Opinions & advice greatly appreciated, please!

shell86_2

Usual story, long time poster but wish to remain anonymous for this post which I will keep short and sweet.

I have been with my partner for just over 2 years now, known him longer and we were 'on & off' for a while before getting together for good. He is in the armed forces and is currently deployed to Afghanistan.

I am really, really struggling this time, this is the second time he has been away whilst we have been an item but the last time he was a naughty boy (this went on for some time after he got back also). Unfortunately this came to light late last year and we have been trying to get back on track and although it has been hard things were getting better.

Now he is gone again and I am a mess. A mixture of emotions and I don't know how to handle them or what to do. I love this man and I want to support him and make this work but I don't know if the trust is there. He will be away for months and I cannot contact him unless I write. I have no idea what he is up to and knowing what he was doing last time, well it is hard and I don't know if I can cope. I still have the messages he was sending this other person, and the pictures and they make me sick. He had physical goings on also before he went for sure and I believe afterwards too be he swears he didn't.

If I come to the conclusion I cannot deal with what he did added to the already huge pressures of being with someone in the military, would I be a horrible person to end it by letter whilst he is there? I want to talk to him about how I feel and I guess get some reassurance that he will be on his behaviour but I don't know how he will take that, he will throw it back in my face and tell me I don't trust him I am sure. We really have not talked about this, we both pretended he wasn't going until it was too late.

My head is a mess

fluffnutter

How long is his deployment?

The problem with reassurance is that it won't really work. It might make you feel a little better as he's saying the words, but afterwards your thoughts will run away with you. You have to believe that he's going to be faithful. Trust is more complex than someone simply saying 'I won't do it again'.

What you've experienced is difficult, but doubly so because you have a boyfriend whose job necessarily takes him away from you for long periods. Having a partner in the armed forces is very difficult, having a partner whom you don't fully trust in the armed forces will be even worse.

Only you know whether you can live with the doubt as to what his behaviour will be like this time and every time in the future. But I will say... what's the rush to end it? I don't think you've reached the end of the road yet, not least because neither of you have really properly talked about what happened. Do you really need to end it whilst he's overseas? If you truly believe there's no future then I guess you want to think about moving on, but why not wait, talk to him when he's home and see where that leads you?

It's understandable that you feel unable to trust him fully. His accusing you of this is not helpful. He needs to appreciate how much he's hurt you and truly feel sorry for this. When you do talk, don't let this be about you having a problem. You're facing what every betrayed person has to face - will this work again? What makes it difficult is your enforced separation. Talk to him.

You could also try googling support groups for partners of people in the armed forces. You're not alone.

shell86_2

It is just taking it out of me pretending that I am fine and it has got to the point where I don't answer his calls anymore so he probably already knows something is wrong. You can only say you were driving or busy for so long.

I don't want to hurt him even though this is not my fault, I just can't manage the strain of him being away for so long. I don't trust him enough yet. I have never been a jealous person, last time he was away it was hard but I got on ok and to know whilst I was worried sick and doing the best I could for him he was playing around it just breaks my heart.

marisco_2

If he loved you as much as you say you love him, then he would not just throw your justified worry and anxiety back in your face. By the sounds of it you have little reason to trust him.

Nothing you have disclosed tells us of anything great about being with this man. He has betrayed you before. He is away on a tour of duty and you are left alone and feeling very worried and vulnerable. You haven't spoken properly with him or addressed the issues in your relationship fully. I would like to say I question why not, however I think maybe you tried to and hit a wall of denial and dismissal. I hope for your sake that I have got that wrong.

Your choice of words calling him a 'naughty boy' surprises me, coming from someone clearly intelligient and articulate. It undermines what he put you through. He wasn't a naughty boy was he. He was a lying, cheating, deceitful man who put his needs and wants before a relationship that you at least wanted and valued.

Life is way too short to be with someone who holds you in such little regard. It is also way too short to spend months on your own, questioning what may be going on and feeling as you do now. I think you deserve better, something I feel you are aware of. However you decide to proceed I hope things work out for you.

bagpussbear

There are more fish in the sea, and nicer ones. I'd bin him - he didn't consider your feelings when he was messing around before when he was away, why should you consider his.

shell86_2

marisco wrote: »

If he loved you as much as you say you love him, then he would not just throw your justified worry and anxiety back in your face. By the sounds of it you have little reason to trust him.

