Importance of Friends?

nfollows1982

I’ve found that over the last couple of years I’ve gradually lost touch with/interest in my friends; we’ve drifted apart, lives gone in different directions etc etc.

Going back a few years there was a big group of us and we used to see each other nearly every day – several of us trained at the local gym and we used to spend our weekdays planning the upcoming weekend’s frolics.

Some of us were single, some of us were in relationships, but every weekend we used to be together and life was pretty much party central.

Over the years the group has gradually drifted apart and some people stopped being part of the group altogether but there was still a small group of us that got together.

Then the gym closed down, we ended up with different jobs and missed each other at training, contact dwindled during the week and the weekend frolics became less and less of an event.

Fast forward to now and I haven’t actually seen anyone for nearly 6 months. Some of the people in that group I haven’t spoken to for over a year.

It’s not just me that’s lost touch with them, we all seem to have gone our separate ways and nobody really has anything to do with each other anymore.

My best friend from that group hasn’t seen the rest of them since April and it’s now October since me and him last got together.

I find myself texting him or getting a text from him maybe 2 or 3 times a month but that’s it really.

The problem is that I don’t really feel like we have anything in common anymore. He is a big drinker and he still likes going out and getting absolutely hammered every weekend. I haven’t drunk alcohol for over a year and I don’t feel the need to go out and get wasted anymore.

We have met up for coffee but after an hour I can see he’s itching to get away and to be honest I find it difficult to relate to his life anymore.

The others who I haven’t seen for ages are just really facebook acquaintances and they are still living the party lifestyle. I can’t relate to that anymore. They also seem to have little or no interest in my life, my kids and my family so there’s just no friendship to speak of anymore.

Anyway, I was speaking to my wife last night and she thinks that I’m too dependent on our marriage and I need to make the effort to either (a) resurrect my friendships or (b) try and establish some new friends.

But I don’t really feel interested in doing either of those things. I enjoy being at home and spending time with my family. I work full time so I interact with other adults at work. I go to football every other weekend so I have a hobby that I really love.

I just don’t feel like I have a big void in my life that I need to fill. I’m happy. I feel content with my life.

So after that rambling, I just wanted to see if anyone else is the same? Feels the same? Thinks I’m completely weird?!

sassyblue

nfollows1982 wrote: »

Anyway, I was speaking to my wife last night and she thinks that I’m too dependent on our marriage and I need to make the effort to either (a) resurrect my friendships or (b) try and establish some new friends.

But I don’t really feel interested in doing either of those things. I enjoy being at home and spending time with my family. I work full time so I interact with other adults at work. I go to football every other weekend so I have a hobby that I really love.

I just don’t feel like I have a big void in my life that I need to fill. I’m happy. I feel content with my life.

So after that rambling, I just wanted to see if anyone else is the same? Feels the same? Thinks I’m completely weird?!

I don't think you're wierd, you are happy and you have a hobby. Friendships drift apart naturally, sounds like you and this man had the gym in common but not much else?

The strangest bit is that your wife thinks you're 'too dependant' on your marriage but we don't know the context of the discussion as to how serious she means that? (not asking you to explain)

BugglyB

It sounds like you are happy in your life and enjoy things as they are which is great.


Personally yes, I need my friends and feel as though they are an important part of my life, although, the bulk of my friends do tend to change every 3 or 4 years as I move or grow apart from them. My partner is more like you and is happy with our home life. He can go for a week without texting anyone or without anyone texting him, and doesnt use facebook. He is happy.

I would be looking into your wife feeling like that though. Clearly she feels something is wrong – does she feel stifled or like you expect too much from her? Does she find you less interesting than she did before? Or is she projecting her own lack of excitement and dissatisfaction with your (joint) social life or her own personal lack of freedom onto you? Or does she simply want an evening a week where she knows you are not going to be in the house (I love my partner but can really relate to that!) - in which case could you take the kids for evening swimming or cinema or over to grannys for the night or whatever.


