Opinions & advice greatly appreciated, please!

marisco_2

OP I am going to be completely honest with you. This man is not the best you could wish for by far. A man worth that type of compliment would not have cheated on you or leave you feeling so low by his own actions. Maybe he is ashamed by his behaviour. More likely is that he is annoyed you have an issue with him having his cake and eating it. He wants things his way and gets angry when you approach this subject and shouts you down.

He has showed no willing to help you through the turmoil you feel whilst being home with you. The likelihood of him doing this hundreds of miles away is remote.

Your self-esteem and confidence is at rock bottom isn't it. If it weren't you would be using this time to think 'is this man worthy of me?' 'Am I happy in this relationship, does it give me all I need and want?' Instead your concern is mainly for him and worrying about what people around you both will think of you if you bail out while he is away. Where were any of those people when you were going through hell a while back having discovered he was messing you around? Getting on with their lives apparently totally oblivious to it all not showing any interest or concern in you whatsoever.

Stuff the lot of them. Who cares what such inconsequentials think. What do you really want for you? It is only your needs that you need to be concerned with right now. It is absolutely okay to put yourself first. Something I dont think you have probably done for a good while.

Cherry_Bomb

shell86 wrote: »

2 months until R&R but he didn't take it last time and doubt he will this time which I understand.

I do love him, but I don't think I have forgiven him yet and I am young and honestly I don't know what I am supposed to feel or how long I should give it. I am not one to walk away from things generally.

Those saying that if I end it, it would be a weight off my shoulders I don't mean to be rude and I value your opinion but I don't agree on that. I would be worried sick about him still, he is doing a dangerous job out there and if his mind is elsewhere it would not be a good thing. He was in tears telling me how much he missed me the other week so me ending it would upset him I am sure. If anything were to happen I would never forgive myself.

That's exactly it. You haven't forgiven him. And you're not going to be able to until you get this out in the open. You say he clams up or gets angry when you broach the subject. Write him a letter telling him exactly how it's made you feel. If you have unanswered questions then ask then. Tell him if he values your relationship he will reply telling you everything you need to know.

I think after that you'll know what you need to do.

meritaten

We cross posted shell. obviously you understand what I meant by not ending it by letter.
hun - you are in a difficult situation - but I stand by what I said in my post. keep writing to him but tell him you find it really hard if you hear his voice and that is why you don't always pick up the phone. write newsy letters, send him parcels. but in the meantime put measures in place so that when you see him again if you decide it wont work you can leave straight away.
I really feel for you - I would hate to be in your place.

mountainofdebt

I agree that to end it whilst he's away is not a good idea ....whilst he may take it as an envitable event, he also may not and whilst he's out there, its not only his back he has to watch.

Can I just ask why you've kept the messages & pictures? It sounds a strange thing to do IF you wanted to make a go of things....to keep looking at them sounds as if its like a scab that you keep picking - the wound will obviously never heal.

Infidelity apart, I do have think that if you get together with someone who is in the armed services then being part is, in my mind, part and parcel of who they are - though I agree living with the separation if they go into the armed forces after you get together is a different thing all together

Person_one

Ok, if it would be worse for you to end it while he's away, then wait.

Don't let his job be the reason you stay with a man who doesn't treat you well though!

meritaten

Person_one wrote: »

Ok, if it would be worse for you to end it while he's away, then wait.

Don't let his job be the reason you stay with a man who doesn't treat you well though!

His JOB requires his full attention and focus Person-one. OP understands that if she sends a Dear John which upsets and distracts him then she is not only putting HIS life at risk, but those of the people he works with.
He is in the services and is on deployment! he isn't sitting in an office in the lap of luxury! Don't you get it? he is in a war zone and the OP doesn't want to be the cause of casualties or fatalities cos she sent a Dear John and he was upset and distracted and not doing his job properly!
This why I said she should plan for his return - even if it means her own departure straight away.

I wasn't particularly targeting your post - just using it as an example to explain why a letter ending the relationship while he is on deployment is not a good thing.

Person_one

meritaten wrote: »

His JOB requires his full attention and focus Person-one. OP understands that if she sends a Dear John which upsets and distracts him then she is not only putting HIS life at risk, but those of the people he works with.
He is in the services and is on deployment! he isn't sitting in an office in the lap of luxury! Don't you get it? he is in a war zone and the OP doesn't want to be the cause of casualties or fatalities cos she sent a Dear John and he was upset and distracted and not doing his job properly!
This why I said she should plan for his return - even if it means her own departure straight away.

I wasn't particularly targeting your post - just using it as an example to explain why a letter ending the relationship while he is on deployment is not a good thing.

To be honest, I'm not really concerned about him, I'm thinking of the OP. I'm sure soldiers in war zones have to cope with far more upsetting things than Dear John letters from girlfriends they've happily cheated on in the past.

For whatever reason, if she thinks ending it in a letter will make her feel worse then she doesn't have to do it.

balletshoes

shell86 wrote: »

It is just taking it out of me pretending that I am fine and it has got to the point where I don't answer his calls anymore so he probably already knows something is wrong. You can only say you were driving or busy for so long.

I don't want to hurt him even though this is not my fault, I just can't manage the strain of him being away for so long. I don't trust him enough yet. I have never been a jealous person, last time he was away it was hard but I got on ok and to know whilst I was worried sick and doing the best I could for him he was playing around it just breaks my heart.

you don't have to put your life on hold for someone you don't trust and don't really want to be with. End of. Its hard enough being with someone in the forces on deployment when you do love them and trust them. Do the decent thing - tell him. Write him a letter, and tell him how you are feeling.

bitemebankers

Dump him. If he wanted your support, he should have considered that before screwing someone else. Waiting and not knowing is tearing you apart and for what?

peachyprice

meritaten wrote: »

His JOB requires his full attention and focus Person-one. OP understands that if she sends a Dear John which upsets and distracts him then she is not only putting HIS life at risk, but those of the people he works with.
He is in the services and is on deployment! he isn't sitting in an office in the lap of luxury! Don't you get it? he is in a war zone and the OP doesn't want to be the cause of casualties or fatalities cos she sent a Dear John and he was upset and distracted and not doing his job properly!
This why I said she should plan for his return - even if it means her own departure straight away.

I wasn't particularly targeting your post - just using it as an example to explain why a letter ending the relationship while he is on deployment is not a good thing.

Sorry, he can't have it both ways Meri.

He was in a war zone when he was cheating last time, but that's alright is it? He can be distracted by screwing around with someone he is on tour with and all that that entails, risking being the cause of casualties or fatalities, but poor boy can't be distracted by OP ending the relationship?

Being in the forces doesn't exonerate him from suffering the consequences of being a complete !!!!!!.