Nothing you have disclosed tells us of anything great about being with this man. He has betrayed you before. He is away on a tour of duty and you are left alone and feeling very worried and vulnerable. You haven't spoken properly with him or addressed the issues in your relationship fully. I would like to say I question why not, however I think maybe you tried to and hit a wall of denial and dismissal. I hope for your sake that I have got that wrong.

Your choice of words calling him a 'naughty boy' surprises me, coming from someone clearly intelligient and articulate. It undermines what he put you through. He wasn't a naughty boy was he. He was a lying, cheating, deceitful man who put his needs and wants before a relationship that you at least wanted and valued.

Life is way too short to be with someone who holds you in such little regard. It is also way too short to spend months on your own, questioning what may be going on and feeling as you do now. I think you deserve better, something I feel you are aware of. However you decide to proceed I hope things work out for you.

Life is way too short, I completely agree. I don't think he does understand what he did and you're right he will not talk about it much because he is too ashamed and that was the past. He got angry the last time I tried.

I just wish I didn't know as much as I do, that I hadn't read what he was saying to this other person.

I know this is the wrong way to think but I would be so ashamed to end it whilst he is on tour as I will look like the bad one who couldn't cope as obviously nobody knows about what happened. That can't stop me but it annoys me that people will think that.

The demands of his job is making this just too hard. I think what I am going to do is ask him to call me somewhere as private as possible and tell him what I am feeling, it will be down to him then and how he reacts. If he can't see my point then I admit defeat and walk away. If he is willing to help me through this and help me out like I am him then I hope we still have a chance.

I know I sound desperate but most of the time when we are together he is the best I could wish for

Cherry_Bomb

Putting his infidelity aside coping with the tours does get a bit easier. It's not easy at all! But you learn to cope. You really haven't got much choice to be honest. You're either with him or you're not. The job comes as a package and that package doesn't always do relationships any favours.

I wouldn't end it by letter. No matter what he's done its just not the right thing to do.

When's his R&R? Could you hold on till then? I really think you need to thrash out these issues before you walk away. It sounds to me like you want to at least give it one last go.

Person_one

I have to say, it sounds like this relationship has pretty much run its course. You don't sound like somebody in love, you sound like somebody who would be mightily relieved if you ended it and were free of all the stress of it.

I think ending it by letter is fine. He hasn't exactly treated you perfectly, and you can't carry on as you are. If other people criticise you for ending things by letter feel free to tell them the truth 'It wasn't how I'd have wanted it to end, but the infidelity was just too much for me in the end.' If they judge you after that then who cares what they think of you?

Best of luck with moving on from all this, I hope putting that letter in the post lifts a weight from your shoulders.

meritaten

Please don't end it by letter - it is the cowards way out and if he is in a danger zone you could put lives at risk.
Keep it for home leave.
Use the time he is away to build your life! build your friend network and if you decide not to carry on the relationship then it gives you the opportunity to change accommodation perhaps or job.
I cant decide for you if this affair would end the relationship - only you know that.

shell86_2

2 months until R&R but he didn't take it last time and doubt he will this time which I understand.

I do love him, but I don't think I have forgiven him yet and I am young and honestly I don't know what I am supposed to feel or how long I should give it. I am not one to walk away from things generally.

Those saying that if I end it, it would be a weight off my shoulders I don't mean to be rude and I value your opinion but I don't agree on that. I would be worried sick about him still, he is doing a dangerous job out there and if his mind is elsewhere it would not be a good thing. He was in tears telling me how much he missed me the other week so me ending it would upset him I am sure. If anything were to happen I would never forgive myself.

**professor~yaffle**

Maybe knowing that he's not in a safe environment and is facing pressures the rest of us can't really understand puts a different perspective on it for the OP. I think referring to him as a bit of a naughty boy might be a nod to the old cliche 'got one in every port', but I think it is him who should be earning your trust, not you having to try and put your feelings aside.