Eating Disorder

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adandem wrote: »

I think your gf's illness needs to be seriously treated before any wedding plans/financial plans are made. I say that as someone who lives with someone with an ED so know the extent of the problem.

In many ways, and I feel bad for saying this, but you are not helping her by providing the means for the illness to thrive, you need to stand up to the illness and in time she will gain the strength to do the same. She is going to need lots of help and it can be a long process which sometimes never ends.

I would encourage you both to put plans on hold for now. Your gf is lucky that you are willing to stand by her and I'm sure you realise that you have a long and difficult time ahead of you.

The triggers for ED's are different for everyone and sometimes very complex which is why you need to get expert help. BEAT is also an excellent source of information/help.
Hope it works out for you.

Great post I think a lot of people who are in close contact with someone who suffers an ED don't realise they're enabling the sufferer.

OP - maybe get some counselling for yourself too. It can help you.

HBS x

adandem

ARM10 wrote: »

I thought about insisting on control of the finances entirely and keeping a close eye on her whereabouts 24/7 so she's no chance of binging / shopping / purging - for say a trial 3 month period to see if it helps.

On the other hand I don't want to become a nightmare of a spouse or cause her distress (as I'm sure it would!)

Sadly, I think the will to get better has to come from her rather than be forced on her?
I can't tell how tiring it become having to watch someone 24/7. ED's are very devious things and will stop at nothing to get their way.
I admire your loyalty, I don't want to be negative but these disorders are very deep seated and very difficult to overcome.

adandem

ARM10 wrote: »

I'm already stressed to the point I sought help for myself, was briefly prescribed antidepressants too.

Oh dear. I personally would urge you to put your plans on hold for now. Marriage is pretty stressful tbh and it doesn't sound like an ideal starting place.:o

ETA - yes, that does make sense;) But that's only something you can support and not do for her. As much as you'd like to, I know.

adandem

Wanted to say, we've had the tears too.
Again, a tactic used by the illness to deflect conflict.
I always have to tell myself I'm talking to illness and not the person as it will easily have you convinced too.

adandem

BEAT is a good starting point.

BTW , I wasn't suggesting it's merely 'up to her', what I meant was that ultimately it is she who has to want to tackle her illness, of course with support but no-one can do it for her.

I would suggest going back to the GP for a referral to the relevant services. We have been used in a study by Kings College on the provision for people with ED's and their families. Sadly, the service is vastly lacking (but that's a whole different matter!)

I admire your loyalty but please also be aware of your limits. After 10 years, the illness has a real hold and it's not one it'll want to let of of without a fight.

adandem

ARM10 wrote: »

Sorry, what is vastly lacking ?

Just had a look at BEAT's website, isn't it similar to CBT ?

Services are lacking and referral is slow.

Not sure what you mean? CBT is a type of therapy?

This is the website:

http://www.b-eat.co.uk/

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I really do thinking taking a sabbatical from work if they offer it would be a good idea, and for her to spend some time in an ED clinic - if nothing else to see for herself that people actually die from bulimia/anorexia.

When I was trying to motivate myself to recover, I never needed a clinic - but I DID research pictures of people in the late stages of the disease so I knew what it would lead to if I didn't stop.

She has the strength to stop.

Does she want marriage above all else? Would it work if you promised a wedding but not till she's in recovery? It might give her something to fight for.

HBS x

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CBT seems to be a Marmite treatment - I know as many people cured by it as I do that said it's rubbish!

HBS x

adandem

It's very hard to get into an in -patient clinic and usually depends your bmi.
In our case, my daughter was low enough to be admitted but because of her age and state of mind there were concerns that she may have developed more tendencies by being in that environment.

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Not sure what else to advise you really do have to stop enabling her though. No more expensive food etc...and be prepared for anger, vitriol and blackmail. EDs rely on enablers.

HBS x