My so called best friend

rachnbri

Firstly apologies for what is bound to be a long and rambling post. I'm not so much asking for advice as getting this off my chest.

Basically I have a friend who I met when my eldest child (now 10) and her middle child (now 9) were babies. We met through an old school friend of mine whose eldest is the same age as mine. They were neighbours and she and I developed a close friendship over time. We went through marriages and divorces and were single mums together for a time. I always accepted that our "single mum status" was a bit different in that her ex had her kids every other weekend and my kids were with me 100% of the time, so although we saw a lot of each other and spoke on the phone a lot, her weekends without children would be times when I didn't really hear from her. That was fine - I kind of envied her time to herself but never had doubts about the strength of our friendship.

Then she started dating and being the person she is would throw herself into it wholeheartedly. Within days of meeting someone the kids would meet him and he'd be sleeping over and her friends would fall by the wayside a bit then it would all go wrong until the next man came along. I always disapproved of this a bit as I believe children need stability and although I didn't live as a nun my children didn't meet anyone I was seeing as I didn't see them as a serious prospect and didn't want my boys having a new "uncle" every few months! However I accepted her behaviour as part of her low self esteem etc.

The first time I had a major hissy fit was new years eve four years ago when we were both single and had the kids and had arranged to get together, have a few drinks and a laugh and see the new year in together. Then shortly before Christmas she met a new man. I didn't think too much of it as I didn't imagine for a second that I (as her best friend of several years) would be dumped for a man she'd known for 5 minutes. Then the day before New Years Eve I was chatting to our other friend who mentioned that my friend had managed to persuade her ex to have the kids so she could go out with new man. Well to say I was gob smacked is understating it. It was the day before NYE I had made no other plans and thanks to my "best friend" I was now looking at spending the evening alone. I was very much not happy!! So I phoned her and left a message on her answer phone asking her when she was planning on telling me that she'd had a better offer. Long story short she apologised profusely but still went out with her fella (it's OK I wasn't alone I had a last minute party invite - but not the point)

Anyway since then she's flitted from man to man and made new friends through her new job which is fine - that's the way life goes.I've also made new friends through work, but still considered her a friend even though we weren't as reliant on each other as we had been in the past. We have met up for lunch every so often and had the occasional night out etc.

Love life wise, she is now back with an old boyfriend and I have met a wonderful man who I decided to introduce to the boys and we have moved in together etc. Then last year my man proposed to me. I accepted but we agreed to keep it quiet initially as he wanted to do it properly and ask my dad etc (bless him!). However I was so excited I had to tell someone and the obvious choice was my best friend so I sent her a text message saying that Brian had proposed and I had accepted and how excited I was. It was quite late at night so I wasn't surprised at not getting an immediate response but after three days I was a bit upset that I'd still heard nothing from her so I sent her an e-mail telling her how upset I was that she hadn't contacted me and that I was really excited about getting married and even if she thought I was making a mistake could she not call me and tell me!

Imagine my shock when I got an e-mail back 2 days later saying how !!!!ed off she was that I only ever contact her to gloat about how great my life is compared to hers and how self centred I am. (to put this into context a bit she referred to:

1: When I called her to tell her that I'd managed to buy my first house (but made no mention of the 3 times I'd been evicted from rented houses because the landlord wanted to sell) because she lives in a two bed council house with three kids and my life was great because I had my own house with a bedroom each for the boys.

2: When I called her to tell her that I'd been promoted into my dream job (again made no mention of the fact that previously I'd been in a job which made me so unhappy I seriously contemplated walking in front of a car so that I could have some time off). But she was so unhappy at work she'd had to go part time.

She had also managed to forget about the times when she was the first person I called when both my grandparents died and the times I was having a multitude of problems with my ex over access to my son and the numerous times we'd talked about both of our problems and the things that we were stressed about.

Anyway I accepted that she likes to think that everybody is much better off than she is purely though good luck rather than hard work and got on with it. I haven't had a great deal of contact with her since but we have had the odd chat and met for a drink every now and again.

What's got my goat now is that last week I sent out my wedding invites. Because we're having a medieval themed wedding and the invites are scrolls rather than flat envelopes I decided to hand deliver the local ones to save on postage. When I went to her house no-one was in so I threw it through her cat flap and sent her a text to tell her that as I couldn't see any sign of the dog I though it would be OK and I'd look forward to speaking to her soon. I had no response to that text. I phoned her and left a message and have had no response to that either.

