Just dont know what to do

bigbumsmallhips

My 11 and 12 year old step children lost their mum to cancer a few months ago and have now come to live with us.

Things are going ok (I think) but this week my step daughter has been really down and we have found out that she has been texting her mums phone and getting angry that the texts are not going through (her contract has been closed down) and then we have found notes asking her mum to write to her to let her know that she is watching her.

I just dont know what to do - I dont know anyone in this situation so have no one I can ask.

We have tried talking to her but she just gets upset and denys doing it and we dont want to come accross as confrontational we just want to try and get her to talk about it to see what we can do.

She has had grief councelling and I am wondering maybe its worth setting this up again as clearly this is another stage of the grief process.

We just dont know which way is the best way without upsetting her, her brother or our other children.

Witch_Hazel

Clearly she needs more bereavement counselling. It's a long journey something that isn't going to be fixed in a matter of months.

conradmum

It's going to take a long time for the children to get over their mother's death, and they'll react and deal with it in their own ways. If your step-daughter denies writing these notes to her mum it might be that she knows it doesn't make sense but she wants to do it anyway, and not be asked to explain herself.

I think you should offer her the option to talk to someone again, but if she doesn't want to do that, you can't really force her. Of course you feel sorry for her and want to help, but it's normal to get angry and act irrationally when someone you're close to has died. I knew an old lady once who used to speak about her daughter as though she were still alive even though she knew she had died, and so did whoever she was speaking to.

I'm not sure what else you can do except offer her counselling, be loving and supportive, and allow her to go through her grieving without stressing her with questions that may be difficult for her to answer. It'll be a long time before she comes to terms with losing her mother.

bigbumsmallhips

I agree, but we also want to be able to help her/them as well, we know its going to be a long haul and counselling is going to help but how do we help her/them?

peachyprice

Can you take her, or can she get to the cemetery so that she can talk to her mum? There are always people in the cemetery having a good old chat, she might find that very therapeutic?

Obvioulsy the texts are not a good idea as she's getting frustrated, but I can't see the notes as a problem, perhaps you could get a pretty box for her to keep them in, you need to let her know that it's quite normal to want to talk to her mum and she's doing nothing wrong or nothing to be embarassed about.

bigbumsmallhips

Thanks Conradmum and Peachyprice - yeh think I will take her the cemetery this weekend and leave her to have a chat for a bit.

They do have a memories box but she is reluctant to put anything in it and wont put up any photos.

Will ring Macmillans this afternoon and see what they say.

pigpen

Well that made me blubber in my breakfast. The poor little thing.

I'd get her back in the counselling, she is obviously struggling and lots of hugs and reassurance and reinforce that she can talk about her mum and that it is ok.

Stupid question maybe.. would it be possible to get a PAYG with her mums mobile number so she can text her to alleviate that frustration? If the message goes somewhere she may feel better about it. Or an email address she can email her mum. It can be one you set up and monitor if you wish. Does she have photos etc available? She could build a memory book with you or her dad or her brother?

But above all she needs to know you and her dad want her and love her and aren't going anywhere, she must be very confused and frightened.

[Deleted User]

Try Cruse as well. I had a then 5 year old who found it very difficult to cope when our baby (his brother) died just after being born. It was a difficult time for years. But Cruse did help. They also had days out with other families who'd suffered losses and I think my son was helped knowing he wasn't the only one who'd suffered a loss like this.

peachyprice

Perhaps buy her a separate box for her notes and some pretty paper, let her know that it will be private and no-one will ever look at the notes she writes, she can hide it if she wants. That would also mean that she can look through the memory box without having to see the notes that she has written, so that that part of her grief is compartmentalised totally.

It's a difficult age isn't it, she has the maturity to know what death means but not the maturity to deal with her feelings. Poor baby.

msb5262

Very sorry to hear of the sadness in your family. Don't know if either of these links might be helpful...

http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/Children.html

http://www.winstonswish.org.uk/

beckysbobbles1

Everyone deals with grief differently. And a few months really isn't a long time.

I would encourage her to speak with you and her Dad. Maybe also suggest she writes a diary of how she is feeling.

I did this (well as a blog) when my husband died and I found it so helpful to just let it all out.

You should allow her to deal with grief whatever way she feels is healthy. But please just make sure she knows that everyone is there for her.

How is her other sibling and your OH?