you at least need to keep your crying for a time when your daughter is not around (off load on your husband or a therapist NOT your son who will also be doing this soon) and to your daughter you need to be telling her how glad you are that she is having this wonderful opportunity.

Being rational and having a perspective really has nothing to do with it , they are the mind my feelings are from the heart emotional part. I cry in private but sometimes when we are making plans as much as I fight it I can't help the tears falling a little sometimes more. I really hate to cry in front of her. I would NEVER off load on my son. When I am crying if they see me I tell them to take no notice - that I'm just being silly - they know that I even cry at the TV story lines!!

As to when and how to say goodbye, if you can't trust yourself not to blub, then you should not go with her to university. I'm sorry but its all me, me, me with you, and this isn't a question of you making a fool of yourself in front of her mates, its you giving her flat mates the first impression of her as a weak childish person still tied to mummy's apron strings. Anyway, why should she be responsible for looking after you on the first day of her new and exciting life.

Ohhh so harsh...actually it wasn't my feelings I was thinking about it was her embarressment in front of her new friends. I think I would have to be some sort of emotionally impaired person not to feel sad that my daughter is leaving home. She can't get to the Uni without me to transport her so I have to go anyway not that she would have it any other way. This is why I was asking for helpful suggestions as to where and when from those who have been through it as parents -which you have not.

This sounds tough, and it is meant to be. When I left home to go to university 20 years ago, my mum did the whole thing about needing me around to keep her sane in an unhappy marital relationship. I was constantly being told that she could not cope without me and couldn't wait for me to come home again. She even at one point left my father on the basis I hadn't been home often enough to keep them together, though funnily enough 20 years on they are back together again and I live nowhere near them.

As I said nothing like me - I am in a loving and stable relationship which is 22 years old this year.

Your daughter is your daughter, and you are her mother. This is a special relationship and it brings roles and responsibilities, which you are abrogating at the moment. You may love her to bits, but you aren't friends, nor should you be. Get your own friends your own age to talk about life and let your daughter do the same.

I have a great bunch of friends and am proud to say that my adult daughter counts me as one of hers, not a buddy or a confidant but a friend, I agree that you should not be "friends" with your children but my daughter is crossing the line into adulthood and the relationship changes.

To quote the really cheesy line from the movie "If you love her, set her free. If she loves you, she'll come back to you. If she doesn't she never truly loved you in the first place.

I know that quote ..it's total rubbish. Thank you for your reply but it was not helpful. You say you live nowhere near your parents now, do you think you reacted to my post because of unresolved issues that you have with your parents? Rather than responding to and answering the actual question that I asked. I (yes I'm using the I word) feel that you were happily rubbing salt into a wound and enjoying it.

LilMissEmmylou

ive not read all the posts because they are long. I moved from Ireland to England for uni. I was there for 3 yrs and going back next yr for another 2. Anyways, we invested in webcams to chat online and phone calls and texts. Remember you will also have her home for easter, christmas, halloween and uni yrs end in may and restart in october so also a very long summer dont worry too much, all uni kids love to come home if for nothing else they get their washing done for them, their food cooked for them and zero money worries Wish her luck on her course and relax! She wont stop being your baby because she has left home x

Gingham_Ribbon

Nicki wrote: »

...having had problems with my parents when I went off to uni...As to when and how to say goodbye, if you can't trust yourself not to blub, then you should not go with her to university. I'm sorry but its all me, me, me with you... its you giving her flat mates the first impression of her as a weak childish person still tied to mummy's apron strings.

When I left home to go to university 20 years ago, my mum did the whole thing about needing me around to keep her sane in an unhappy marital relationship. I was constantly being told that she could not cope without me and couldn't wait for me to come home again. She even at one point left my father on the basis I hadn't been home often enough to keep them together, though funnily enough 20 years on they are back together again and I live nowhere near them...Get your own friends your own age to talk about life and let your daughter do the same.

I'm sorry, Nicki, but this is SO not about the OP. If you have issues with your own mum it's really unfair to take them out on someone else's mum who's just going to miss her daughter.

Cotsvale, you love your girl and she knows you're proud of her and happy for her. Cry if you have to and hug her and wish her luck. I know when the day comes for my lads to leave home I'll be a total blubbering wreck - and I'll be so happy for them too.

littlemissmoney

I second the webcam idea. Buy her one as a pressie if she doesn't have one already It's really nice to actually *see* your family, rather than just talk on the phone.

Your daughter is probably also worried she will cry and that it might upset you

belfastgirl23

Cotsvale just a word to say that although your daughter is happy and confident about going to uni it can all be a bit overwhelming when you get there. I know others are saying if you cry so be it but she might be feeling a bit vulnerable too (suddenly it's all very real when you get there!) and seeing you upset might be much more difficult for her than you'd imagine. I do think you should pull on every last shred of courage and do your crying on the way home if you can manage it at all. I know that's what my mum did and I'm very grateful to her for making it all a part of normal life - it set a tone for how it should be for me too. I'd say get there, get her stuff in and leave as soon as possible to let her get settled in.

