I told my parents how I feel

Mojisola

alwaystryyourbest wrote: »

She has 4 children so she should be able to take all her children....

In an ideal world, all grandparents would unconditionally love all their grandchildren who would all be polite and well behaved.

Sometimes it isn't like that!

If the grandparents find it's too much when all four children come to visit but would be able to cope with one or two at a time, that seems a reasonable compromise.

I think it also gives a good opportunity for the grandparents and grandchildren to get to know each other better. If a group of children are together, they tend to interact with each other. If the children spend some time individually with the grandparents, they have a chance to really talk and get to know each other.

Mrs_Optimist

Out of two sets of grandparents, only my f-in-l really bothers with my two children - who are the only grandchildren on DH side of the family (his Mum remarried). They are 2 out of 5 grandchildren on my side of the family.

F-in-L is fantastic with both of them and they share a very close bond which we all cherish.

We are used to it. DH Mother has stated that she wasn't ready for grandchildren when ours came along but will be ready to be a grandma when more grandchildren arrive with DH siblings (we aren't having any more). She has missed out. It hurts to see that she will actively treat them differently to my own children but it is her loss. I doubt her conscience will be pricked.

My own parents have low tolerance with all their grandchildren, they love seeing them but for only short sporadic periods. All grandparents remember Christmas/Birthdays/Easter, but to be honest I cannot recall what presents I was given as a child by my grandparents but do remember the time I spent with them, holidays, days out etc. Money is not as important as time.

When we get to the stage of being grandparents (hopefully not for a while yet!) we intend to be as hands-on, emotionally, financially, and physically as our children will allow. It is such a shame, but I suppose it is a blessing that our children don't know any different.

londonsurrey

alwaystryyourbest wrote: »

She has 4 children so she should be able to take all her children....

She should be able to do all kinds of things...

pink_princess

alwaystryyourbest wrote: »

She has 4 children so she should be able to take all her children....

Even if that causes the grandparents to feel uncomfortable in their own home?

lisaann72red

Thanks all. I have had a good think about it all. I think I am just going to accept the situation I am going to try to sort it. If it can change for the better then that would be great but now I have aired it I feel a lot better. They have not said anything other than the comment about my kids kicking off and have left it for me to contact them when I am ready to talk some more. I dont think I want to go around to their house to discuss it I think it would end in a bit of a row.

I do invite them to mine bbqs, birthdays, christmas teas but not loads. I think the thing that really caused me to tell them was when my brother came around to drop my kids easter eggs on the way to spending easter sunday with our mum and dad him and his family had been invited for lunch and tea. It just makes me feel shunned and unwelcome.

My kids have such a fab relationship with my inlaws and I am so grateful for that my kids love them and they are loved and spoilt and all the lovely grandparent things that I hope to share in the future with ALL of my childrens kids. I have let my sister know about my rant to keep her in the loop as my brother knew. She does feel the same and has decided to make a clean break and not contact them 6 months ago. My sister was treated the same way but also they felt the need to put her son down whilst he was in their house repeatedly causing a big rift. They seem very critical of everyone but wont take any responsibility for any wrong doings they have made. My mum comes from a large family and has lost contact with all of them too. Also they have lost a few very close friends over unknown to me spates in recent years. I reminded my dad that when we were children we werent perfect children sitting quietly reading. We had some personality too.
I hope everyone can move forward from this point. The way it has been left feels like its all on my doorstep again and I have to deal with it. I don't think they believe a problem exists or has ever existed although they have already lost one daughter and her family. And now I feel like I am outcast as well.

londonsurrey

I'm really sorry that you're going through all this.

As your sister feels the same way, it seems that it's not just you. Can you spend more time with your sister and her family, and enjoy them, rather than your parents?

Person_one

londonsurrey wrote: »

I'm really sorry that you're going through all this.

As your sister feels the same way, it seems that it's not just you. Can you spend more time with your sister and her family, and enjoy them, rather than your parents?

I think that's a really good idea.

I feel for you about the Easter Sunday snub, that would definitely hurt. I'd focus on the relationships you have with people who seem to genuinely care about you and your children and who you enjoy spending time with, so that'd be your in-laws and your siblings (its not your brother's fault your parents behave like this.)

CH27

londonsurrey wrote: »

I'm really sorry that you're going through all this.

As your sister feels the same way, it seems that it's not just you. Can you spend more time with your sister and her family, and enjoy them, rather than your parents?

Nice idea

Savvy_Sue

alwaystryyourbest wrote: »

She has 4 children so she should be able to take all her children....

But if it makes life easier all round to take two on one occasion and two the next, what's wrong with that?

Mojisola wrote: »

If the grandparents find it's too much when all four children come to visit but would be able to cope with one or two at a time, that seems a reasonable compromise.

I think it also gives a good opportunity for the grandparents and grandchildren to get to know each other better. If a group of children are together, they tend to interact with each other. If the children spend some time individually with the grandparents, they have a chance to really talk and get to know each other.

Very good points.

As for not being invited on Easter Sunday, you can take that as a snub if you choose to do so. But are grandparents expected to host ALL their children and grandchildren every time they invite any part of the family? That's a gathering of 20+ for my mother, more as some of the grandchildren are starting to acquire 'significant others'.

And no, I wouldn't expect her to have each family on successive days either. It's exhausting!

suki1001

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

As for not being invited on Easter Sunday, you can take that as a snub if you choose to do so. But are grandparents expected to host ALL their children and grandchildren every time they invite any part of the family? That's a gathering of 20+ for my mother, more as some of the grandchildren are starting to acquire 'significant others'.

Well, I suppose it depends. If she's only concentrating on the brother's family and inviting them round for meals, then I think it's understandable why the op would feel that way. I know plenty of grandparents who would cater for the whole family, especially at Easter and Christmas - it's not like it's every weekend - it's maybe twice a year - if that and there are ways of making it easier.

When my sil does christmas she does the main and we bring the rest of the courses, cheese/biscuits.