I told my parents how I feel

lisaann72red

I have been holding back on how I feel for about 10 years.

My parents have been making me feel unwelcome at there house and putting me off going round for years. I have just backed of and stayed away other than the expected days mothers day fathers day birthdays. My sister has barely any contact for the same reason. My parents are completely involved with my brother and his family the children his children are all younger than mine. They are always around there and I have said its not jealousy as I am happy that they have a lovely relationship together but I feel sad that it is at the expense of two of their other children.
I had to get it of my chest so I vented it all in a facebook message terrible I know but I wouldnt have said it face to face it wouldnt have come out how I wanted to say it. I was quite clear how I felt and backed it up with examples of how I had been treated to make me feel that way. They were upset and angry and I went round to discuss it.
No sorrys were said and my dad said dont take it the wrong way but when you come round my kids mostly kick off. I said great so I was right and a reason had been given and i said "how in the world would i ever be comfortable to go around theirs again and feel welcome". I thought you were supposed to care about your family and my kids might flare up round there but its only because they are expected to (sit still, don't excite the dog, dont touch that) My kids have noticed the atmosphere and that they make us unwelcome without me saying a word.
They screamed at me including my brother who had popped around to try and help sort it out. They dont understand why I am angry to be told this. How would you feel? Am I overreacting? If my kids have a rant its only a quick paddy dealt with quickly they never throw or break anything they just get annoyed amongst themselves over trivial usual stuff between siblings.

They say the truth hurts I know my parents feel they have done no wrong its not worth me trying to sort it out now is it?

BritAbroad

TBH from what you've said here I have some sympathy with your parents. If your children are not behaving then you need to try and resolve that before taking them round there. If they're playing up every time you visit perhaps your parents are fed up with it. Your parents' expectations don't sound overly high - their house, their rules.

lisaann72red

They dont play up everytime we go round. My parents have an expectation that it will happen causing the atmosphere in the first place. But I take your point they dont have to welcome us into their house. But I would hate to think of being that way with my kids in the future I would like to have a nice relationship with my grandkids and stop the whole vicious circle that is happening with us

Cinders:

Some people can deal with young children, some can't - maybe if your children are boisterous they simply feel they can't cope with them. I have 5 children, absolutely love being around kids, they really make me laugh....but take my in-laws for example, they love love love their grandchildren, but can't cope with their energy levels for very long, so only see them every few weeks. I can only guess at your situation, and imagine that your parents love you and your children as much as they love their other children and grandchildren, but perhaps they can only cope with the ages/stages/activity of the grandchildren for varying periods of time.

I may be completely wrong, but if they say there's no reason you should feel put out, then don't be, they may just have different levels of coping.

Hope this has come across in the nice way I meant it and hasn't offended you.

C :-)

lisaann72red

mine are 13, 11, 10 and 8 they can sit really still and nicely but I think they prefer the younger ones as they are more cheeky and lovable when toddlers. It happened for my sister when her children had gotten past the small cute stage to so perhaps its as simple as that. Its a bit of a shame and I kind of think that I shouldnt have said anything. But it was weighing heavy for me.

Valli

You're probably right - it may well be they find younger children easier to cope with. Although, if they've been making you feel unwelcome for 10 years that doesn't fit...your eldest two would have only been 3 and 1 when this started.

But letting your feelings out on a public forum was a mistake. You could rebuild your relationship with your parents but you'll probably have to work at it. Do you ever have them round to yours? Could you visit them while the kids are at school? Once you get the dialogue going again you can start to probe to find out what their issue actually is.

Hope you can work it out.

lisaann72red

Thanks they wont see it on here. I find that a forum helps to get a sense of perspective as you cant with people close to you. Its helped a lot and put it into place for me. I have a relationship with them its just feels like a weird one not how i would like. Perhaps I am reading to much into certain situations and maybe me and my kids are no fun to be around Its gonna be hard to get past this

pigpen

I go to my mothers and she says what do you want? lol.. She knows where I live she is most welcome to come here I just don't go there.. my children get bored and fidgety and her dogs go wild with excitement..

Younger children are easy enough to entertain whereas older ones grumble about not having TV, consoles, going out with friends etc.

They, as grandparents, will be the ones missing out in the long run.

Valli

lisaann72red wrote: »

Thanks they wont see it on here. I find that a forum helps to get a sense of perspective as you cant with people close to you. Its helped a lot and put it into place for me. I have a relationship with them its just feels like a weird one not how i would like. Perhaps I am reading to much into certain situations and maybe me and my kids are no fun to be around Its gonna be hard to get past this

Sorry I meant Facebook;

If they don't want to rebuild the relationship it will be hard going but it's such a shame when kids don't see much of their grandparents. I know:o;
Pigpen's quite right. Kids don't miss what they've never had.

lisaann72red

It ok it was a PM I didnt plaster it over their home page still terrible should have gone around to speak.

I now feel a lot calmer and if they dont want us to go around then it fine we will just keep up the contact on the odd occasions we have been. I cant force them to want more.

marisco_2

lisaann72red wrote: »

They screamed at me including my brother who had popped around to try and help sort it out. They dont understand why I am angry to be told this. How would you feel? Am I overreacting?

It seems odd to me that your parents treat yourself and your siblings with your respective families differently. That is not how relationships work within my own family. It doesn't set a very good example to the children about family dynamics at all and as you say your children are becoming aware of this.

I think it is unrealistic to expect children to behave as your parents insist on. Of course they should have manners and treat your parents house with respect. Children need space and acceptance though to be able to be themselves and have a bit of fun. Your parents have raised you and your siblings so must surely know this and should be embracing time with all their grandchildren. I bet if your children had some interest taken in them by their grandparents and felt welcomed they would relax more and be very easy going.

I dont approve of your parents and brother screaming at you. Being aggressive and volatile like that resolves nothing. As you seem fully aware releasing all your pent up frustration over the status quo on facebook has only served to inflame the situation. Facebook is notorious for this. Maybe it would have been better to put everything in a private letter to your parents to have expressed all you were feeling. They may have been more open to working things through then. Could this possibly be an option now, to clear the air and try and find a positive way forward?