Relationship problems - finances and secrets

pledgeX

Hi all. I've never posted a relationship thread before but my head is really spinning at the minute and would welcome any advice.

Bit of background: I’ve been with my fianc!e for 7 years. In January 2012 she admitted to me that she was having financial problems. A few months prior she had a free bet on William Hill, but didn’t read the T+C’s properly and ended up losing £50. Instead of cutting her losses and admitting it, she continued to bet and ended up in a downward spiral in the attempt to win back the money and ended up over £1000 down. At the time I knew nothing about it. She came clean in January when she could no longer afford her half of the mortgage payment. I lent her the money to clear part of the overdraft and get back up to speed with all the bills. Nothing more was said and everything seemed to be good as we were both saving towards our wedding.

Fast-forward to yesterday and she dropped another bombshell. Ever since then, she’s still been struggling with money. She never really cleared her overdraft and has been struggling to pay everything back. She’s racked up a large number of payday loans in the vain attempt to keep things ticking over while trying to recover – again ending up in a negative spiral. She also went back to online gambling in the attempt to win back the money to solve the problem.

She told me this yesterday and the end result is that she owes several thousand to the payday loans, and is heavily overdrawn in both her accounts.

I was really upset as she knew she had a problem AND I had the money to rectify things, but in her words she was too ashamed to admit it. She also borrowed some money from her Dad a while back and was not entirely honest with him for the same reason. We’ve never had any problems before this and our relationship is perfect, so I can’t understand why she hid this from me.

I believe her when she says she doesn’t have a gambling problem (well she does believing she can make money from them, but I don’t believe she is addicted), but I just can’t get my head around her reasoning.

Luckily I’ve got enough money set aside to pay off all the payday loans and some of the overdraft, but while the money is a massive kick in the teeth, it’s not my main worry. She said she’ll change her account at work so her wages goes directly into my account and I can handle the mortgage, bills etc. It’s the trust element I'm worried about. I’ve asked if there are any other accounts/loans that she hasn’t told me about and she said no, but obviously now I’m having a hard time believing her. Even if I control all of her finances, there’s nothing to stop her opening a new account on the sly and running up further bills from that.

Sorry for the long ramble, but as I said and I really don’t know what to do with myself.

Netwizard

Whilst I have no experience of this at all, my over riding first thought was that you bailed her out once, and she went and carried on gambling. Whats to say if you bail her out this time, she wont do the same again.

I would leave her to sort her own financial problems out this time, as while your there to keep bailing her out, she will keep gambling.

Nip this in the bud asap before you get walked over again and your bank account is empty as well as hers. Count yourself lucky you dont have a joint account (at least it doesnt sound like it from your post)

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but she got herself into this mess, deceived you and her father. Shes old enough to gamble so old enough to take responsibility for her mess.

bodmil

I don't think you taking charge of her wages is the answer, it's a good opportunity for her to prove she's capable and show you that she's back in control. If you're saving for a wedding (?!) that says to me that in theory you both should have savings at the end of the month, so I'd give her say 3-4 months to build up a certain (achievable) amount to show you that she's managed it well in that time.

Handing over everything to you is just making it your responsibility and isn't a good start to an equal and trusting marriage.

Heffi1

As hard as this might sound, you will never be able to get her to see sense if you save her each time, she needs to feel the pain of what she has done, with your support, so the first thing I would suggest is to lay it all out on the table and then complete an SOA (statement of affairs) link http://www.stoozing.com/msoc/soacalc.php you do not have to post it here, but you will be able to see just how things stand.

Once this is done, if things are truly as bad as you fear then I suggest she call on of the debt managemetn companies that do not charge a fee.
http://www.stepchange.org/
http://www.payplan.com/

Then they will be able to talk to her about sorting this mess out for herself and she will learn the most valuable lesson of having to live within her budget.

If you pay her debts for her again, then what is to say she won't do it again (and again, and again)

Sorry if that is a bit harsh, but you will be doing her the biggest favour of her life by making her take responsibility for her mistakes.

Look at the DFW board http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/forumdisplay.php?f=76 as well for other people who have found themselves in this situation, you are not alone.

I hope that helps.

pledgeX

Thanks for the replies folks.

I understand entirely what you're saying about bailing her out again. My problem is that although this is her personal account (we do have a joint account, but she doesn't take money from it, only put's into it), she wont be able to get out of debt quickly enough for it not to have a knock effect to me and therefore on the mortgage (I can't cover the mortgage and all the bills by myself). So for my own financial sake I need to do something.

I'll have a look at the debt management companies and see what they offer.

bodmil

All the more reason for her to be the one to take ownership of this and sort it out, for your sake. Sorry to sound trite but I think if she really cared about the relationship she'd be telling YOU how SHE was going to ensure the impact on YOUR financial future was minimal.

scooby088

get her help and then dump her sorry to be so harsh but it's all the advice i can give.

RAS

pledgeX wrote: »

(we do have a joint account, but she doesn't take money from it, only put's into it),

Ouch. You need to close this or take her name off it as her poor credit rating will wreck yours if you have joint bank accounts.

pledgeX wrote: »

I'll have a look at the debt management companies and see what they offer.

Please no. Put her in touch with one of the Debt charities like NDL or Step-change do not let her set up any arrangment with a debt company. Fees are 17% plus.

Errata

our relationship is perfect, so I can’t understand why she hid this from me.

Bluntly - because your relationship isn't perfect. She doesn't trust you.
Things need to be sorted out with both of you agreeing what should be done. If you continue the relationship then you need to check hers and your financial situation every single day. Not let things slide as you did last time when you assumed everything was ok.

ampersand

Start here:
https://capuk.org/

Non-judgmental, non-proselytising, recommended by our St Martin of Lewis.
As you have already been advised by the excellent RAS[others will certainly reiterate, not least Martin:money:]NEVER PAY FOR DEBT HELP OR ADVICE.

It must be a joint discussion and approach first, then your fianc!e's ownership of the pathway out of debt. She will also acquire understanding over, and control of, what triggers her repeat downward spirals.

Whether or not you continue together, both she and you will gain from this.

I wish you both well.

marisco_2

I am not surprised that you are having a hard time believing your fiance or feeling able to trust her. When you make the commitment to marry someone you do so thinking that you have an open, honest relationship and that the person you are planning to spend the rest of your life with has the same values.

To find out that the person you are partnered with is decieving you, in any area of your relationship financial or otherwise, is horrible. For this to have been ongoing for the amount of time you describe makes it worse in my eyes.

I would recommend lots of open communication and some time and thought by yourself as to whether this is a relationship you want to continue with.