Separated, how much should I provide?

edited 31 August 2016 at 12:26PM in Marriage, Relationships & Families
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  • sharp910shsharp910sh Forumite
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    JackRS wrote: »
    Yeah I was joking, she won't need a gardener I have to do that when she's away on holiday...

    Yes I was and I still am unhappy it's long road. Still just put my Jacket potatoe in the oven so living the dream...

    Well, I guess there is nothing you can do. Marriage has done you over. But for now don't give in. What she going to do? Nothing! You need to sort yourself out first before you give her all your monies!
  • daman2kdaman2k Forumite
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    JackRS wrote: »
    ?

    Yeah I know but I was trying to respect their wishes not to see me but they went away for the weekend to see family so if I'd known I could have gone back for the weekend and got some stuff done.

    Yeah she's probably been coached on how to play a blinder, taken advantage of my kind nature and guilt. As I'm living out of a suitcase in a room for last 4 months I can't bring much of my stuff so if I annoy her I fear she'll have a bonfire on the front lawn of my possessions, or does that only happen in films?

    I can tell from your posts that you are a good guy. However this woman is taking advantage. You are working every hour under the sun but can hardly afford to live, while she is working zero hours and has all your money! How is that fair.?
    While you are providing her with this level of income she will never try to get an income of her own.
  • prowlaprowla Forumite
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    I'm in a not dissimilar position to the OP except it was she who moved out.

    At the moment I'm paying her monthly £1100, plus £350 for the new car she had last year (I drive a 10 year old one), plus I cover the kids upkeep; it probably adds up to about 50% of my income.

    The three kids are 19, 16, 13 and stay here mostly.

    The expectation is that the amount will reduce once she's properly on her feet and has her income sorted out.

    Right now she has free access to "our" house too, and shares in running the kids about, doing laundry, etc.

    Of course she owns half of the house that she moved out of and I am still paying its mortgage. We've also got a couple of endowments due to mature ("mature" my a***! - lying incompetent thieves) in the next few years which will pay off a chunk of it, which is also 50/50. My one niggle is that if I make an effort to paying off the mortgage then she would get half of that extra too.
  • alecsalecs Forumite
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    JackRS wrote: »
    You are right she is and I'm too soft as feeling guilty especially as the kids don't want to know me as they think I've abandon them and she'll take great delight in telling them that I'm not continuing to support them in the luxury they've been used to. I've been trying to be reasonable for this transitional period and basically provide a reasonable amount 40% of income until she's other income in place but it's back firing as I've not enough left to get somewhere to live myself (currently renting room in a house). So that's why I need to use the tougher approach that a solicitor will give me as I'm too soft. The thing is they hate me my names mud in the family, they're all saying that I've abandoned them and don't care etc leaving them with less money and now he wants to just give them a small portion etc So I'm being hung I may as well do the crime...

    You haven't abandoned them and I believe you also have to do something about making sure they understand that. And if I were you, I would do it now as things are happening.

    It is understandable they are upset and possibly feel like they hate you (at that age we tend to hate our parents for less). Again, if I were you, I would write them emails to explain things to them - explain that you were in an unhappy relationship with their mum but you love them and you will always be there for them. That they could come and live with you if they wanted. And that your door is wide open to them.

    If they don't respond, continue to write. You are their dad, they will eventually respond. Call them, ask them to come round to yours, invite them out to do things together. Don't let them grow apart especially given that your wife is fueling their negativity towards you (she is incredibly selfish by the way, she should know better than trying to ruin the relationship of her children with their dad who appears to be a responsible and loving one). The transition period is not only about money and preserving a lifestyle, it's about trying to help them cope emotionally with this -- and regardless what your wife tells them about you or does, you have to help them too, and it's up to you to maintain a good relationship with them.

    Perhaps it's a good idea to seek counseling - for yourself and even for children? To me, this seems even more important than the financial issues, which will resolve eventually.


