My Gran

Blade26

Hi

I apologise in advance as this post could turn into a long one...

My Gran is 88 and still lives independently, my Dad lives nearby (my Mum died 3 years ago) as does one of my sisters; myself and my other two sisters live in the same county though about 20 miles away so don't get over as much as we would like.

My Gran is currently a 'shuttlecock' in a disagreement between my Dad and my sister (the local one); my great Aunt died 2 weeks ago she had advanced dementia; my sister said to my Dad that we needed to get Gran sorted as she had dementia too. This caused a huge argument, which resulted in sister telling Dad he didn't care about Gran (!) that he ought to do more for her etc etc.

So back to my Gran, she has lived on her own for 13 years since my Grandad died and is ultra independant, she still looks after herself fully, shopping, cooking, cleaning etc to the point of where we actually have to tell her not to do things as we are scared that she might hurt herself such as cleaning windows etc. She wont allow Dad to do more for her than what he already does, she is fiercely independant and has alwyays said that she wishes to remain so for as long as possible.

She has shown areas of slight confusion but nothing that would make me think that she needs medical intervention; anyway as a result of said argument and at my Gran's insistence I have been to her GP with her who has run urine and blood analysis, no issues, has done a brief memory test with her, perfect score - due to the circumstances with the stand off between my sister and Dad the GP is still referring her to the Memory Clinic for completeness and has said that if they respond with no issued he will be noting this on her record and will not allow any further referral on a whim (as happened twice last year, once by sister, once by Dad) as he rightly says at her stage in life she should be enjoying her life not worrying about this.

Whilst I await the appointment from the memory clinic, I am having to listen to my sister saying to my gran that if for example she had a chance of having breast cancer (!!!) and could take a tablet to try to prevent it then she would - I knee saying to my sister that only the Drs can make a diagnosis and until such a time can she stop going on about it as its upsetting my Gran. Does anyone know what this miracle dementia holting tablet is??

I don't know why I am posting this really other than to get everything off my chest as it is doing my head in; is there anything I could or should be doing to try and help my Gran?

Currently we have NOMAD from the chemist for her tablets, electric bath seat and a Medicare pendant but that is all, she doesn't feel that she needs much else. My sister keeps going on about Gran's money saying that she has withdrawn large amounts from the bank when she took her to the bank - I took her to the bank on Monday to use the rest of her ISA allowance for this tax year (v MSE) and she asked for a statement which showed no large withdrawals so I am confused!

Sorry for the long post and no real questions, I feel better just for getting it all out

Blade26

margaretclare

Well done to your Gran for living independently. From what you say, been to the GP etc, it doesn't sound as if your Gran has much wrong with her apart from (maybe) the creakiness that might be expected at age 88. Certainly it is not inevitable that anyone gets dementia! We've had friends who died in their 90s and they were pin-sharp. Others, much younger, developed dementia. No telling who will get it and who won't. So, no need to 'get her sorted'! Grrr! I bet your Gran would have a few well-chosen words to say if she knew they were talking about 'getting her sorted'. I know I would.

Cleaning windows etc - yes, I know people like that. A lady at a local church climbed a loft-ladder to get the donkey down (a carved wooden one!) for Palm Sunday. She's just had her 80th birthday. She wouldn't let me even take it off her so she could climb down safely. Some people are ultra-independent. Well, that's the way they live their lives and who are we to say it's wrong.

Her GP sounds to be a man after my own heart, good on him. So she has 'slight confusion' at times. So do we all, at any age, from time to time! Forgetting where you've parked the car, which floor in a multi-storey - haven't most of us done something similar?

Leave her alone. What does 'getting her sorted' really mean, in your sister's terms? Answers on a postcard....

margaretclare

Thinking of this again, your remark about 'Gran withdrawing large amounts of money' and sis's concerns thereon, may provide a clue. We hear it so often on this site - it's the pound signs in younger people's eyes when they think the older generation are spending what they hope to inherit. Sorry to be brutal.

Blade26

Hi

Thanks for the replies much appreciated - if I am half as fit at half her age I will be blessed!! She inspires me so much, and since my Mum died has been amazing, helping me plan my wedding etc - I love her so much.

I am very much of the same mind that who is my sister to tell her how to live her life after she has managed to live it quite successfully for 88 years - the difficulty is because said sister lives the closest along with Dad is that she is the one that pops in the most and therefore in her mind her opinion counts more.