Just a daughter's perspective on it no doubt you will both find your way through it. Good luck with it all!

belfastgal

she will be fine. my daughter went to uni 2 years ago just finishing 2nd year now.and I broke my heart but it was a "i'll miss you " not a "i dont want you to go.we are really close and i count her as my best friend. we both have loads of mates but are really close.
we both are very affectionate and dont care who see's or hears.You sound as if you are close to your daughter and have a good relationship.As you say you do become friends when they get older, asopposed to being the "parent"
I wouldnt take any notice of any previous posts on this thread.It would be worse if you didnt miss each other and didnt cry.
just wanted to post as i ahvebeen there. but you can text, email and ring every other night.
she will have a Ball , my daughter loves it despite not knowing a single soul when she went.
Good luck

Angel777

Its not Goodbye though. Its just another phase of her life. You sound lucky to have a lovely husband and another child still at home. You must feel very proud that she is doing medicine and going to uni.

I left uni 5 years ago and i live away from home but i am lucky enough to see my mum, dad most weekends and although they are only an hours drive away, every time and this really is every single time i come back to my house after the weekend i feel sad and a bit low to leave them!

So i guess what i am trying to say is that it shows you have a great relationship with your daughter hence why you are so upset at her going ut as others have said there are all the holidays in which you can spend quality time, the phone, email, web cams, text messaging and you could visit her too.

I hope you will be ok when leaving her for the 1st time. I am sure you will be.

I had a great time at uni and i appreciate my parents so much more now. You sound a great mum!

looby-loo_2

Now my daughter has gone to uni I realise how difficult it was for my mum when I was 18. No mobile phone, just a payphone which we had to wait in line to use. No MSN, email or skype.

My DD and I keep in contact most days by one method or another and it's suprising how quickly the weeks go by. I thought she might come home mid term but she didn't. I was disappointed but I was pleased at the same time that she had settled in.

Please don't worry about her not coping with the course - she was bright enough to get a place so she will be OK. From what they tell me my DS has to work harder than my DD doing who is doing medicine.

Nicki

Hang on a minute here. Have people actually read the OP? This isn't a question of someone feeling sad about a child leaving but behaving appropriately and fairly to the child. The OP is becoming frequently hysterical in the presence of a 17 year old child to the extent she says where she is crying so hard she is unable to breathe, and where the child is having to comfort the mother. If she really gets into such a state why is she not doing so in the privacy of her own room well out of sight of the child?

This isn't about a death or a major illness. Its about a young adult being allowed to live her own life away from home for, as I say about 10 weeks, before returning to the home if she wants to do so and the relationship is as strong as OP thinks, to spend about 5-6 weeks at home.

Does everyone except me genuinely feel that this is fair to the 17 year old girl? How do people who think I have been harsh to OP think the 17 year old is feeling when she sees her mother regularly in this state because she is going away. For heavens sake she is only a child! How do you all feel when your mothers even now phone you and put pressure on you to spend every Christmas with them, have children to make them grandparents, visit every weekend, etc, etc, and sob as though their hearts are breaking if you don't. If your parents don't do that to you, then I hazard to guess you don't have any idea how it feels to be in that situation, and so you shouldn't all be so quick to jump down my throat for saying what it can be like to be on the receiving end. I know that I felt terribly guilty about causing my mother such pain, and under pressure to abandon my studies to prop her up. I also know others in my year who gave up their courses for this very reason. If you are correct in saying that your daughter is very close to you, how can she not be distressed by your very obvious distress about this?

This isn't about me having unresolved issues with my mother. I don't live near her because while at university, living my own independent life, I met my husband who lives in a different country to my parents and I chose to make a life with him, as is the natural order of things.

As for the comment about not wanting me as a mother, words fail me! I love both my children to bits and of course I will be sad when they leave home but I hope I will be able to deal with it in a way that doesn't put this kind of pressure on them. I would want my children to leave home feeling that they have been loved and will be missed and that there will always be a place there for them, but not believing that the family will fall apart without them and that either I or their father will be sobbing hysterically on a daily basis because they are gone. What I meant by not treating your child as a friend was that there are issues which it is not appropriate to share with your children and burdens which should not be placed on their shoulders at such a young age.

You may disagree with me, which is your prerogative, but I stand by the comment that your behaviour is similar to what I experienced from the other side, and I know how that feels. You have had lots of supportive comments from other mums who say they will be crying too, and that is fine (though I wonder whether they mean they will be weeping discreetly into their hankies, which is socially acceptable and acceptable to children, or indulging in great flamboyant sobbing such that they cannot breathe, which will cause your daughter as much distress as it does you). It is entirely up to you whether you choose to take your daughter's feelings into account or not, however, I don't think there is any need to jump down my throat for telling you what it feels like from her perspective