Bettering myself is better for my ex!

shoe*diva79

Mojisola wrote: »

It must come as big financial shock to people like this when the CM and any children-related benefits stop.

You know, as someone who does receive a large sum each month, it wont come as a shock when it ceases. The reasons:

1. I can downsize my home, or my children will start paying board/lodging because they will be working

2. Ill no longer be paying some of the many associated costs for my children - school trips, clothing, days out etc, because my children will be earning their own money.

3. If i am not still working full time (when that time comes), I will be able to 'guilt free' increase my working hours and earn more money.

Infact, taking childcare into consideration, ill be a hell of a lot better off when CM for my kids ceases!

Mojisola

shoe*diva79 wrote: »

You know, as someone who does receive a large sum each month, it wont come as a shock when it ceases. The reasons:

1. I can downsize my home, or my children will start paying board/lodging because they will be working

2. Ill no longer be paying some of the many associated costs for my children - school trips, clothing, days out etc, because my children will be earning their own money.

3. If i am not still working full time (when that time comes), I will be able to 'guilt free' increase my working hours and earn more money.

Infact, taking childcare into consideration, ill be a hell of a lot better off when CM for my kids ceases!

That sounds as if you are spending the CM on the children and their lives. I was wondering about the people who are using the extra money for luxuries. In krashovrload's example - the ex has remarried and there is at least one income coming into the house plus 3 x 10% of the children's fathers' incomes plus child benefit, etc.

shoe*diva79

FBaby wrote: »

What was your career then that you forfeited because your ex husband insisted you become a stay at home mum? Were you out for so long whilst together than your chance to build on your career was gone for good? How can you be certain that you would have been earning well even if you had continued to work? And why aren't you taking any responsibility for the choice you made to stay at home? Surely your hubby didn't force you? You must have considered at some point the impact of your choice if you were to become single on day (surely you never thought this could never happen?)



Oh please! Many single parents work full-time with little support. I work with quite a number of them. It is tough, but far from impossible. Sick days, you manage, just take time off, parents evening, you go in the evenings, or again, you take the time off, or if god forbid, you really can’t go to a parent evening, you tell the teacher and make some time when you are able to. It’s amazing how resourceful you become when you have to.

I didn't say my career was gone for good. In the time I was out of my career there have been some major legislation changes meaning that I have had to do a lot of retraining and I am a lot further down the ladder then I would have been if I hadn't had children.

If i wasnt taking the responsibility for staying at home with my children (I did not have them to shove in childcare 50 hours a week and watch someone else bring them up) then they wouldn't live with me and I would do what I wanted. Much like the NRP in my case. And no, I didnt think 'what if' I was single.

Luckily in my case, if I need to take time off unpaid to see to various things the children need, then I do, because the CM I receive for them covers my loss of salary. But I can totally see why a PWC receiving a very minimal amount of CM would struggle.

Not sure how to multi quote, but for the poster who listed all those luxury items, you dont know how your ex got them, unless she told you.

My kids have a Wii (christmas present from grandparents), a laptop (eldest saved pocket money and bought), a ipad (bought by grandfather), a kindle (christmas present from grandparents).... Dont assume the PWC is living some kind of material lifestyle on what you consider your money. My folks are fairly well off and treat all their grandchildren to the point it annoys me! My 14 yr old recently came home to tell me that her Grandfather had bought her a iphone to replace the BB she had.

If the NRP in my case thinks I am spending the money he gives me on gadgets and is moaning about it then he can think again because he dosent know what comes in or goes out of my household pot, or who buys what!

shoe*diva79

Mojisola wrote: »

That sounds as if you are spending the CM on the children and their lives. I was wondering about the people who are using the extra money for luxuries. In krashovrload's example - the ex has remarried and there is at least one income coming into the house plus 3 x 10% of the children's fathers' incomes plus child benefit, etc.

But how does Krashovrload know what comes into his ex pot?! So what there are 3 NRP? How does he know that 2 of them (assuming he is the 3rd) do not pay a bean?

If his ex isnt the one working then it must the new husband working, sonhow does Krash know its a modest salary? seen the payslip? maybe the husband bout all these luxuries.

My point is, what NRP think they know, and what they do know are on separtate ends of the scales!

FBaby

If i wasnt taking the responsibility for staying at home with my children (I did not have them to shove in childcare 50 hours a week and watch someone else bring them up) then they wouldn't live with me and I would do what I wanted. Much like the NRP in my case. And no, I didnt think 'what if' I was single.

Then that is the choice you've made and you can't blame your ex for it. I decided to 'shove' -as you nicely put it- my children into childcare, and it is thanks to this decision that I have been able to go up the ladder and earn a decent salary. Of course, balancing my career and bringing the children up on my own was tough, I could have cried when after managing to arrange my hours with my boss so I could drop the kids and pick them up at the school walking bus, I was told we were relocating ½ hour away.

Have my children been traumatised going to childcare? Certainly not, they loved it, and I actually feel they have gained greatly from going because it provided with a structure and the intellectual challenges they needed that I wouldn’t have been able to replicate at home but that is my personal view.

You chose to put your career on hold and to look after your children rather than sending them to childcare. I have no issue with mothers who make that choice, but to then make it that they were prevented from going up the ladder because of their ex’s just sit right with me.

Alpine

shoe*diva79 wrote: »

Cant see where I said my children hold me back?

shoe*diva79 wrote: »

I'm to [sic] busy looking after JOINT children

My bold, your spelling mistake.

FBaby

If the NRP in my case thinks I am spending the money he gives me on gadgets and is moaning about it then he can think again because he dosent know what comes in or goes out of my household pot, ornwho buys what! If the NRP in my case thinks I am spending the money he gives me on gadgets and is moaning about it then he can think again because he dosent know what comes in or goes out of my household pot, ornwho buys what!

I think going back to the OP, it is not so much having control over how the maintenance is spent on his kid that is the issue, but how the money is spent on the mother and/or her other children that is bothering OP.

LannieDuck

It may be easier to swallow if you think of it as "bettering myself is better for my son".

If your son was still living with you, perhaps your increase in income would have allowed you to send him to private school, or have some expensive hobbies, or the latest tech gadgets. It should be a joy to you that you can afford these things for him whether he's living with you or living with his Mum.

Have you tried discussing the idea of private education with his mother? She may not have considered that the maintenance you pay would cover the entire cost, and I don't know any parents who don't want the best education for their child. It may also be easier for you to know that the maintenance is being spent on something that benefits your son so directly.

Alternatively, would she consider paying part of the maintenance into an account for his university fees / for him in trust when he reaches 21. I guess it depends how cooperative she is.