My Gran was fuming when I was at the Doctor's with her as my sister had so kindly given me a list of things that concerned her, the Doctor asked if they concerned me to, to which I had to honestly answer no. If she was eating 10 breakfasts because she had forgotten she had eaten or was going out in the snow in a bikini then yes of course I would be concerned - but she isn't.

Long and short of it is my sister is a bully and always has been, and doesn't like it that my Dad (he's her Step Dad) told her that there was nothing wrong with my Gran (she's my Dad's Mum); she always has to be right and will keep chipping away until she gets her own way, not this time. The GP was lovely and I am certain will not stand for any more of this BS once she has been to the Memory Clinic; clearly if there is a problem after she has had her referral then we will deal with it.

You could be right about the money thing sadly.....

Rachel

Margaret54

Hi Blade26 I have just read your post and would agree with margaretclare's reply. I have seen this lady's posts many times and she always gives such good advice. I do feel for you with this situation regarding your lovely Gran. I would be very angry if it was my sister behaving like this. Thank goodness she has you and her gp sounds a very sensible person too. I agree it sounds like the £ signs in the eyes of the sister, sadly. You just keep on loving your dear Gran, and enjoy her company. I am so glad she has you too. Take good care, Margaret x

Errata

Sounds like it's time for dad to step in and sort the sister out.

NAR

Rachel, I think you have to bide your time for now, until you get memory clinic results. Then it is time to put bully sister in her place. I would get your dad and/or your other sisters to have a family meeting and tell her clearly what the Dr has said and tell sister to stop causing your gran upset and unhappiness by undermining her independance. BIG HUGS.

monkeyspanner

It must be annoying if you are elderly and the assumption from some people is that you have dementia when you have simply forgotten something. If you are 20 these are minor annoyances but if you are 80 it is always assumed to be an indicator of some mental deterioration.

However I would say that it is often the family that notice the beginnings of dementia and then have a problem obtaining a diagnosis. Sometimes the elderly person will be aware that something is going wrong but cannot admit this to their relatives for fear of an over reaction.

There are cognition improving drugs that may be prescribed in the early stages of dementia but they are not like statins which are designed to prevent future heart problems they are drugs designed to slow conditions and improve symptoms. However, as with all drugs they do have side effects and can cause other problems so they are not something to take without thought and regard to the persons general medical condition.

Your Gran has the right to spend her money as she wishes and as long as she is not being conned by some of the scams that are so common now there is no need for any family member to step in. Climbing ladders etc. when you are on your own is not adviseable at any age so she should be encouraged to do that when someone is there to steady the ladder.

Mojisola

Blade26 wrote: »

Long and short of it is my sister is a bully and always has been, and doesn't like it that my Dad (he's her Step Dad) told her that there was nothing wrong with my Gran (she's my Dad's Mum); she always has to be right and will keep chipping away until she gets her own way, not this time.

You could be right about the money thing sadly.....

If money is an issue with her and she is your father's step-daughter, has she got in mind that she will make sure she gets her "inheritance" now. If your Dad doesn't have a will, she won't inherit anything from him as she isn't a blood relation.

It would be worth seeing if your Gran would consider setting up a Power of Attorney in case she ever does need someone to speak for her. Otherwise, this tends to default to the nearest relative and it doesn't sound as if you trust your sister.

Blade26

Errata wrote: »

Sounds like it's time for dad to step in and sort the sister out.

Thanks again.

He has tried but that resulted in a huge fall out, hence my stepping in to try and prove to my sister that there's nothing wrong with my Gran. Gran is piggy in the middle and its not fair, all she wants is to enjoy her life and not feel that she is a burden or that people are talking about her behind her back.

Blade26

NAR wrote: »

Rachel, I think you have to bide your time for now, until you get memory clinic results. Then it is time to put bully sister in her place. I would get your dad and/or your other sisters to have a family meeting and tell her clearly what the Dr has said and tell sister to stop causing your gran upset and unhappiness by undermining her independance. BIG HUGS.

Thanks

It's almost as thought she won't be satisfied unless there is something wrong, which is just terrible, why would you wish ill on someone particularly someone who we all love so much

I am thankful that the GP has been so good as he has said that if once she has been to the memory clinic if my sister does not accept the findings (presuming them to be positive and there is nothing wrong) that she is welcome to go and see him herself - presume to hear it from him rather than him thinking there is something wrong with her (sister)