*Sneaky child* How to cope?

CharleneUK

This isn't money saving technically speaking, but it kinda is as well, so please read if you think you can help

My dd1 (10 years old, 11 in June) Is incredibly sneaky and it's getting on my last nerve to be frank.

My dd1 has done numerous things over a period of time, the condensed list are as follows:

*Stole slimfast from the cupboard and snuck them in her room (hubby found 4 cans hidden under her bed)

* Hubby also found 9 empty ice pole packs (so what I hear you say)

*A few weeks ago, her dinner money account was in debit, I queried this, as she'd had packed lunch for the last few weeks, it turns out after investigation she had school dinners behind my back for two days, which is why the account went into debit.

*I told her she cannot use the house phone, but if desperate, she can call landlines but MUST get permission first. Just came home, checked redial (as I know lots of her friends were calling her this evening) 6 mobile numbers on the redial, hubby and I use our contract phones for mobiles

Now, the icing on the cake, I gave her and other dd's a biscuit each, she asked if she could have another, I said no. Well, the last two custard creams are missing! I know you'll all :rotfl: at that, but it's the principle. I'm just sick of it all, I can't stand sneaky stuff it really irritates me.

Has anyone had any BTDT experience? And to simply say "That's what kids do" isn't cool, because I didn't do anything like this as a child. Any ideas on how to cope with this?

Garnet_Gem

Does everything sneaky revolve around food and calling friends? It sounds as though she has low self esteem which makes it difficult for you to deal with her without stressing her further. I would be angry too but would try and give her one -to- one attention for a little while and se if that helps. Not easy being a mother is it?

Js_Other_Half

Could she be comfort eating? If she feels her food intake is being monitored then she may be likely to try and sneak some more?
As for being sneaky, some kids are, some kids aren't. Has anything else changed recently in her life - or are hormones rearing their ugly heads?

Mrs_B_12

to be honest it all sounds like the normal behavior of a pre teen, I know it's not easy to deal with but for a girl that age it can be hard. Is she starting to have a growth spurt? Could she be genuinely hungry because of that?

She's probably been given more responsibility by you and school at that age too and maybe she's just adjusting to making more decisions herself and struggling a bit.

Nenen

You sound at the end of your tether... and understandably angry. However,
I would agree with PPs and probably go even further... what you call 'sneaky behaviour' around food sounds worryingly like early signs of an eating disorder to me... could develop into bulimia, anorexia or compulsive binging. Certainly stealing cans of slimfast is not typical behaviour. It more like a cry for help... she's old enough to know you will notice missing biscuits, ice pops etc and particularly must realise you'd notice 4 cans of slimfast suddenly diappearing. It sounds like she's either comfort eating and then getting extremely anxious about her weight or it is a cry for your help and attention. The fact that these cans and wrappers were fairly easy to find under her bed is even more of an indication of a problem for her.

Has she always done things like this or is it fairly recent? I don't want to worry you, as it may just be the start of teenage hormonal roller coaster, but an eating compulsion can often be linked to being abused or bullied. It definitely sounds like she needs some really good TLC, time and attention to get her to be able to tell you why she is doing this. How has she been in school? Have her teachers noticed any changes or difficulties? Is she putting on or losing weight? Instead of getting cross (easier said than done I know but it won't help either of you) try to find out what she is worrying about. In your shoes, if I couldn't get her to talk to me, I'd get advice from the Eating Disorders Association and/or GP as soon as possible.

I do hope you and she can sort this out... I know first hand the misery of coping with an eating disorder and the compulsve behaviour that inevitably accompanies it. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy!

tanith

This sounds like my grandaughters twin sister she drives her mother insane with her sneaky behaviour , we have tried everything under the sun to figure out why she does it and how to stop it but nothing has worked...

Sorry I really don't have any suggestions as I say we have tried everything and its made not a jot of difference, its so bad that her cousins hide anything the don't want to 'lose' if they know she is coming for a visit which is so sad.. Its very hard when she absolutely refuses to own up to things that you can prove she did.... she doesn't seem to have a guilty conscience either... I don't know what the answer is really I don't I just hope she will grow out of it....

MortgageMamma

I would be a little bit worried as I have a daughter of the same age who is very conscious about her weight - but shes not done anything similar to sneaking stuff

Putting the food issues aside the mobile phone thing is well out of order and i think you should put a coded lock on your phone. I *think* you can do this to include certain numbers being able to be dialed such as your own. or you could just bar calls to mobiles on your phone and then move onto a free local calls tariff.

Does your daughter have a mobile phone of her own yet? I don't particularly agree with it but they all have them at that age. I got my DD one for £15 a month it has 1200 mins and 1200 texts a month as I was an existing 3 customer. She never uses it all up and it keeps her happy.

Keep an eye on the food situation but dont broach it with her yet, just monitor until you can draw a definite conclusion. If it does seem she has an eating disorder go and discuss it with her GP, initially without her present so you can find out what will happen before you take her to GP

I often worry about my childrens attitude to food as me and DH as now considerably overweight, and whilst they are all tiny skinny little things I worry that they will think me and DH are normal

ailuro2

I know how you feel - our DD has taken to being 'sneaky' too- whether it's the new book she took to school to show off after being told she couldn't take it (they are not allowed toys/books of their own in class) or the fizzy sweets she sneaked without our permission, none of it seems major, but it is hugely disappointing to find she has a sneaky side when she was always such an honest and open child. She seems a changed girl, but is only 8 years old. I do feel the other kids at school set an awful example, and no matter how hard we try she will copy their behaviour.:mad:

fwiw she does gets treats, but not for her school playpiece, fruit mon to thurs and crisps on a Friday- her friends get crisps every day and she agrees this isn't good for them.

divadee

little miss divadee i sneakly as well!!! I dont think it can be food issues, as she is always eating, she just sneaks ice lollies and chocolate etc... especially first thing in the morning when we are not awake yet!!

we do give her treats but she still sneaks loads of them.

i wouldnt worry to much charlene i think in a way it is normal behaviour


EDITED to say that i have just remembered that a couple of years ago when she got new furniture we moved her wardrobe out and she had half a sweet shop in wrappers hidden behind it!!! boy did i go mad. i sort of chuckle abot it now, but i was not happy at the time.

absolutebounder

Shes probably feeling lonely and as another poster says has a low self esteem. does she have other problems say at school. She is obviously intelligent but I feel you should try to really get to know her feelings. She could be jealous of other siblings in that she is not getting all your love and attention.
If she is sneaky you will also have to fish for answers in a roundabout way as direct questioning she will see a mile off and clam up or give false answers. Spend some time with her and show her some love (a bit more than usual). That way you may find she is a young adult and will talk to you honestly and on your level.

CharleneUK

Thanks all!! I've skimmed the posts but promise to read in depth in a minute!

Firstly, I'm quite on the ball with signs of eating disorders etc, and I do not think this is it at all. The slimfast thing was over a period of time, and to be honest, I didn't notice till hubby found them, she likes them as I let her taste one once, she said they tasted like nurishment. I think it's down to always wanting more than what I allow. Her friends are allowed to have loads of rubbish all day long and I suppose she may feel like she comes short.

Also, she is very popular at school, and always has been, her friends call her every single day after school and they are on the phone for quite some time. My sister suggested barring the phone, so I will do that. She does have her own mobile, so I will top up £5 per month, PROVIDED THAT she does chores in return, say hoover and wash dishes twice a week or something like that.

The list is endless those, I find my shoes hidden in her bedroom, my bags which I tell her not to touch. Maybe I am being too harsh, which results in her behaving this way? Like I said, I will promise to read each reply properly in a minute, but thought I'd get that out first!