I told my parents how I feel

londonsurrey

Have you tried visiting them with just one or two children at a time?

ognum

Communication is the problem here.

Why would you choose to have the first communication about this as a Facebook message. Why didn't you go around alone to your parents home and sit down and quietly talk this through.

that way your brother would not have been involved and tempers would not have been lost. People only scream and shout when they feel under attack and clearly your parents were trying to defend their position.

Maybe four children is too much for your parents to handle at one time, a gentle conversation could have established their boundaries and maybe they need to see the children individually or in twos to create a bond.

It seems you are saying its my way or no way and they are incapable of handling things your way.

Try leaving the kids at home and asking if you can just chat, if needs be apologise for the way things went, If sorry works then try it.
talk it through, try to understand their issues and maybe they will listen to yours. hope it works!

andygb

pigpen wrote: »

I go to my mothers and she says what do you want? lol.. She knows where I live she is most welcome to come here I just don't go there.. my children get bored and fidgety and her dogs go wild with excitement..

Younger children are easy enough to entertain whereas older ones grumble about not having TV, consoles, going out with friends etc.

They, as grandparents, will be the ones missing out in the long run.

Great post, if everyone understood children the way you do then there would be no problem.
I have a relation who loves children - as long as they are young and cuddly - then when they get past that stage she simply takes no interest in them, and stops visiting.
Unfortunately, I think that people in general have low tolerance levels. To give you an example, my father left our wedding reception early because he didn't like the music - that was the first dance:eek:

Savvy_Sue

marisco wrote: »

It seems odd to me that your parents treat yourself and your siblings with your respective families differently. That is not how relationships work within my own family. It doesn't set a very good example to the children about family dynamics at all and as you say your children are becoming aware of this.

It may be odd to you, but it's not unusual. I have several siblings, and we go in and out of favour with mum ... her youngest batch of grandchildren seem to get much more interest from her than the earlier batches, and I know she treats each group differently because she sometimes says "don't tell so and so".

pigpen

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

It may be odd to you, but it's not unusual. I have several siblings, and we go in and out of favour with mum ... her youngest batch of grandchildren seem to get much more interest from her than the earlier batches, and I know she treats each group differently because she sometimes says "don't tell so and so".

My mother has 3 of us and she is the same.. I'm not popular at the moment, and have barely been spoken to for the last 4 years because I have a new partner and she can't cope with the change. The middle daughter is favourite at the moment and my youngest sister is just babied into uselessness, she can't even fill out a form or go to a doctors appointment on her own and she is nearly 26.

fluffnutter

Four kids make a lot of noise. Perhaps your parents simply react badly to having their own space invaded. Do you invite your parents to your house? It's important that they are encouraged to have a relationship with your kids but perhaps it's time to conduct that away from your parents' house.

A lot of expectations are put on grandparents to automatically love having a herd of kids around - they're family after all. But it can be very exhausting and four is a lot, particularly from a noise perspective.

suki1001

It's weird, but the situation is the other way round for us. In that both my sister's have small kids while mine are 9 and 12. My mum is always saying she feels bad because she helps them out more. I think it's the fact I know that if I asked - she's be there in a shot to help and we are always welcome at her house.

But it's the fact that she acknowledges this and never makes my children feel unwelcome.

On the other hand, my in-laws are a bit like yours where they've always seemed to give preferential treatment to my oh's sister's children, spend more time with them etc, which has grated with him in the past. However, they have always doted on ours in a way that they do make a fuss of them when they come, so they wouldn't be aware of it - and that's the important thing - there's nothing worse than feeling like you're not wanted somewhere. I think sometimes grandparents do give priority to those who they think need more help and I do also think if you don't live with children anymore, that when the peace is disturbed it can be very unsettling if you like things just so. Perhaps 4 children visiting is exhausting for them and they're just on edge - when you'd like them to be more welcoming towards your children.

My friend has 3 children and her 2 sons are so unruly, their great grandad banned them from visiting him at his nursing home! When they visit ours, I often feel like I have to go and lie down in a darkened room afterwards!

I think sometimes when you have issues, blurting it out to someone who doesn't suspect you feel this way, especially if it's built up, can sometimes make the offending party feel like the wounded party, especially if they don't suspect you feel this way. My mum once did it in a letter to someone and of course because the other person didn't suspect what she felt, she was mortally wounded and felt attacked and perhaps that it was unjustified.

thunderbird

Going round to 'old people's' houses is pretty boring when you are preteen/teen age isn't it? Do your children actually want to go there - even if there wasn't such an atmosphere?
Would it be better if you all just met with your parents elsewhere - either at your house or out and about somewhere/ eg all go out for a walk together, if they have a dog they must go walking? If you want to go to their house then go alone or with just 1 or 2 of the children.

As much as you feel upset at what your parents have said to you, they probably feel the same from your facebook message (if not worse, as you couldn't say it face to face).

You both now know what each other's issues are so you just need to work to find an acceptable solution. See it as a step in the right direction.

alwaystryyourbest

londonsurrey wrote: »

Have you tried visiting them with just one or two children at a time?

She has 4 children so she should be able to take all her children....

marisco_2

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

It may be odd to you, but it's not unusual. I have several siblings, and we go in and out of favour with mum ... her youngest batch of grandchildren seem to get much more interest from her than the earlier batches, and I know she treats each group differently because she sometimes says "don't tell so and so".

Thank you for sharing that. I am genuineley surprised that this occurs in families. You learn something new everyday on here