Relationship problems - finances and secrets

Mojisola

pledgeX wrote: »

In January 2012 she admitted to me that she was having financial problems. A few months prior she had a free bet on William Hill, but didn’t read the T+C’s properly and ended up losing £50. Instead of cutting her losses and admitting it, she continued to bet and ended up in a downward spiral in the attempt to win back the money and ended up over £1000 down. At the time I knew nothing about it. She came clean in January when she could no longer afford her half of the mortgage payment. I lent her the money to clear part of the overdraft and get back up to speed with all the bills. Nothing more was said and everything seemed to be good as we were both saving towards our wedding.

Fast-forward to yesterday and she dropped another bombshell. Ever since then, she’s still been struggling with money. She never really cleared her overdraft and has been struggling to pay everything back. She’s racked up a large number of payday loans in the vain attempt to keep things ticking over while trying to recover – again ending up in a negative spiral. She also went back to online gambling in the attempt to win back the money to solve the problem.

She told me this yesterday and the end result is that she owes several thousand to the payday loans, and is heavily overdrawn in both her accounts.

I was really upset as she knew she had a problem AND I had the money to rectify things, but in her words she was too ashamed to admit it. She also borrowed some money from her Dad a while back and was not entirely honest with him for the same reason. We’ve never had any problems before this and our relationship is perfect, so I can’t understand why she hid this from me.

I believe her when she says she doesn’t have a gambling problem (well she does believing she can make money from them, but I don’t believe she is addicted), but I just can’t get my head around her reasoning.

Sorry, but your relationship isn't perfect. She has been lying to you for years about her gambling. She has also lied to her father. She wasn't saving towards the wedding - gambling was more important to her.

She's only came clean to you when forced to because she couldn't pay her share of the mortgage.

If you really believe that she isn't addicted, you won't be able to help her. If she doesn't accept that she's an addict, she won't be able to be helped by anyone.

Do you honestly think this all started with a free bet and not reading the T&Cs?

valk_scot

Yes, get her name off the joint account pdq. She can still pay into a household account that you run for both your benefit but in your name only. She's not got a leg to stand on if she starts objecting to this.

Secondly, if you loan her any money to pay off her debts get it in writing, preferably with a witness signature. That way if your relationship does end up on the rocks further down the line you can claim this money during the financial split up. (If she's not paid it back before that, obviously.)

I would personally not be getting married until she can prove her debt problems are fully under control.

She needs to get some professional help on the gambling btw. I'd make that a condition of loaning her the money, if at all possible. And getting some (free) advice on handling her debt problems. It would be nice if you could attend or be included in the latter.

Mojisola

https://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/addiction/Pages/gamblingaddiction.aspx

If you're going to try to work through it with her, you'll need support -
https://www.gamanon.org.uk/about-us.php

bluenoseam

Your relationship is NOT perfect, she has been systematically lying to you for a period of months - that's not perfection, that's deceit plain and simple, nowhere in a perfect relationship is deceit on that level healthy!

pledgeX

To those who mentioning about the 'perfect' relationship. I meant that was the impression I had while I was unaware of what was going on. Of course the situation now is less than perfect and I'd be stupid to believe this wouldn't change our relationship.

kelpie35

pledgeX wrote: »

To those who mentioning about the 'perfect' relationship. I meant that was the impression I had while I was unaware of what was going on. Of course the situation now is less than perfect and I'd be stupid to believe this wouldn't change our relationship.

At least you are aware there are problems within your relationship.

I would recommend you think very carefully about your future as you seem a very decent young man.

You have tried to help her in the past with her debts and she has continued to deceived you.

Only you know if you are prepared to continue in a relationship that does not give you the respect you are due.

Hope you make the right decision for YOURSELF