    Good luck!
  • JackRSJackRS Forumite
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    alecs wrote: »

    You haven't abandoned them and I believe you also have to do something about making sure they understand that. And if I were you, I would do it now as things are happening.

    It is understandable they are upset and possibly feel like they hate you (at that age we tend to hate our parents for less). Again, if I were you, I would write them emails to explain things to them - explain that you were in an unhappy relationship with their mum but you love them and you will always be there for them. That they could come and live with you if they wanted. And that your door is wide open to them.

    If they don't respond, continue to write. You are their dad, they will eventually respond. Call them, ask them to come round to yours, invite them out to do things together. Don't let them grow apart especially given that your wife is fueling their negativity towards you (she is incredibly selfish by the way, she should know better than trying to ruin the relationship of her children with their dad who appears to be a responsible and loving one). The transition period is not only about money and preserving a lifestyle, it's about trying to help them cope emotionally with this -- and regardless what your wife tells them about you or does, you have to help them too, and it's up to you to maintain a good relationship with them.

    Perhaps it's a good idea to seek counseling - for yourself and even for children? To me, this seems even more important than the financial issues, which will resolve eventually.


    Good luck!

    Thanks yeah this is my worry and kind of expected outcome. The children don't want to hear from me now. I know I need to give them time, I've not contacted them for a week but tried again Sunday with a simple message but no reply so I know it'll take many months probably years. It'll get worse once I'm percieved to be even worse with the financial stuff after seeing the solictor Friday. The problem is they'll be getting their mum's take on it and how it's affecting them.
    Regards

    JackRS
  • charlearosecharlearose Forumite
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    No matter what you do you will always be wrong even if you were giving your wife all of your salary and living in a tent in a field You would still be in the wrong because ( example ) you have no where for your kids to stay etc etc. So in her and your kids eyes your always going to be the bad guy no matter what you do.

    You can't please everybody so you might as well so some extent please yourself and do what you think is right for you
  • JackRSJackRS Forumite
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    No matter what you do you will always be wrong even if you were giving your wife all of your salary and living in a tent in a field You would still be in the wrong because ( example ) you have no where for your kids to stay etc etc. So in her and your kids eyes your always going to be the bad guy no matter what you do.

    You can't please everybody so you might as well so some extent please yourself and do what you think is right for you

    Yeah you are right thanks.

    The house has gone on the market but she doesn't want me coming to the house to work on the garden to get things looking as nice as possible. I know she can't stop me but was trying to respect her request not to see me. This weekend she's away so I suggested going to work on garden but she says she doesn't want me to. Could this be a tactic to suggest I haven't contributed to the upkeep and therefore reduce my share in the property value?
    Regards

    JackRS
  • MojisolaMojisola Forumite
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    JackRS wrote: »
    The house has gone on the market but she doesn't want me coming to the house to work on the garden to get things looking as nice as possible. I know she can't stop me but was trying to respect her request not to see me.

    This weekend she's away so I suggested going to work on garden but she says she doesn't want me to. Could this be a tactic to suggest I haven't contributed to the upkeep and therefore reduce my share in the property value?

    Whatever her reason, it's not rational. If she had said, don't come because I'm going to do the garden, okay, you wouldn't need to bother.

    As it is, you need to be able to present the house well, she won't be there and the work can be done without any conflict.

    The house still belongs to both of you.
  • summerof0763summerof0763 Forumite
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    if I was you because its still your house she cannot stop you going and doing the garden especially if she is away, at end of the day, you want best price for the house as well, so i would go and do it.
    what can she do once its done :) x.
    i came into the world with nothing,and guess what? i still have it!!!:p
  • JackRSJackRS Forumite
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    if I was you because its still your house she cannot stop you going and doing the garden especially if she is away, at end of the day, you want best price for the house as well, so i would go and do it.
    what can she do once its done :) x.

    Probably change the locks?
    Regards

    JackRS
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