So overwhelmed, please help.

mboro

My son has come back home after 8 years of living with his Dad and stepmum, at the time it was the only option for me as I was being evicted and was homeless.

Ever since my son went to live with his dad I have regretted it and now my son wants to come back to me. His father has a drink problem as does his wife, my son was the adult looking after his Dad and their relationship has been volitle. His dad has no job, no qualifications and is a dosser. My son on the other hand is very bright, got good grades at school and is doing well at college and had a small part time job.

For the past 8 years I have been a weekend mum, paying CSA weekly and being there for my son when it flared up between him and his dad.

I got a phone call yesterday from my son asking if he could come and live with me, as he can't help/cope with his dad anymore. I have waited for this day since he went to live with his dad, but made sure it was always going to be sons choice to come back and always left that door open should he want to come back.

I live with my dad in a 2 bed council home and on a couple of days I stay with my fiance and his mum and dad. All of us have a great relationship with my son.

I have not been a full time mum for many years, and feel a little overwhelmed but happy that my son wants to live with me. I have registered him with my Dr and Dentist, I have cancelled my weekly CSA DD to his dad.

But now what?? My son will be continuing with his studies, and is looking for a part time job. I have a good job but still live with my Dad in a 2 bedroom property. I have a little money saved up, but I am sure that will go down soon.

Please help point me in the right direction of things I need to be getting in place. Such as a flat?? I am unsure wether to claim for any benefits or even if I want to, as I have been supporting myself on my wages for the past 5/6 years. My head is a mess right now.

RAS

Have you put in a claim for child benefit yet?#

Check how much the Local Housing Allowance is and start looking for properties in that range.

Check whether you will get any benefit support on https://www.turn2us.org.uk.

Talk to your son and dad about short-term and medium term accomodation and household stuff.

WestonDave

For the time being enjoy being together even though 3 of you in a two bed will be a bit cramped etc. Use the initial time to talk through how each of you sees things moving forward - some of those conversations will need to be one on one (i.e. you and son, you and Dad) others all three together. It may be that son has plans for University etc so will be home for a relatively short period, it may be that Dad is happy to move, pooling resources with you to get a 3 bed home where you can all live together so he and his grandson can have more time together whilst you are out at work (he gets company son gets non parental mentoring etc). You all need to be honest with each other - if Dad would prefer his own space and you two to move out he needs to be able to say that without anyone feeling its wrong, similarly if he is afraid that he is about to be left alone then he needs to say that. You also then need to consider where your relationship with your fiance is going - are you two going to move in together at some stage - would it make sense to bring that forward to now even if its sooner than you might otherwise have planned.

Once you have an idea of what people feel about various options you can go about finding a solution which works best.

Obviously sort out any money you can get like Child Benefit, but your current arrangements are likely to be as cheap as it gets so rushing to move out will just make the finances worse.

marisco_2

My advice is take things one step at a time. Get use to having your son living with you and enjoy having him around.

Look into finding suitable accomodation and which benefits you are entitled to and bit by bit put that into place.

This new phase of your life may take some ajusting to from all sides but I wish you all well for the future.

mboro

Thank you all so much for the pointing me in the right direction.

We have been having many sit down conversations last night and this morning, and this looks set to continue......as you have suggested we need to plan what my dad and son want.

But I can't get housing without proof that my son is living with us, his dad is still claiming all the benefits for our son.

I am scared to make any moves incase my son changes his mind and want's to go back to his dad.

podperson

As others have said you need to look at both long and short term plans for it. Can you sort out temporary accomodation for him in your current home, eg curtain off part of the living room or split one of the bedrooms? What are his longer term plans - how long does he have left at college etc? If he finishes this year, for example, and is planning on going to uni and moving into halls then do you want to be moving house and your dad as well, when he'll possibly only be living with you for the next say 4 months.

Errata

Welcome him back with open arms, stick him on a blow up matytress or a sofa bed and then start sorting things out.

mboro

Thanks once more for the advice. So far I have stopped payments of CSA to his Dad, that little bit of extra money will help. I have offered my Dad a monthly amount to help with the bills whilst we are under his roof.
I am a little wary about getting benefits as I have been so self sufficient for a long time now, and coping rather well with just my wage coming in.

As a family we need to have another convo regarding my sons long and short term plans. He is 16, has one more year in college, then wants to go to uni, but all this is subject to change at a moments notice.

It is very difficult to make long term plans when at the back of my mind I am expecting my son to go back to his Dad.
This ofcourse will be his choice, and imo not a smart move but I would never stop him, I would just offer advice and be there once more when it falls apart.

mboro

Can anyone please find a phone number for turn2us, I feel I would rather speak to someone about my issue, I have looked but probably missed it.

Gingernutty

I'm not sure there is a 'phone number for turn2us but here are some of the contact details from the site

http://www.turn2us.org.uk/information__resources/benefits/who_to_contact_to_make_a_claim.aspx

http://turn2us.custhelp.com/app/contact

mboro

Thankyou nutty, my head is so far removed from my body I cant think straight.