I think now I'm just clinging onto the remnants of a friendship, but as she made such a big deal of asking whether she'd be invited to my wedding after we fell out over the snotty e-mail she sent me when I got engaged I made the mistake of thinking it was important to her.

I know she has issues with depression etc and that's really hard for her but I know that she's sustaining a friendship with other people who were less important to her than me and I don't really know what to do now. I feel really hurt by her total indifference to a really important time in my life. My OH says that she's not behaving like a friend and I should just forget about her but we have such a close history I think I should hang in a bit more. The problem now is that whenever I think about her I feel torn between feeling really angry and almost betrayed and feeling that she's not important to my new life and the world wouldn't stop turning if I never saw her again.

I would love us to still be friends but can't help but feel that she can only be friends with me if I'm unhappy and my life is not going as well as hers. I can't help being happy at the moment but I also can't help but feel that I deserve to be happy after all the crap I've dealt with in the last few years. I think my friend should be happy for me but it seems that she's not able to be so.

Dee123_2

Can I just say you sound totally sane and justified in being annoyed?

Your OH is right, she isnt behaving like a friend but I'd hazard a guess that she has some really bad stuff going on behind the scenes to react to your news like that. She sounds incredibly insecure and cant deal with you giving her positive updates on your life when she doesnt have any.

She may be maintaining other less important relationships because they give her something you cant - by that I mean they allow her to behave as she chooses/feel better about herself/feel sorry for herself (delete as applicable).

Before you ditch her, I'd point out that someone on MSE has a signature saying something like "Love me more when I am bad because that is when I need it the most". However, have a think how much the friendship is affecting you negatively, and if you really cant take it, it may be time to call it a day.

nickij_2

Firstly - congratulations!

Secondly, you sound just like me in the way you are with your friends, and unfortunately not everyone is as capable of being a good friend as you are.

I was in a very similar situation with someone who was my best friend for 15 years. She was also not reliable -always letting me down at last minute for a better offer, and when she found a new friend or boyfriend I would not see/hear from her until she needed something.

I eventually realised that it was a very one sided friendship and that I was a good friend and deserved better. The way she treated me made me feel like I wasn't good enough, and as I have several VERY good friendships, I knew the problem wasn't with me. The last time she let me down badly I wrote her a letter (as I was very emotional) and said that I didn't want to carry on like this and we'd now just be 'passing' friends. I did grieve for this friendship but have moved on and realise it is definately her loss, not mine whatsoever.

Sometimes you just have to give up on people who have had lot's of chances. If all your 'friendship' is doing is making you feel bad, why put yourself through it? I doubt she will change, and if she does, she knows where you are and she should make the effort, not you.

Best wishes with whatever you decide to do.

Errata

Sounds like she was hitting out. She goes through men like a sliced loaf but they never stick around, you've got yourself engaged and now you're going to get married. She's still stuck playing musical men. You've bought your own house, she's still stuck in a council rent. You've got your dream job, she hasn't. Could be it's the end of your friendship as you no longer have anything in common with each other.

poe.tuesday

sometimes you just drift apart from friends, I have with my best mate of 25 years, it's just at the end and being annoyed at her isn't going to change what has happened, just move on with your life and look back at your friendship with fond memories but it's just one of those things, you have grown apart

Bambywamby

She is filled with resentment because your life is successful ands he feels her isn't.

If she can't be pleased for you, then she isn't that much of a friend. IMHO.

libbydoll

draw a line and move on.

DKLS

Friends come and ago, Some I have replaced, others I am glad to see the back of

victory

Sometimes you have to let someone go however upsetting it is because your paths are not coming together, they are veering off severely, maybe it is depression, jealousy, resentment, anger, childishness, maybe it is a thousand and one things, only a sit down with a few drinks will sort that one out if she wants to, if not, let her go, you have a fantastic future ahead of you, do not let anyone spoil it for you and drag you down with them....

Rikki

Sometimes people can't see their own failings. Just save a place for her in your heart and move forward with your own bright future.

ailuro2

With friends like that who needs relatives? :rotfl:

She really is more like family to you...draining you,expecting to be able to treat you badly and always be forgiven, go in the huff and expect you to coax her round...:rolleyes:

well, she isn't fmaily, you had a good friendship,but you moved on and she didn't.You reap what you sow,and if she won't put the work in, then she doesn't deserve your friendship.