All issues worth exploring together in a calm and honest listening session. Simply reassuring her everything is fine and you are happy is sticking your head in the sand in my opinion.

thehappybutterfly

I think everyone over a certain age goes through this. You sound very similar to me and my hubby. There was a group of us, mostly couples, who saw each other all the time but as people have moved away, got married, had babies etc, we don't see nearly as much of each other - mainly birthdays. My hubby and I now have other friends we see and I don't believe for one minute that our 'old' friends are sitting waiting by the phone for us to get in touch!

I totally understand where your wife is coming from. My hubby doesn't do anything other than work and stay in watching TV every night. Usually with me and the kids but I have a girly night out/in every month or so. He doesn't. He doesn't go the gym, the football/rugby, not even the pub to watch the match. And I wish he would as it would do him good, it would give me some much needed time alone and it would stop me feeling so guilty ever time I do something for/by myself. Like you though, he's genuinely happy with his little lot in life. Don't feel pressured to do things on your own but you may need to reassure your wife that you are perfectly happy with things the way they are.

FWIW - I think you sound like a lovely husband and dad! Good men seem to be as rare as hens' teeth on these boards!

julie2710

To be honest I think friendships are a bit like marriage and you do have to put a bit of effort in to make them work.

I've been in the situation where I was married, had my children and sort of gave up on my friends because I felt I had all I needed. Then the one thing a lot of my time was invested in, my marriage, ended. I still had my children but I had no friends. I spent the first eight months post break up with nothing but work, children and lonely nights when my boys were in bed. I've now built new friendships and I would never let those dwindle again.

I've realised the importance of friends. I wonder does your wife have her own friends/social life? If she does maybe she's feeling guilty that you only seem to have her? You don't need to be out partying every weekend but what's wrong with having a good chat about the stuff you like that your wife might not be so keen on?

nfollows1982

My wife has a good social life.

She too doesn't drink and she isn't interested in the party scene but she has some really good girlfriends and they get together once or twice a week for a gossip and a catch up.

I don't stifle her having a social life because I don't have one!!

When she said she thought I was too dependent, she said that looking at it from my POV (i.e. I would get bored with the same routines without the release of seeing friends).

Happybutterfly hit the nail on the head 'she thinks it would do me some good'

She likes having her friends in her life, she likes to have that freedom to go off and see them and I think she finds it a little hard to relate to me being so different sometimes.

gazzak_2

Sounds pretty d*mn normal to me. When I was younger me and my Wife, (then girlfriend), had a great big group and we lived for the weekends. Over time people change, get married, have kids, drift away etc etc. I'm similar to you in that I found I grew out of that lifestyle and preferred different things in life.

However, your Wife has noticed something so I'd look into it a bit more. Does she think you spend too much time at home, does she think you need time apart, or your own space a bit more?
I think she's a clever lady. Men should have "Men time" with other guys doing "men" stuff now and again, (as should the ladies), it really is healthy all round.

Take up golf!

pigpen

Just because someone else thinks you should be doing something doesn't mean you should if you are happy as you are then sod what anyone ele thinks.. i wouldn't have anyone tell me I needed more friends/to get out more etc.. that might be their life.. mine is mine..

I have a couple of friends I see occasionally.. I don't NEED them and they don't NEED me.. they are there if I need them and that is all we need to know of each other.. in times of crisis there is someone there.

Maybe she wants to have the milkman round for a quicky so you need to be out of the way .. So long as you don't ake her feel obligated to stay home with you I really don't see an issue.

BugglyB

Oh yes I think that is a fantastic recipe for a marriage. 'I am happy sod what you think'.

red_devil

i find it an odd comment too. If your happy dont let it get to you.

NAR

OP you are going through a natural cycle. You and your group of friends have grown apart and come to a natural end.
Over the next few years you will develop a new circle of friends, who may well have similar interests to yourself or who move in the same circles.
Don't lose any sleep over it.